


Love and Wounds

by Coby_Thinks



Series: L.A.W. AU [3]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Eating Disorder, Ethan is Deceit, I do what I want because I'm the author and effectively the GOD of this universe, I should stop writing these tags haha, I'm tired, Multi, Sympathetic Deceit, Unsympathetic Patton, Whump, abusive parenting, basically no one is okay once AGAIN, car crash, injuries, mwahahahahahaha, self-deprecation, they bend to my will, think again, you thought this sequel would be FLUFF???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-13
Updated: 2020-01-10
Packaged: 2021-01-30 04:37:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 17
Words: 49,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21422308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coby_Thinks/pseuds/Coby_Thinks
Summary: - Sequel to Love and War -Ethan always tried to tell himself it didn’t matter if he was the way he was - even though it wasn’t. He lived only to exist, and wait for the day he died. But when he is suddenly pulled into a world full of honesty and love - he starts to wonder if he really was existing at all. And as he starts to learn about the dark past hanging over his new boyfriends' heads, he realizes why it's important to do more than exist. But how can he change after all those years believing that he would never deserve that kind of love? Will he change at all?Set about three years after the events of Love and War.WARNINGS: Depression, eating disorder, self-hatred, rape/non-con, abuse, injuries, car accident, stalking, angst, all the fun stuff, Unsympathetic Patton, Sympathetic Deceit
Relationships: DLAP, Roman/Logan/Virgil/Deceit
Series: L.A.W. AU [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1504187
Comments: 129
Kudos: 219





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> HEY look who's back with a sequel instead of doing homework or some of the one-shot requests I have to complete hahahahaha IT'S ME!!! So this is the sequel to my book Love and War - go ahead and read that first if you want the right context for this. 
> 
> The main character of this is gonna be Deceit (Ethan cuz Human names) so just so y'all know, sympathetic deceit. Warnings for the whole book are summed up in the description, but I'll put warnings on each individual chapter as well! 
> 
> This book is paced a little differently than the last one, just because of the plot and dynamic and shiz. Enjoy!
> 
> Chapter warnings: self-deprecation, thoughts of death, snakes, inadvertent triggering, sickening fluff, food mentions, they're all hopeless gays.

Ethan liked snakes. He adored them, really. Ever since he was young, that’s what he obsessed over. So, here he was at age 27, a Herpetologist working at a museum filled with mostly wax figures, reconstructed artifacts, taxidermied animals and a few live reptiles - which he was the caretaker of. He liked his job, usually. Most people he interacted with were third graders on field trips or tired parents looking for the bathroom. That and his co-workers, and his snakes.

He knew he would probably find more friends if he tried to conform to be more ‘approachable’ but that was stupid. No one would like him no matter what he did, so why do anything but what he felt like doing? 

So, he didn’t have any friends. Big deal. He had Pathos - a ball python who he was very fond of - and that was fine. 

At least it would be, if one of his co-workers didn’t have an unhealthy investment in his life.

“But like, have you gone on any dates at all in the past YEAR?” Toby asked dramatically while they fed the reptiles.

“I have not.” Ethan muttered, rolling his eyes.

“How are you even alive? When was the last time you even talked to a girl?”

“That has nothing to do with my dating life!” Ethan snapped. “For fucks sake - what is with you and trying to get me to date someone?”

“You’re lonely.” Toby mourned. “I feel bad for you.”

“I am not lonely.” Ethan lied. “What I am is gay, and tired of you trying to get me to talk to any woman who walks through the museum doors.”

“Oh.” Toby fell silent, staring at Delilah - the giant tortoise - as she chewed on a leaf. “Okay, well, when was the last time you even talked to a guy?”

“Are you stupid?” Ethan stared at him and Toby blinked, then smacked himself in the head.

“Oh yeah, I’m a guy.”

“Dear God.” Ethan rolled his eyes. 

Toby was a good person. The idea of Toby was nice. But working with Toby every day, when Toby really didn’t know what he was doing, was infuriating. He was an idiot.

“Well, when was the last time you spoke to someone you had a crush on?” Toby asked. “And I know it’s not me - you hate me.”

“I don’t need your help.” Ethan snapped, opening Pathos’s terrarium and dropping food inside before closing it. “I need you to help me feed these guys.”

“I feel like you care more about the reptiles than me.” Toby whined.

“I do.” Ethan agreed, rolling his eyes again. Toby pouted, turning to feed the giant iguana instead. Ethan watched him, then walked around the room to ensure all the animals had been taken care of correctly. They had been - which was a welcome relief. Toby never remembered everything, usually. And Ethan ended up having to stay extra late because of it.

“Welp, that’s all we’ve got.” Toby brushed his hands off dramatically. “You wanna lock up?”

“Yes because I don’t trust you.” Ethan waved him away. “Go out the right door, okay? The back one near the cleaning closet.” Toby sighed but walked down the hall toward the door Ethan had directed him to. 

Ethan checked on all the reptiles again, smiled down at Pathos, and locked the door before leaving. 

Another day in the grind of life. He sighed, rubbing his eyes. 

God, what wouldn’t he give for some kind of variety - the good kind. Toby was the bad kind because he was unreliable. Ethan shook his head at the thought. He was fine the way he was, after all. This was the life he chose - and while he didn’t choose to be complicated to the point that he was always rejected and ostracised, he couldn't change that.

“Perhaps tomorrow will be my last.” Ethan mused to himself as he walked across the parking lot toward his apartment - only a few blocks away. It was a morbid thought, but one that kept him going. Knowing that he might be killed accidentally, and he may as well see how that happened, was a strange way to be motivated. But it worked for him, most days.

The next day, it was a family day.

A day in the summer when families or groups of people could buy cheap tickets to the museum and live reptile show, and a day where Ethan always wanted to be hit by a falling piano.

He stood in the entrance, holding Pathos and talking to excited children and tired parents about snakes and letting them pet her. Then he’d promote the live reptile show, and they’d be on their way to look at the creepy taxidermied animals. What a fun time.

It was a day he dreaded all summer, and now it was here. 

Ethan was ready to give up on existence entirely by the time he looked up to see them walking in. And he couldn't help but stare, feeling his face grow red despite himself.

They were obviously friends - if not more - but the best part was the differences. The one that caught Ethan’s eye the most was tall - and obviously emo decked out in black despite the heat. He was walking in with two others - one even taller than him who wore a simple shirt and tie, whose face was framed with glasses, and whose expression was lit up with giddy excitement. The third was incredibly short - even shorter than Ethan himself, with bright red hair and green eyes, freckles, the whole ginger shebang. He and the nerd seemed much happier than the emo, and maybe that was why the emo caught his eye.

And then the redhead caught sight of Ethan and was bounding over, face lit up.

“I didn’t know they had anything alive!” he called over his shoulder to the other two, who were following him. The Emo slowed, brows furrowing.

“Alive?”

“A snake!” the nerd bent down to look at Pathos, who was snoozing in Ethan’s arms. “That’s a ball python, right?”

“O-oh.” Ethan cleared his throat, forcing a customer service smile onto his face. “Yes, this is Pathos. She’s our oldest snake - almost twenty years old now.”

“A snake?” the Emo stepped behind the redhead - as if he’d be protected if anything were to happen. “Why the fuck do they have live snakes here?”

“Our live reptile exhibit, of course.” Ethan nodded at a poster behind him. “We do informational shows at eleven and one every day - we have more than snakes, as well.”

“She’s so pretty!” the redhead beamed. Pathos flicked her tongue out, waking up slightly as Ethan moved her. She lifted her head and the emo held back a shriek, stepping back.

“Let’s go look at the dead stuff.” he begged, grabbing the redheads arm. “Logan, please?”

“But-” the Nerd - Logan? - looked away from the poster. “Oh, sorry.”

“They have a liger.” the emo said, pulling the redhead away and watching the nerd. “Let’s go look at the dead liger.”

“Alright, thank you,” Logan added to Ethan as he turned to follow them. His eyes flicked to Ethan’s name tag. “Ethan.”

“Uh… no problem…” Ethan mumbled, face flushed once again when he said his name. He watched them leave, that feeling returning to his chest. Oh great. Just what he needed - to fall in love with three men at once that he probably would never see again.

But he did see them again.

Ethan only worked until one - and while he didn’t trust Toby with locking up - the manager was closing the reptile room that night, so he didn’t have to worry. And Ethan hadn’t been doing well since running into those three gorgeous men. The possibility of any of them wanting him - especially that emo, due to the snake scare - was slim. 

He did not expect to see the redhead standing alone outside the museum when he left at two o'clock.

He was standing by the wall, looking down at his phone with an amused expression. Ethan forced himself to walk past and not stop to talk to him - but then his eyes caught sight of the pride pins on the redhead's jacket. A rainbow and a polyamorous flag. Shit.

That changed things. It did, and he sighed internally as he turned on his heel to walk toward the man, who was now covering his mouth to hide a laugh at what he saw on his phone. Fuck - that was adorable. Before seeing the pins - Ethan could tell himself he didn’t have a chance. But now he knew he did, quite possibly, have a chance. A small one, but a chance. And Toby’s irritating voice kept talking in his head, asking about his love life. He’d never know if he never went for it.

“Well hey there.” Ethan plastered on one of his favorite masks - confidence - and leaned against the wall next to the redhead. His head shot up in surprise, green eyes filling with recognition.

“You’re the snake guy!” he gasped, grinning.

“I go by many names.” Ethan laughed. “Call me Ethan.”

“I’m Roman.” Roman smiled, running a hand through his hair, ignoring the fact it was still as tangled and curly as it had been before. Adorable. 

“Well,” Ethan pushed off the wall to stand in front of Roman, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “I-” Roman’s body language shifted immediately, and Ethan saw him grow paler - if that was possible. What the hell? Roman glanced at the ground, rubbing his arm and laughing nervously. Oh. His usual tactics weren’t going to work - Roman was uncomfortable. Ethan started stepping back to give him space, only to be pulled off balance out of nowhere.

“What the fuck?” someone grabbed Ethan’s shoulder and pulled him backward. Ethan stumbled, eyes wide. “Who the hell do you think you are?” it was the emo, and he seemed very angry, pushing Ethan away to go to Roman’s side.

“Virge-”

“Are you okay?” the emo - Virge? - hovered over Roman nervously as Ethan found his footing. “What did he-”

“Oh, hello Ethan.” Logan had joined them as well, holding two bottled waters in his hands. “...are you alright?”

“Virgil, I’m fine!” Roman finally said loudly. “He was just saying hello!”

“What the hell was that for?” Ethan asked incredulously, rubbing his shoulder where Virgil had grabbed it. Virgil smiled sheepishly.

“Oh, sorry…” he frowned. “You’re the snake guy, right?”

“Ethan.” Ethan sighed, taking a deep breath. “Sorry, Roman. I never intended to unsettle you.” Roman shrugged. 

Logan handed Roman one of the waters, and Ethan glanced between them, understanding dawning on him.

“Forgive me,” he spoke awkwardly, clearing his throat. “But you three are dating, aren’t you?”

“Wh- what?” Virgil stared at him in surprise, while Logan just seemed amused.

“Yes we are, lucky me!” Roman laughed. 

“How…?” Virgil shook his head. “Why do you care and how do you know?”

“I guessed.” Ethan shrugged, then smiled as confidently as he could manage. “And I wanted to know if I’d be able to ask you all out at once, or if I’d have to pick who intrigued me more. As I was correct, I suppose the only question now is if you three have had lunch yet.”

“Holy shit.” Virgil turned away, covering his face with his hands. Roman gasped, clapping and nearly spilling his water.

“A twist!” he declared grandly. “An unexpected suitor appears, words smooth as silver despite his rugged appearance! What will our protagonists decide?” he looked eagerly at his boyfriends, and Ethan couldn't help but smile at the antics. Logan sighed.

“You don't have to narrate - we’re all here.” he said. Roman just shrugged.

“Sorry if…” Ethan flushed slightly. “That's a bit strange and forward.”

“It’s quite alright.” Logan adjusted his glasses. “Virgil?”

“Don’t bring the snake.” Virgil turned back around, surprisingly composed compared to his apparent breakdown moments earlier.

“Pathos will remain in the museum.” Ethan beamed, spirits lifting. “You’ll accompany me, then? There’s a wonderful diner a few blocks from here.”

“Yes!” Roman cheered softly, bouncing on the balls of his feet. 

“Let’s just go before people start staring at us.” Virgil mumbled, grabbing Logans hand as they started toward the street.

Ethan might have felt a bit too hopeful, listening to the three of them chat and bicker - drawing him into the conversation. Perhaps he would have a chance at an actual relationship, not just a single night. Perhaps this could work. Perhaps there was more to live for than an interesting death, after all. 

He pushed those thoughts away for another time, allowing himself to experience the first of many good days.

* * *

Ethan hadn’t felt like this for quite some time. He hummed softly, swinging his legs over the edge of the fountain. And he certainly hadn’t felt like this for three people at the same time - the most he’d ever fallen in love with had been two, before being rejected or used and abandoned.

The lunch had gone well - and he’d met up with the three of them one other time since that day, going to another museum where Logan was obviously the most interested. Virgil and Roman seemed content to just watch Logan ramble about space as if they’d heard the facts countless times. And, Ethan realized as Logan spoke on and on, they probably had.

He was actually supposed to be meeting Logan and Roman at the library today to see them again, without Virgil as he had some kind of meeting. Ethan wasn’t sure what their jobs were, but that was alright. They didn’t know exactly what he did at the museum when he wasn’t holding Pathos for kids to look at and coo over. 

Ethan stared down into the water of the fountain, inspecting his reflection. Rugged appearance, Roman had said when they met. Ethan wasn’t sure if that was a compliment or not, or if it had just been part of his excited narrations. Despite that, and even though the reflection was rippled and warped by the water, Ethan couldn't see why it would be a compliment.

It’s not like he was ugly - as Ethan refused to believe such a thing existed outside of societal constructs - but there was something about his appearance that Ethan felt repelled people. He wasn’t attractive - in any sense. He didn’t have Logan’s elegance, or Roman’s impish adorableness, or even Virgil’s hard-earned edginess. He was just there, obviously trying too hard, and failing. That, and the scars. Of course, it must be the scars.

Ethan reached up and tugged on his hair a bit, curling his fingers around the green and yellow strands. Was he trying, though? Or was he doing what he claimed to be doing, and just existing the way he wanted to? Did he want to exist this way? Did he want to exist at all? Ethan honestly couldn't be sure.

He sighed, turning and getting off of the concrete surrounding the fountain, landing heavily on his feet. Ow. Reminder, don't climb the fountain again.

The library was on the other side of the park, and Ethan didn’t have a car anyway, so he walked along the paths that twisted through the area past ponds and playgrounds. The closer he got, the further back he forced the depressing thoughts that plagued him. He was going to see Logan and Roman again - and they always made him feel as if he wasn’t just existing. Which sounded stupid, and he’d never say it aloud.

They were sitting at a picnic table outside the library when Ethan found them. Roman typing away on his computer and Logan reading what appeared to be a textbook. Of course he was. Ethan smiled, sitting down next to them.

“Ethan!” Roman’s head shot up and he beamed. 

“Hey guys.” Ethan smiled, running a hand up through his hair again. “What are you working on, Roman?”

“My book.” Roman sighed, turning to glare at the computer. “But my characters are not doing what they’re supposed to do.”

“...what?” Ethan looked at the screen - greeted by a google doc detailing some kind of conversation between a prince and a wizard. “They’re your characters, you’re the one writing it.”

“Supposedly.” Roman muttered, shaking his head as he closed the computer. “It’s alright - this is only the first draft anyway.”

“How was work, Ethan?” Logan asked, looking up from his textbook.

“It was alright.” Ethan shrugged. “Same as always, I suppose.”

“Well,” Roman stretched, joints popping quietly. “Your day is about to get a whole lot better!”

“Is it now?” Ethan grinned fondly, though Logan just sighed.

“It depends,” he explained. “Because today Roman had decided to introduce you to Remy.”

“Who?” Ethan looked at Roman, who just laughed and pointed over Ethan’s shoulder. Ethan turned to see someone walking toward them, a latte in hand and sunglasses on - hair a bright magenta color.

“Remy!” Roman cheered, jumping up.

“Hey, gurl.” Remy turned to Ethan, staring intently down at him, and Ethan suddenly felt awful. He looked down, stomach twisting uncomfortably. “I’m Remy, Roman’s best friend and bodyguard.”

“I’m Ethan,” Ethan said, voice sounding impossibly confident even to himself.

“Oh, I know.” Remy sat down at the table with them, laughing lightly. “They’ve mentioned you a few times, sweetheart.” had they? Ethan glanced to Logan, who just rolled his eyes and smiled. “It’s a rule in the world of everything that I meet and intimidate anyone Roman meets,” Remy explained. Ethan just stared at him, baffled.

“That’s not true!” Roman complained. “Don’t listen to him, Ethan. He’s just messing around.”

“Well, you’ve met me.” Ethan grinned, rubbing the back of his neck.

“I have not.” Remy scoffed. “I’ve learned your name. We - us four here because Virgil’s a loser with responsibilities - are gonna get to know each other better.”

“...what the hell?”

“Remy, I’m going to set you on fire,” Roman warned. Remy shrugged, sipping his latte.

“Sorry, Roman, this is just how life’s going to be until we die in a fiery death.”

“You two are ridiculous.” Logan rolled his eyes and looked at Ethan. “Remy is protective of Roman, and he has taken it upon himself to interrogate anyone we consider a relationship with. And the barista at Starbucks, but I think he had other reasons for that.”

“They were cute!” Remy protested. “Besides, I have a right to keep Roman in a safe bubble until the day he dies.”

“No, you don’t,” Roman muttered.

“Yes, I do.” Remy turned his critical gaze back on Ethan, and Ethan felt smaller than ever. “So tell me about yourself, sis. Because I’m not psychic.”


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Me: *finishes book before starting to Post*
> 
> Also Me: *wants to hold y'all in suspense*
> 
> me: *but... it's right THERE*
> 
> so we're posting frequently with this lmao
> 
> Y'all like Ethan? Wanna see him get completely crushed? Good. Cuz that's what's gonna happen *dabs*
> 
> WARNINGS: depression, self-hatred, feeling worthless, start of eating disorder, self-body-shaming, mentions of previous body-shaming, implied previous child abuse, mentions of sickness, food mentions, Ethan is also very GAY and a mess, Ethan is not okay, but what did you expect?
> 
> Enjoy this, darlings...

Ethan hadn’t cried in a long time. Years, if you didn’t count the times Pathos was just too adorable to handle. But he found himself sobbing into his pillow, an indescribable feeling of worthlessness filling him. He wasn’t good enough - and he knew that. But he just thought he could try. Try to do something for himself, try to be part of the world he was living in.

He didn’t know why Remy had caused him to feel like this. He was Roman’s best friend, and he really wasn’t rude at all. But his gaze felt so judgmental, and every time Ethan felt him staring, he was sure that Remy was seeing all the flaws he tried hard to conceal behind leather jackets and dyed hair. For some reason, he wanted to impress Remy.

And he knew that Remy wasn’t impressed. He’d known this whole time that it wouldn’t work out with Roman and Logan and Virgil. They’d all been dating for years, and the first time they’d met Ethan he terrified Virgil with a snake. He wanted to believe that all those things didn’t matter, and maybe they wouldn’t if he was someone else. But he was Ethan, and Ethan wasn’t good enough.

That just made his heart ache more, the idea that he was undoubtedly going to lose the close friendship he’d somehow developed with them. He wanted it to be more - but how could he expect it to develop more when he knew that even this wouldn’t last? He wanted it to last.

Ethan stood up, crossing to look in his mirror with a critical eye, pulling off his jacket to inspect his figure. Words from the past danced through his brain, words he’d dismissed years ago upon the decision that he didn’t care about anything at all. 

He could look good if he just watched his weight. If he ate a little less or would exercise more. If he’d take himself seriously, and stop trying to look like whatever it was he was trying to look like. If he’d stand taller, or act like an adult was supposed to act. He couldn't change what he was, and he wasn’t a kid anymore. He hadn’t been a kid since he was fifteen years old. God, why was he caring so much? He hadn’t cared for years. 

Maybe not caring about it had been wrong. Ethan stared at himself in the mirror, unsure if he felt disgust or nothing at all. Maybe it was time he tried to take more care of himself, and maybe it was time to change. As much as he could, anyway. There were some things he wasn’t going to be able to change - like the scars on his face, and the way he just wasn’t good enough.

“Stupid.” Ethan turned away from the mirror, shaking his head. He could do this. He just had to keep it together and try not to lose the one good thing that had ever happened to him. That wouldn’t be too hard, would it?

Evidently, he found, yes.

“Dude, are you okay?” Ethan looked up in surprise to see Virgil leaning on the desk in front of him. 

The receptionist got pneumonia, and so Ethan got stuck selling people tickets and answering stupid questions between reading the results of the reptile’s vet visits.

“Oh, Virgil.” Ethan ran a hand through his hair, combing it out of his eyes. “Yeah, I’m just covering for Maisey, she got sick, and no one else could-”

“I don’t care why you’re at the desk.” Virgil rolled his eyes. “You just look like shit.”

“Oh.” Ethan’s face flamed and he glanced at his reflection on the computer screen. He might look more tired than he usually did, but he didn’t look that awful, did he? “Sorry.”

“Hey, it’s chill.” Virgil looked around at the near-empty museum. It was raining, and no one ever came to the museum in the rain for some reason. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Ethan shrugged, re-stacking the papers for Daisy’s vitals. “What brings you to the creepy taxidermy building?”

“What do you think?” Virgil laughed lightly. “You’re off at five, right?” Ethan glanced at the clock, finding it was already four forty-five.

“Yeah.” oh. OH. “you came to see me?”

“Yeah, duh.” Virgil smiled. “I missed you on Monday because of meetings, so I thought I’d come to see how the week’s been. You’ve been pretty busy.”

“Yeah.” Ethan laughed nervously, shrugging. “How were the meetings?”

“Boring, but one of us had to be there.” Virgil yawned, stretching. Ethan raised an eyebrow. “Oh yeah. Logan and I own the company - but I’m the favorite boss.”

“Wh- you own it?” Ethan’s eyes widened and his spirits dropped. “What?”

“Yeah. we design websites and apps.” Virgil nodded, brushing hair out of his eyes. “It got really big a few years ago.”

“Oh.” Ethan nodded, heart aching. He knew they were well-off, but they owned a company? God, he really wasn’t good enough for them. 

“Anyway,” Virgil picked up a pencil and messed with it as he spoke. “It’s Friday, and we generally have movie nights on Fridays. We were wondering if you wanted to join? Usually ends in a pillow fight.”

“Oh.” Ethan hesitated, staring into the muddled reflection on the computer in front of him. He wanted to. That sounded so very fun. But… no. No buts. Ethan was going to lose them if he kept pushing them away. He knew that. And this time he didn’t want to lose them. “Yeah, sure. Sorry, you surprised me.”

“I’m good at that.” Virgil laughed lightly, putting the pencil back where he’d found it. “Awesome.”

“Hey, Ethan!” Toby chose that moment to bounce over, smiling brightly. “So, you know how you never do anything fun or talk to anyone ever?”

“No.” Ethan sighed, rolling his eyes.

“Well, I thought you might want to meet my friend, because he’s gay too, and-”

“Stop trying to set me up on dates!” Ethan snapped. Toby frowned, then saw Virgil.

“Oh! Sorry, I didn’t think anyone was here right now.” he flushed a bright red and Virgil laughed.

“It’s fine. I’m actually here for Ethan.” he winked and Ethan’s chest nearly exploded. What did that mean? Why did he wink? Fuck, why did he wink??

“Oh.” Toby nodded, eyes wide as he looked between Ethan and Virgil. Ethan glared at him. “Right, well, I was actually supposed to send you home, Ethan. You’re off at five, right?”

“Yeah.” Ethan stood up, shoving the papers into his bag. “Thanks, Toby. remember the space key is sticky and to hit it on the left side.”

“Sure.” he wouldn’t remember, Ethan knew, but he tried.

“You good to go then?” Virgil smiled, and Ethan nearly died at how pretty he was.

“Yep.” he walked around the front of the desk. “Bye, Toby.”

“Have fun!” Toby said brightly, staring intently at them as they left. Ethan walked out of the museum next to Virgil, hating how his face must be bright red at how warm it was. Virgil laughed.

“He seems like quite the character.” he chuckled.

“Toby is invested in my life and he doesn’t know much about it,” Ethan mumbled softly, staring up at the rain and letting it hit his face. “Sorry, you had to deal with him. He’s usually off sweeping somewhere.”

“Hey, it’s no problem.” Virgil laughed again. “You know how red your face got?”

“Wh- no!” Ethan scowled. “Shut up!”

“Okay, okay.” Virgil held up his hands. “Sorry.”

“It's alright.” Ethan sighed, hesitating as they reached the parking lot.

“I’m driving,” Virgil said, holding up his keys. “You don’t have a car, right? No way we’re walking in the rain.”

“Oh, right.” Ethan shook his head, hurrying to the truck in the near-empty parking lot and getting in the passenger door while Virgil started it.

“Anyway,” Virgil cleared his throat softly. “Sorry to surprise you. If you really need to sleep or something, I can drop you off at home. You seem tired.”

“Nah, I’m fine.” Ethan lied. “I want to hang out with you guys.” Virgil grinned at that, glancing over at him and nodding.

“Right. Well, be prepared to see our mess of a life.” he chuckled. “Roman’s probably gonna make you look at his garden if it stops raining. Just thought I’d warn you.”

“Roman gardens?” Ethan’s eyebrows shot up. He hadn’t expected that.

“He sings to the plants.”

“Oh.” that made sense, seeing as Roman was the way he was. Ethan sighed, brushing a hand over his hair and then face, wincing as he remembered the scars. 

It was a strange thing to forget, but he didn’t see himself a lot. It was upsetting to remember that people saw the scars when they looked at him.

“Just prepare yourself, because it’s a lot.” Virgil shrugged. “We’re almost there - it’s not a long drive especially with the empty roads.”

And, as he warned, they pulled into a driveway a few minutes later. Ethan stared at the house, not sure what he’d expected. It was just a normal house. It didn’t seem right that three incredible people lived inside.

“Home sweet home.” Virgil laughed, turning off the truck. “This is the point of no return, Ethan.”

“What?”

“You enter the house tonight, Roman’s gonna make you watch Disney,” Virgil explained. “And Logan is gonna make you watch a documentary. He makes all of us watch one at least once every movie night.”

“What kind of documentary?” Ethan asked, hopes rising. “There’s a super interesting one about Titanoboa I’ve been meaning to watch - that was the biggest snake to ever exist, you know. I saw it on Netflix and just haven’t watched it yet.”

“Snakes.” Virgil laughed and shook his head, getting out of the truck. Ethan followed, flushing slightly.

“Sorry, I know you don’t like them,” he said softly.

“I don’t have a problem with the  _ idea _ of snakes,” Virgil said, leading the way up to the front door. “But they make me nervous, and I hadn’t expected to see one that day at the museum.”

“Right.” Ethan nodded, though he was fairly certain that Virgil was lying to make him feel better. Virgil opened the door and they stepped inside, and Ethan was suddenly hit with the smell of burning popcorn.

“Virgil!” Roman gasped. “You brought Ethan! HEY LOGAN ETHAN’S HERE!” Virgil sighed, shaking his head again.

“Do I need to take my shoes off?” Ethan asked awkwardly, hovering by the door. Virgil shrugged.

“Not really. Logan wants us to, but he’s given up by now.”

“I’ve compromised.” Logan corrected, stepping out of the hallway. “Hello, Ethan. How has the week been? Busy?”

“Busy.” Ethan nodded, letting Roman pull him into the living room where piles of blankets and pillows took up most of the space.

“We burned the popcorn, but we’re making more,” Roman explained. “Welcome to our humble abode!”

“It’s nice…” Ethan stuffed his hands in his pockets, anxiety rising with every moment. God, how were they all so adorable and… normal? It wasn’t fair. He was definitely not good enough for them. 

“I can’t believe you burnt the popcorn.” Virgil mourned. Ethan looked over to see him standing by the bowl of blackened kernels. “I was gone for twenty minutes!”

“We can make more!” Roman said again, slightly louder. “Geez, it’s not the end of the world.”

“But the house is gonna smell like burnt popcorn for years now.” Virgil insisted, plucking a piece of the blackened snack and popping it in his mouth.

“Why are you eating it?” Ethan asked, walking slowly over into the kitchen.

“I’m not gonna waste popcorn, even if it does taste like coal,” Virgil said, holding out the bowl. “That’s why they didn’t yeet it in the dumpster immediately.”

“We’re nice like that.” Roman agreed, tearing the plastic off of another bag of popcorn. “Kettle corn or buttered?” it took Ethan a moment to realize the question was addressed to him, and he flushed.

“Oh, I don’t really care. I’m not a popcorn guy…” he inwardly winced at the lie, but shook away his guilt. He’d decided to cut down on snacks, so that was what he was going to do.

“More for me then.” Roman turned to survey the room - which while it was separated into sections by tile for the kitchen, was all just one open area with the kitchen and living room. “Okay, we’ve got blankets. Popcorn. What movies are we watching?”

“Does it matter?” Virgil asked snarkily. “You’re gonna fall asleep.”

“No, I won’t.” Roman scoffed. Ethan chuckled a bit, god, why were they all so perfect?

“You can put your bag down,” Logan offered softly from behind him. Ethan jumped in surprise, and Logan smiled and took a step back. “My apologies, I thought you heard me behind you.”

“It’s fine.” Ethan laughed, pulling his bag from across his shoulders. “Where should I put this…?”

“Anywhere is fine.” Logan shrugged, and Ethan noted that he wasn’t wearing the shirt and tie he’d been wearing every time he saw them before and was instead changed into a unicorn onesie. Logan followed his gaze and sighed. “It’s an old tradition,” he explained shortly.

“Yeah, they had onesie nights even before they met me!” Roman added from where he was dumping the unburnt popcorn into a bowl. “Though I like to think that I’ve made it better.”

“You have,” Virgil said, putting his bowl of black popcorn down. “Sorry I forgot to warn you, Ethan. Obviously you don’t have to wear a onesie.”

“I don’t think I own any onesies,” Ethan confessed.

“And the onesies aren’t important.” Logan added, turning toward the TV. “any movie requests to start with?”

“Ethan wants to watch a snake thing,” Virgil said loudly, grinning at Ethan’s sharp look. “What? You do. We’re going to watch a lot of movies tonight, only fair you get to choose.”

“Yeah, but…” Ethan sighed, unable to find any reason that Virgil was wrong. “Okay, but if you get bored with snake fossils and science, don’t blame me.”

“What movie?” Roman asked as they migrated into the living room.

“It's a documentary about Titanoboa,” Ethan said, unable to stop from smiling. “It's this gigantic snake that lived like, forever ago. I haven’t watched it yet, but the snake was huge! It wouldn’t even fit through a normal doorway, with how big it is.”

“Ah,” Logan nodded, opening Netflix on the television. “I believe I saw that once - just in the background during work.”

“We don’t have to watch it,” Ethan added quickly, sitting gingerly on the floor next to the couch. “I mean, there are a lot of movies, so-”

“Shush.” Roman elbowed him gently, shaking his head. “We’re watching it,” Virgil smirked over from where he was sitting leaned against Logan’s shoulder. Ethan let himself smile, then turned to the television as the documentary started. 

Might as well enjoy this while he had it, he figured to himself. In a few weeks, they’d be gone from his life and he’d be the same as before. That’s just how it worked with him.

* * *

“Who was that guy on Friday?” Toby asked, practically materializing at Ethan’s elbow on Monday morning. Ethan jumped, nearly dropping the bowl of lettuce he was holding. “Is he gay? He’s cute, did you-”

“Shut up, please.” Ethan pressed the bowl into Toby’s hands. “Feed Daisy, will you? You’re twenty minutes late.” Again.

“Also, how do you know if someone is gay or not?” Toby asked, talking despite Ethan’s request as he opened Daisy’s tank and plucked a few pieces of lettuce from the bowl. “How do you even know if  _ you’re _ gay? How can you tell if-”

“I swear to god,” Ethan grabbed Toby’s shoulder and turned him to face him. “If you keep asking me stupid questions, I’m going to lose it.” Toby stared at him, closing his mouth slowly. Ethan sighed. Well, now he felt like a dick.

He let go of Toby and turned away, gently lifting Pathos from her tank.

“It’s hard to know.” he finally said. “I just… never felt attracted to anyone, and then a day came when I saw a freaking hot guy, and that was that.” Short version, leaving out homophobia and jerkass parents and the incident that left half his body covered in burn scars.

“Sorry.” Toby sounded sincere, for once in his life. “I was just curious.”

“It’s fine.” Ethan sighed, turning and putting on his customer service smile. “If you need me, I’ll be educating the youth. Snakes are underappreciated.”

“Yeah, I know you have a weird snake obsession.” Toby rolled his eyes. “Have fun traumatizing third graders.”

“School doesn’t start for another two weeks.” Ethan pointed out, walking to the door. “Remember to fill the water bowls, okay?”

“Of course!” 

Ethan shook his head at Toby’s cheerful voice, looking down at Pathos as she curled around his arm.

“He’s going to be the death of me,” he said, gently stroking her head. “Isn’t he, darling?” 

Pathos, thank goodness, didn’t say anything. The day the snakes started talking back, Ethan would officially be insane.

“I know you agree with me.” Ethan smiled, stepping out into the public area, where daycare groups and flustered mothers were trying to corral children together. God, why? Why did he work here?

“A snake!” a young child ran up, grinning with four missing front teeth. “Can I hold him?”

“No.” Ethan forced a smile. “But you can pet her with two fingers, like this.” he bent down, showing the kid how not to hurt her. The child copied him, face lighting up as Pathos lifted her head slightly.

“What's her name?”

“Pathos.” Ethan smiled for real now at the kid's excitement. “She’s a ball python - and she’s almost twenty years old.” He wasn’t supposed to tell the kids any complicated or gross facts, which annoyed him but he needed a job. So, same facts all the time. How boring.

“Wow, that’s really old!” the kid's eyes widened. “Will she die?”

“Hopefully not for a-”

“Jackson, there you are!” a woman holding a baby on her hip appeared, grabbing Jackson's arm. “I told you not to run off, we need to stick together.”

“But Mom-”

She ignored him, pulling him away without giving Ethan a second glance. Ethan sighed, watching the family get lost in the chaos of the lobby. Well, that was that then.

Ethan stood back up, looking around at the people entering the museum to see dead things.

Why did they have the live reptiles, anyway? Ethan shook his head as a group of teenagers spotted him, faces lighting up at the sight of Pathos on his arm.

He was glad they did, of course. He loved the reptiles, and he supposed not everyone was so averse to snakes.

But it was still hard to spend every day answering the same questions over and over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YEE okay so I've left Ethan's past pretty vague at the start of this, but all will be explained in time I promise. Basically, his 'cutting down on snacks' was him trying to stop eating junk food. problem is, he's neglected to replace that with healthier things and is therefore not eating. It'll get worse from here, tho. It's always important to remember that eating anything is better than eating nothing. Stay safe y'all. 
> 
> Thanks for all being so supportive and sweet! ^-^ Y'all make me so happy you amazing beans!
> 
> Love you all,
> 
> -Coby


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We've! Got! Another! Chapter! YEEEEEEE This chapter has one of my all-time favorite scenes in it, so I hope you enjoy! ^-^
> 
> WARNINGS: Eating disorder, self-body-shaming, self-deprecation, depression, feeling worthless, food mentions, Remy accidentally being a jerk, sickening fluff, I'm A Hopeless Romantic Okay, Ethan is not alright. Lemme know if I missed any!
> 
> And off we go...

Ethan wasn’t exactly sure where his relationship with the three of them stood, now. He’d never been good at reading relationships, but he was just more confused with them because of how honest they were. He didn’t think he’d ever seen one of them hesitate to answer truthfully or hold back a relevant opinion. Heck, they asked every time they went for a hug with each other or Ethan. It was baffling.

How could there be so much honesty and trust? It didn’t make sense. People needed to have secrets, things that they didn’t tell. Heck, Ethan had a lot of those. 

He squinted at the mirror, wondering if his eyes were playing tricks on him. He’d gone from fewer snacks to fewer meals - but he still looked exactly the same. Maybe worse. He looked more tired, more like he wasn’t taking care of himself. But that made no sense - he was taking better care of himself, now. That’s what this was all about.

Ethan sighed and turned away, shaking his head as he pulled on his shirt and jacket. Whatever - he’d just have to try harder. Maybe he hadn’t been as good at refusing food as he thought. He couldn't worry about that right now, he was supposed to be grocery shopping today.

Maybe that would help - he’d get more produce than he usually did. He wasn’t sure how he’d cook that, but he’d learn. It's not like he was going to stop eating entirely, after all. Just better. Maybe a little less. Maybe Roman had some recipes, as he used only produce he grew in his garden anyway.

Ethan grabbed his phone and left, rubbing his eyes in an attempt to feel less exhausted. He hadn’t slept well, yeah, but that wasn’t his fault. He wasn’t the one to skip a day of work with no warning. That had been Toby. The bus wasn’t great, but Ethan didn’t have a car. Or a driver's license, for that matter. So he got on and collapsed into a seat, running a hand through his hair.

“Well look who it is!” Ethan’s head shot up when the voice greeted him, and he was met with a wide smile underneath a pair of sunglasses. Remy sat next to him, sipping his latte. Awesome. Just what Ethan needed. Not. “How’s it been, sister?”

“Um, it’s been okay.” Ethan swallowed, already feeling like Remy could see right through him.

“Where you headed at this time of the day?” Remy raised an eyebrow.

“Groceries,” Ethan mumbled, looking away. He could still feel Remy’s eyes on him, and it was driving him nuts. 

“Well, how about that.” Remy chuckled. “Same here! We can spend more time, then. I wanted to talk to you anyway.”

“Me?” Ethan’s stomach twisted with worry - definitely not hunger - and he looked back at the other. “Why?”

“Because my best friend is head over heels for you, and I’m not sure why.” Remy shrugged. Ethan’s face flamed and his eyes widened.

“Wh- what are you talking about?” he spluttered, shaking his head. “I.. what?”

“I’m not gonna lie to you, hun.” Remy shrugged. “You’re not really his type. Not that he has a clear type - I mean have you seen Logan and Virgil? They’re like two opposites. But I’m not gonna let Roman get into something that he doesn’t want.”

“Right.” Ethan looked at the floor, spirits dropping further. “Well, if it makes you feel any better, I don’t think I’m good enough for him either.”

“That does, actually. It shows you aren’t a complete asshole.” Remy said, getting to his feet as they reached their stop. Ethan sighed, getting off as well. He obviously hadn’t left a good first impression, no reason to make it worse by ditching him.

“I don’t know if Roman would care if I’m an asshole,” Ethan remarked jokingly. It was only half true - Roman seemed to accept any and all flaws without a second glance, which was probably why Ethan had lasted this long with them.

“Yeah, that’s why he has me.” Remy snapped. Ethan looked at him, shaking his head.

“I was joking, geez. What is your problem with me?”

“I don’t have a problem with you, sweetheart.” Remy sipped his latte and grabbed a shopping cart. “I have a problem with assholes. And I can’t tell what you are yet.”

“Right.” Ethan sighed. 

“Anyway, I gotta ask.” Remy halted next to a rack of Oreos, inspecting them before turning to face Ethan. “What do you know about them?”

“Them?” Ethan frowned. “Roman and Virgil and Logan?”

“Yep.”

“Uh…” Ethan blinked rapidly. “What kind of things? Roman gardens. Logan likes documentaries - he and Virgil own a company together…?”

“He does garden.” Remy seemed disgruntled by this, grabbing a pack of Oreos and dropping them in his cart. 

“Um, Logan is bi, right?” Ethan wracked his mind for any facts that might help him out here. “I think he mentioned that sometime…”

“Yep.” Remy slurped at the last of his latte, then threw it in a trashcan. “What are you here for, gurl?”

“Oh, just…” Ethan blinked and looked around. “Some produce, and cereal.”

“Right.” Remy turned the cart down an aisle, beckoning for Ethan to follow. “You’re anxious.”

“Um, yeah.” Ethan scoffed. “You just appeared and started interrogating me, of course, I’m freaking out! I was just trying to buy my fucking groceries, okay?”

“Oh.” Remy nodded, pushing his glasses up sheepishly. “Sorry, I guess. I just gotta make sure you aren’t going to hurt my boys.”

“Hurt them?” Ethan asked incredulously. “What about me makes you think I’d hurt them? I’m a fucking snake scientist, Remy. That’s not exactly scary.”

“You don’t exactly present yourself as a cuddly snake man.” Remy pointed out. Ethan glanced down at himself, realizing what he meant.

“Well, that’s rude. Virgil’s full-on emo, and Roman’s dating him.”

“Yeah, but Virgil’s a wimp.” Remy shrugged. “Don’t tell him I said that. You, my friend, are not a wimp.” Pfft. Remy had no idea.

“You don’t even know me.” Ethan turned to look at the shelf, grabbing a random box of cereal. “And for the record, I doubt I’m going to know the guys long enough to hurt them. So you can calm down about that.”

“Oh?” Remy seemed surprised. “Are you moving or something?”

“No,” Ethan sighed. “But that doesn’t matter.” 

“So what is it then?” Remy asked as they moved into the produce section. “Planning on ghosting them in a couple of weeks?”

“No!” Ethan sighed. “Forget it, okay? I’m not gonna hurt them.”

“Right.” Remy eyed him with that judgmental gaze again and Ethan hated himself. 

What did Remy think of him? If he saw Ethan without the jacket and hair ensemble, he’d just think less. He’d see all the scars, and the fully boring, awful, disgusting person Ethan would be without this mask of bright and dark clashing. 

“If you do,” Remy said after a moment of silence, in which Ethan grabbed a few vegetables he recognized. “Hurt them, I mean. I’ll kill you.”

He said it so matter of factly, and Ethan turned to stare at him. Remy stared back, dead serious.

“I’m not going to!” 

“Good.” Remy smiled. “But I thought you deserved a warning. Watch yourself, kay?”

And with that, Remy pushed the shopping cart at him and turned away, walking toward the exit.

“You forgot your Oreos,” Ethan called after him, but he ignored it. Ethan sighed, glaring at the sugary snack in his cart. What was Remy’s deal? It was like he was trying to make Ethan do something wrong, just so he could have a reason to dislike him. 

Ethan put the Oreos back and went to the register, thoughts stuck on Remy and that judgmental look in his eyes. It made him feel awful, more so than usual, that is.

What had Ethan gotten himself into?

* * *

Ethan wasn’t exactly sure how he’d found himself in this situation. Sure, he remembered what happened, but it was confusing. It was Friday again, and again he’d found himself invited to a movie night. Virgil had given him a ride over but then ended up having to go save Logan because his car broke down at the store.

“Roman’s out back gardening,” Virgil said, obviously frazzled. “I’ll be back in like, five minutes with Logan.”

“Oh, Okay, Um-” Ethan swallowed. “What do I-”

“Just chillax, or you could go say hi to Roman.” Virgil paused for a second, and Ethan could almost see his thoughts racing around in his head. “Don’t walk up behind him, though. Make sure he sees you.”

“Okay…?” Ethan opened his mouth to ask another question, but Virgil was already starting his truck back up, and Ethan found himself standing on their front walk by himself. Awesome.

Well, if he stayed out here the entire time he’d look like a complete idiot.

Ethan sighed, walking up to the door that Virgil had left ajar, stepping inside.

It was strange to see their house empty.

The other times he’d been there, everyone was talking and moving around the living room and kitchen areas. Now, it was still and silent. It was creepy, really. Ethan closed the door gently and walked toward the couch, only to pause when he finally did hear something.

Singing.

It was Roman.

Ethan put his bag on the couch and walked over to the back door, spotting Roman in the back of the yard, singing at the top of his lungs.

He was good. Ethan didn’t know why he was surprised, but he was. It wasn’t like Roman seemed small or delicate despite being absolutely tiny. He filled every room he was in with his loud voice and laugh, and his adorable smile. This was somehow different. Ethan had heard him sing before, but not like this. He was giving it his all, beaming down at the plants around him.

Ethan opened the large sliding door and stepped out.

He hadn’t been back here before and was surprised by how cozy it seemed. The deck spanned the entire back of the house, and there were trees along the fence except for where Roman’s garden was. It was big, but it seemed to be small enough to feel like you were safe. Cozy, like he’d first called it.

Roman hadn’t spotted him yet and Ethan slowed his steps as he crossed the grass, Virgil’s request echoing through his mind. It confused him, but he didn’t want to do anything wrong. He didn’t want Roman to stop singing, either, but the idea of accidentally hurting the smaller man made Ethan feel sick.

“Roman?”

Roman’s voice softened and he turned, still humming the tune. When he saw Ethan, his face lit up, though his cheeks grew pink.

“Oh!” the tune stopped completely and Roman bounded over, meeting Ethan in the center of the yard. “Ethan! Hug?” Ethan nodded, already used to the question - as all of them asked every single time they went for one. Roman embraced him tightly, then stepped back. “Where’s Virgil?”

“He had to get Logan,” Ethan said softly, his voice sounding foreign to himself. “His car broke down at the store.”

“It does that.” Roman sighed, shaking his head. “He’ll get a new one eventually. Probably only once that one bursts into flames.” Ethan chuckled, looking over Roman’s shoulder to the garden. 

“I haven’t heard you sing like that before.” why did he say that?

“Oh.” Roman’s face turned a bright red. “Yeah, uh. I don’t usually.” he laughed, rubbing his neck. “But the plants like it.”

“It was nice,” Ethan promised. “I enjoyed it.”

“Yeah?” Roman’s face brightened, and then he held out his hand. Ethan hesitated, then took it, and Roman pulled him toward the garden. “I know, scientifically, plants don’t care about singing,” he said breathlessly, gesturing down at the different sections. “But I like it, y’know? And even Remy admitted last year that he liked the fresh veggies.”

“Science…” Ethan shook his head. “Science doesn’t explain everything.” Roman nodded, releasing Ethan’s hand as he spotted a weed and knelt to pull it. 

“Do snakes like singing?” he asked, glancing up over his shoulder, beaming. Ethan’s heart dissolved, at that moment. Roman was gorgeous. Adorable, impish, face smeared with dirt, and gorgeous.

“I don’t know.” Ethan managed, forcing himself to look away and laugh softly. “I’m not much of a singer.” Roman scoffed, jumping back to his feet.

“Sure you are!” he held out his hands again, and Ethan took them; gasping when Roman started leading them through a simple dance. “Sing something.”

“Wh- what?” Ethan shook his head, face burning. “Roman, I could never sing as well as you can-”

“I’ll go first.” Roman decided, then started softly singing a song Ethan didn’t recognize. Not that he listened to a lot of music. 

Ethan had never thought of himself as a very romantic person - for many reasons - but there was something about that moment with Roman. It felt magical, and he found himself smiling genuinely despite the fact that he knew it twisted the scars on his face into something ugly. 

Roman spun him around as he finished, then beamed when Ethan halted facing him.

“Now you.”

“I-” The look on Roman’s face was too happy and hopeful for Ethan to refuse, and he sighed. “I don’t know a lot of songs. What should I sing?”

“Do you know any Disney?” Roman suggested, taking Ethan's hands again. Ethan nodded, thoughts skating over the songs he knew well enough to sing before settling on one.

“I’ve been…” he sang softly, not meeting Roman’s eyes. “Staring at the edge of the water…” 

Roman gasped softly when he recognized the song, starting a slow dance again. Ethan knew he was not a good singer - he never had been, but Roman didn’t say anything as he sang the song, letting his voice get a bit louder with every step of their improvised dance.

“One day I’ll know…” Ethan glanced down to see Roman was beaming at him, and a spike of joy shot through his chest. “If I go there’s just no telling how far I’ll go…”

Roman softly sang along, just a whisper, and Ethan wondered if he even knew he was doing it. 

Roman seemed that much more real, at this moment. He’d always seemed like somewhat of a mystery to Ethan, what with Remy’s protectiveness and the way Virgil had reacted when they first officially met. He’d always seemed delicate, like something to be protected. Now, he seemed to take up more space than ever - and not just because he was being loud to combat his small size. He was smiling, sunset shining across his face and making his hair and freckles look bright orange. Ethan wondered vaguely what Roman thought of him - hearing the scratchy and underused sound of Ethan’s singing voice.

“What is wrong with me?” a burst of painful emotions filled Ethan’s chest when he sang that line, and he barely managed to clear it in time to sing the next line.

As they finished, Ethan realized they’d inadvertently been dancing much faster - if you could call it dancing, that is. Roman had just been spinning them around, occasionally doing something silly like a dip - though Ethan was taller - and spinning individually. Because of this, Ethan hadn’t been ready for the sprinkler - previously unseen - to be under his feet.

They tumbled to the grass, gasping out the last line of the song. Roman laughed, rolling onto his back to stare at the sky - streaked with pinks and blues and golds from the sunset.

“You were right,” he said after he caught his breath. Ethan turned to look at him, eyebrow raised. Roman giggled. “You aren’t a very good singer.”

“Oh, thanks.” Ethan rolled his eyes, sitting up. Roman followed.

“But thank you,” he added, grinning wider than Ethan could remember him grinning. “I don’t sing with people a lot - Logan only likes to rap, and Virgil’s voice gives him dysphoria.”

“I’ll sing with you whenever you’d like,” Ethan said, surprising himself. Roman beamed, and he surged forward, only to stop and glance at Ethan.

“Can I hug you?”

“Of course.” Ethan nodded, letting Roman bury him in a hug. 

Despite what had happened just now - the strange intimacy of dancing and singing - he still asked. Ethan supposed that wasn’t a bad thing, as they weren’t technically even dating at the moment. But it still confused him, and as Roman sat back, running his fingers through tangled curly hair, Ethan wondered what it was that he didn’t know about him yet.

“You guys okay?” Ethan looked up in surprise to see Virgil and Logan stepping onto the deck. “You tripped.”

“So we did.” Roman laughed, jumping to his feet and holding out a hand. Ethan took it, face warming slightly.

“You saw that?”

“We weren’t gonna bug you.” Virgil shrugged. “But then you fell and Logan got all stressed out.”

“Yes.” Logan rolled his eyes, smiling slightly. “It was I that panicked. You know me, Mr. Worry.”

“Oh shut up.” Virgil rolled his eyes as Roman and Ethan joined them. “You guys ready for a movie night?”

“Yes!” Roman punched the air. “I’m getting my pajamas - we’re watching Moana first!” he hurried inside and Ethan chuckled, following Logan and Virgil through the door.

“Well, he’s cheerful,” Virgil remarked, looking over with a soft smile. Ethan nearly died - god, how was Virgil so freaking pretty? “What’d you two talk about?”

“Nothing.” Ethan shrugged. “We were singing.”

“That’d do it.” Logan agreed, walking to the movie shelf. “Roman is a very talented singer, he took voice lessons since he was eight years old.”

“Wow.” Ethan nodded. “Well, it worked. I’m awful at singing.”

“Well, it looked like fun until you fell over.” Virgil chuckled, brushing grass from Ethan’s shoulder. “Sorry - you’ve got grass literally everywhere.”

“Oh.” Ethan glanced down at himself to find that Virgil was right. Even stuck to his leather jacket - all across his back. “Wonderful. I’ll go outside to get it off so I don’t get it everywhere.”

“You don’t hav-” Ethan shook his head, stepping back out onto the porch. He brushed himself off, watching through the glass door as Virgil walked over to Logan, resting his head on his shoulder.

He wondered, wincing, what they could be talking about. He’d been doing better all week. He’d lost nearly ten pounds, too - and his jacket hung a little looser around him. That, and he’d managed not to kill Toby at work when the kid peppered him with questions.

Ethan shook his head. He just had to keep trying to be better - he really didn’t want to lose them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Augh Ethan, you're already perfect the way you are my precious bean.
> 
> ah well.
> 
> Thoughts? Enjoyed it? Hated it? Lemme know! ^-^ Thanks for all being so nice and enjoying my work!
> 
> Love you all,
> 
> -Coby


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is... a little weird. idk. Not my favorite, kind of a filler, but hey! It progresses THE PLOT which is the important thing so here you go!
> 
> WARNINGS: Food mentions, snake mentions, being surprised, self-doubt, self-deprecation, sickening fluff, Sympathetic Deceit
> 
> OFF WE GO!!!

“Ethannnn!” Toby cheered when Ethan walked into the breakroom. Ethan scowled, looking over at him. 

“What?”

“What?” Toby stared. “What!? Didn’t you get Sarah’s email?” Ethan shook his head. His computer was broken, and he never got emails from work anyway so he hadn’t worried about it.

“What did it say?”

“The reptile exhibit is one of the most mentioned things in surveys people take!” Toby said, holding up his phone to show him the email. “Gosh, where’s Sarah now, she wanted to talk to you!”

“What are you-”

“Ah, Ethan.” Ethan turned, utterly exhausted, and raised an eyebrow. “Toby, maybe go sweep the lobby,” Sarah said. Toby pouted but left the two alone.

“Am I getting fired?” Ethan asked with an eyebrow raised. Sarah laughed.

“Why do you always assume the worst when I need to talk to you?” she asked, walking over to her computer and gesturing for Ethan to follow. “No, you’re not getting fired. You’re getting promoted.”

“Promoted?” Ethan asked incredulously. “To what?” there wasn’t a lot to do with this job. He was the reptile caretaker and researcher - Toby was his assistant - there was no higher rank, so to speak.

“The numbers from the show have been incredible,” Sarah said, pulling up a graph. “Since you started, the health of the reptiles has gone up, the tickets to shows have gone up, and more people have been returning to the museum.”

“That doesn’t prove causation.” Ethan pointed out.

“The surveys do,” Sarah said, pulling up another page, where Ethan was surprised to see several entries calling him by name. 

Teachers, whose students hadn’t been interested in Reptiles at all until Ethan did the show. Parents, who loved the fact that their kids were playing outside looking for snakes and reading science books more. Even some teenagers, rambling on about how nice he’d been.

“You’re the reason we kept the live reptiles in the first place,” Sarah said, looking over at him. Ethan stared back, unsure of what to say. “Before you graduated and applied here, they were looking to be donated to the zoo, or some other place. The reptile show was getting shut down.”

“It was?” Ethan hadn’t known that. The museum wasn’t the museum without the reptiles, not to him.

“You’ve put us on the map, somehow.” Sarah laughed. “Maybe it's because your animals are alive instead of stuffed, or because you’re friendly and honestly passionate about the snakes, but the local news station wants to do a report on our reptile program. And you are now the official spokesperson for us.”

“Spokesperson?” Ethan echoed, eyebrows furrowed. “For a tiny room and a stage where we talk about snakes?”

“It's more than that and you know it.” Sarah scoffed. Ethan nodded, a soft sigh escaping his lips. “And, Ethan.” Ethan looked at her again.

“We’re building,” Sarah said, then glanced around. “Don’t tell anyone. It's a work in progress - but as you are now one of the senior managers, if you want to accept the job that is, I’m telling you. And we’re getting an entire wing dedicated to the reptiles, most of them alive, in special terrariums that you can help make sure are safe.”

“Really?” Ethan’s heart soared. “Are you serious?”

“Very.” Sarah smiled. “So, you in?” she held out a hand and Ethan shook it, nodding numbly. “Well then, Dr. Lyde, welcome aboard.”

“I didn’t get my Ph.D.” Ethan laughed, brushing hair out of his eyes. “Just masters.”

“You will.” Sarah shook her head. “I don’t understand it - but you know who Mr. Bean is, right?”

“Yeah, he’s the millionaire that owns this place.” Ethan scoffed, looking around the breakroom - which was not the best he’d ever seen. “What does he have to do with it?”

“He might not be like, the head manager,” Sarah said. Ethan nodded. She was the head manager, caretaker of the museum. “But he still likes to have a hand in things. He’s the reason all this is happening, and he’s always had a thing with labels. He wants to pay for you to get a doctorate.”

“He what?” Ethan stared at her.

“Oh - maybe sit down.” Sarah took his elbow and helped him into one of the old plastic chairs. “Just… take a second. He’s a crazy old guy, alright? Don’t tell him I said that.”

“When would I tell him anything?” Ethan asked weakly.

“He… wants to talk to you in person.” Sarah frowned. “Didn’t you get my email?”

“My computer’s broken.” Ethan shrugged. “Haven’t fixed it yet. Sorry, what’s happening?”

“The man wants to give you money because he’s old and has no kids and you love snakes,” Sarah said, then shook her head. “It sounds ridiculous.”

“Okay.” Ethan held his head in his hands, elbows on the table. “Give me a minute. I gotta figure out what the hell you just said.”

He had no freaking idea what was happening. 

“He’s gonna be here in fifteen minutes,” Sarah said, checking her watch. “I just wanted to make sure you knew what was going on.”

“Are you serious?” Ethan looked up, still rattled. “Are you seriously serious?”

“Yes, I am.” Sarah chuckled. “Sit tight and drink something until he gets here, alright? You look like you’re gonna pass out.”

“Right,” Ethan mumbled softly, staring at the table. Sarah patted his shoulder and stood up, walking to her computer again.

Fifteen minutes later, right on time, an old man with white hair and a cane walked in, beaming. He seemed vaguely familiar, but Ethan wasn’t sure why.

“Hey, Rick,” Sarah said cheerfully, shaking his hand. “This is Ethan Lyde - the snake guy.”

“The snake guy!” Rick said, beaming as Ethan shook his hand as well, swallowing nervously. “You, my boy, are the reason I started this place!”

“Wh- what are you talking about?” Ethan asked incredulously.

“I wanted people to be excited to learn! Excited about the world we live in, and you are one of those people! I’ve watched you talk about your passion, and you care about the reptiles as more than a job. That’s what this world needs.”

“Y-you have?” Ethan’s eyebrows rose.

“When the numbers started lifting, I came in to see for myself.” Rick sat down, and Ethan took the spot across from him. “And you are doing exactly what I wanted to do when I founded this museum.”

“I’m very confused,” Ethan confessed, running a hand through his hair. “I mean, why is this so… why is this so big? All the sudden?”

“Does it seem sudden?” Rick raised his eyebrows. “More people have been in the live reptile show every day. The gift shop was restocked with more reptile merchandise than ever. I intended this to come as an expected surprise.”

“Well, I just…” Ethan sighed. “I was just thinking about the snakes, not about the gift shop, or whatever.”

“I love it.” Rick slammed a hand on the table. “You are the perfect person for this.”

“Okay…” Ethan sighed in defeat. “I mean, I’m not complaining, exactly. But I just didn’t think-”

“You don’t worry about a thing,” Rick promised. “Once the new building’s up and we’ve finished moving, we’ll worry about your school. If you’ll accept my offer, that is.”

“I…” Ethan shook his head. “I’ll think about it?”

“That’s good enough for me.” Rick held out a hand, and Ethan shook it again. “You’re officially promoted, my friend. Now you take today off - you look pale.”

“I think he’s in shock.” Sarah chuckled, smiling sheepishly at Ethan. “Sorry to surprise you.”

“Well, I best be off.” Rick stood, grabbing his cane. “There’s a piano recital across town - I thought I’d go watch it.” Ethan watched the man leave, mystified. Sarah took Rick’s place.

“You okay?” 

“No.” Ethan shook his head numbly. “Not really.”

* * *

“We wanted to talk to you about something,” Logan said. 

Ethan looked up from his tea, eyebrow raised. They were sitting in the diner again - the one they’d gone to the first day they met. Ethan hadn’t told them yet about what happened at work - what was he supposed to say? They’d just been having dinner, and now he was suddenly worried about what Logan was going to talk about.

“Nothing bad.” Virgil laughed, kicking him lightly under the table. Ethan nodded, though he still felt worried.

“What’s up?”

“So y’know how we’ve basically been dating you since we met?” Roman asked cheerfully. Ethan choked on his tea but nodded. It was true - though it was mostly just museums and nights out aside from movie Fridays. 

“Wow, way to kill him before we get to the important part.” Virgil rolled his eyes as Ethan coughed, breathing deeply after a moment.

“Well, we just figured we could make it a bit more official,” Logan said calmly. Ethan’s eyes widened. What? 

“Make sure we’re all on the same page, at least,” Virgil mumbled, watching him worriedly.

“You- are you…” Ethan stared around at them and Roman laughed that adorable impish laugh.

“You asked us out first.” He pointed out. “So what’ll it be, snake guy? Wanna be our boyfriend?”

“Yes.” Ethan leaned his head on his hand, face flaming. “Shit, yeah. I do.”

“Yes!” Roman cheered, holding out his arms. Ethan nodded and he was wrapped in a hug, laughing softly.

“Don’t look so surprised.” Virgil chuckled. “I thought we made it pretty obvious recently we felt like this.”

“I.. I dunno,” Ethan mumbled. “I’m not observant, I guess.”

Not observant about work, not observant about these three. His boyfriends. Wow, what? This had been a day he didn’t understand, and it had been good. Good luck. Who knew Ethan could have good luck.

Of course, Remy hadn’t acted any nicer toward him since the day in the grocery store. Ethan had assumed that meant it wasn’t going to work. But, he glanced at the three of them, all their soft smiles, Remy really wasn’t the one to make that decision. Was he?

“Not a lot will really change,” Virgil said softly. Ethan looked up, realizing he’d zoned out slightly in his thoughts. “I mean, this is just making it official, y’know?”

“Yeah, of course.” Ethan chuckled. “Sorry, I’m not nervous or anything, just frazzled because of work.”

“What do you do, actually?” Logan adjusted his glasses. “I meant to ask, as you know more about snakes than an average museum worker.”

Ethan smiled. This, he could talk about. He knew more about snakes than he knew about himself.

“I’m a herpetologist!” he declared. “A snake scientist. I help with the other reptiles as well, doing research and making sure they’re healthy. If I could, I want to get my hands on some of the more endangered species and help to repopulate. The reptile program at the museum isn’t super big right now, but I actually just learned today that we’re expanding it.”

“A snake scientist!” Roman chuckled. “You literally are a snake guy!”

“I guess,” Ethan shrugged, hiding his smile behind his cup. “I just really like snakes,” he mumbled after a moment.

“We can tell.” Virgil laughed softly. “You sound like the right person for the job.”

“I mean, I hope so.” Ethan sighed, shaking his head. “I’m going to have a lot more to do once they’re done building the new place. We’re getting more reptiles - like a zoo section with living reptiles instead of taxidermy.”

“Oh great,” Virgil said, dramatically flat-voiced. “More live snakes.”

“You don’t have to come to see them,” Ethan promised. “They make some people nervous, and while that nervousness could be based on stereotypes - it could also be caused by other things. Life experience, instinct. It’s alright. Biologically, instinctively, they mean ‘danger’.”

“You look so happy when you’re talking about snakes!” Roman exclaimed, slamming a hand on the table. “You gotta do it more!”

“What?” Ethan stared at him, eyebrow raised. “I’d run out of things to say eventually.” he pointed out.

“Not if you try hard enough.” Roman scoffed. “Like Logan. He can talk for hours about one thing, it’s great!”

“Not hours.” Logan protested. Virgil just looked at him, then Ethan and Roman, shaking his head. “Alright, so I can talk for hours about space. So what? It’s much bigger than a snake is.”

“See?” Ethan gestured to Logan. “Thank you!”

“That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk about what you like more,” Logan said. Ethan rolled his eyes.

“I talk about snakes all day at work, you don’t want me to get bored of them, do you?” as if that would ever happen. Ethan would probably never get bored of snakes - they were too adorable.

“I talk about Disney all the time, and I’m not bored of it yet.” Roman declared. “And I’ve been doing it for like, twenty-eight years now.”

“Since the day you escaped the womb.” Virgil agreed solemnly. Logan sighed. “What?”

“Your humor escapes me,” Logan said simply. Virgil just grinned. 

Ethan smiled at their interaction, staring down at what was left of his tea. How could one day be as good as this? It seemed impossible. It should be impossible, especially for Ethan. Yet, here he was. Sitting with the three people he loved more than anything, on his way to being who he’d wanted to be since he was twelve years old.

What a strange feeling. He hoped it would last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me? Writing a chapter with BARELY ANY ANGST?? haha, get ready friendos. shits gonna go down and ain't nobody gonna be okay. mwahahahahaha enjoy the fluff while it lasts, suckers.
> 
> Thanks for reading!!! It means a lot! ^-^
> 
> Love you all,
> 
> -Coby


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HAVE ANOTHER CHAPTER WHILE I'M BUZZING FROM THAT NEW VIDEO LIKE HONESTLY I'M THRIVING
> 
> WARNINGS: Eating disorder, depression, accidental triggering of PTSD, mentions of PTSD, sexual jokes (calm down they're just in love), feeling guilty, self-deprecation, sickening fluff, food mentions, mention of previous suicide, mention of previous prostitution, mention of self-harm (like one sentence), possibly implied future smut? none is included in any chapters but I want to make sure I have everything covered so its really not a lot just two gays making out
> 
> Enjoy! The real Angst/Whump starts next chapter! ^-^

Ethan found himself spending more and more time at his boyfriends' house than he did his apartment. The apartment was small, and he liked spending time with them. He still went there most days, usually sleeping in his own place. But he also spent most Friday nights sleeping over in piles of pillows, watching movies in the snake onesie he’d gotten from the museum’s updated gift shop. 

The more time he did spend there, the more he realized that the strange honesty and trust he’d noticed hadn’t just been around other people. That was just how they were. Everything seemed so out in the open, with them. They’d off-handedly mention something that, personally, Ethan wouldn’t tell anyone if it had been him. Virgil’s transition, Roman’s brother - who Ethan learned had committed suicide at age 18 - and Logan’s struggle with expressing his emotions clearly. It was talked about, discussed as facts. Calmly, collectedly, and usually ending in at least one hug.

He mostly listened, absolutely terrified of being as honest as they all were with him. That, and he didn’t want to be rude and ask a bunch of questions. They didn’t have to be sharing it with him. They didn’t have to be sharing it with anyone, but they were. 

It did stress him out, though. The idea that he wasn’t being as honest with them as they were with him. That he was still watching how much he ate every day, and that he’d been having thoughts of self-harm like he had in high school again, and that he was still pretty sure they were going to dump him eventually. He never wanted to tell them any of that, let alone pieces of his past like they would with him. Yet, at the same time, he felt the overwhelming urge to say it all. Let it spill out of him when something connected to it came up in conversation.

But, he didn’t. And he wasn’t really sure why.

“Thanksgiving!” Roman declared in November, a few days before said day. “Beginning of eggnog season - Logan I found eggnog at the store!”

“Excellent.”

“Eggnog season?” Ethan asked incredulously, looking up from an email from Sarah.

“It's the only way we can get Logan to celebrate the holidays,” Virgil explained, laughing softly as Logan went to the kitchen table, where Roman had grabbed two mugs and the half-gallon of pumpkin-spiced eggnog. “He’s not religious, and most holidays bug him. But from November to January, he’s obligated to celebrate if we have eggnog.”

“Oh.” Ethan laughed softly at that, watching the two of them bicker over how full one of the mugs were. They were like twelve-year-olds.

“But yeah, speaking of thanksgiving,” Virgil sat up from where he’d been lying on the couch - which Ethan had noticed recently was actually half of a sectional. 

They’d taken it apart, putting it in several places around the room instead of using it the way it was made to be used. He hadn’t asked, figuring if there was an important reason, they’d let him know.

“We’ll gorge ourselves on eggnog all day!” Roman declared, beaming over. “You guys want some?”

“I meant about family plans.” Virgil rolled his eyes.

“Oh, right.” Logan adjusted his glasses. “My parents are coming to town to visit, Ethan. They want to meet you, I meant to give you a warning.”

“It's alright.” Ethan shrugged, glancing back at the email. “When are they coming?”

“Tomorrow, and staying all week,” Logan said. “When do you work?”

“It's a college-run museum, and they’re in the middle of moving the pioneer wing across town,” Ethan explained, reading from the email as he did so. “Closed until next Monday, I just need to check on the reptiles at night.”

“Well, that works out just grandly!” Roman declared, putting his hands on his hips. “My mom’s coming down the day after, too. Just for the day.”

“Really?” Virgil looked surprised. “You decided yeah?”

“It’s…” Roman shrugged, looking down at his eggnog. “Yeah. I mean, it’s not gonna be the whole family, and I haven’t seen her in ages. Remy’s been on my back about it.”

“Remy is a wimp.” Virgil scoffed. Ethan smirked, remembering that Remy had said the same about Virgil. “But that’s cool, Roman. Remember to let us know what’s up.” Ethan raised an eyebrow, confused, but Roman just nodded. Huh.

Unfortunately, Logan spotted his baffled expression.

“The holidays are a sore spot for Roman,” he said, watching as Roman drew a line on the carton at the spot the eggnog filled to before putting it away. 

“Just when my family’s around.” Roman insisted. “They remind me of Remus.”

“Oh, right.” Ethan nodded, looking down at his computer. “Sorry.” 

Brothers. Gosh, he hadn’t thought about his own for a while. How old would he be now, eighteen? Nineteen? 

“Nah, you should know.” Roman chuckled. “Just in case you find me in a breakdown.”

“A breakdown?” Ethan tore his thoughts from trying to remember his younger brother's name, looking up again.

“He’s just being dramatic.” Virgil scoffed. “You haven’t had a full breakdown in like, a year, Roman.”

“You never know.” Roman shrugged, walking over and flopping onto the other half of the dissected sectional. “Ethan, you should just stay with us all week. You don’t have a lot of work, it’d be fun!”

“Oh.” Ethan hadn’t thought of that. It sounded fun - though he hadn’t had a lot of multi-day stay-overs with them yet. It’d give them more time to try and make him eat snacks, and realize how much he was hiding, but he desperately wanted to. “Yeah. That does sound fun.”

“Our evil plan is a success!” Virgil cried dramatically. “You’ve fallen in love and will never escape us!”

“That’s fine.” Ethan looked back at the email, reading the closing paragraph before closing his computer.

“Yeah, Virge.” Roman pouted dramatically. “It’s not a punishment to love me, of all people, It’s a prize! Hardly an evil plan to trap someone with.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Virgil chuckled. “I know, obviously.” a pause. “Sorry.”

“Ah, you’re alright.” Roman shrugged, rolling off the couch onto his feet. “I request snuggles, though.” Ethan watched in amusement as Roman walked over and flopped next to Virgil on the other couch. “Let’s watch a movie.”

“What d’you wanna watch?” Virgil laughed, adjusting slightly and making Roman’s head fall into his lap. He sighed. “Roman…”

“I am but a noodle.” Roman mourned. “Boneless. At mercy to the elements.”

“I don’t have the remote, genius.”

“Here.” Ethan stood, retrieving it from the coffee table and handing it over. Virgil rolled his eyes, gently shoving Roman into a half-seated position. Roman laughed, righting himself.

“Ethan, snuggle with us!” He demanded before Ethan could sit down. “Um, only if you want to.” Ethan raised an eyebrow but could find no reason to refuse and sat on Roman’s other side, pulling one leg up with him.

“Wow, so bossy.” Virgil elbowed Roman lightly, laughing.

“You’re bossy all the time.” Roman scoffed as Virgil flipped through their movies looking for one to watch. “I just drank like, a ton of eggnog and I’m zazzed.”

“That’d do it.” Logan agreed, taking Ethan’s spot in the chair - which Ethan was fairly certain was just the corner piece to their sectional - a book in hand. “What are we watching?”

“Virgil hasn’t decided yet,” Ethan said drily, leaning his head back on the couch, staring at the ceiling.

“Well, no one’s given me any suggestions!”

“Cinderella!” Roman said. “Brave! Big Hero Six! Disney!”

“Disney? Alright, going black cauldron.” Virgil chuckled. Roman whined.

“But there are no songs!”

“That’s why I like it.”

“Just sing the songs you think it should have,” Ethan suggested. Roman’s face lit up, and Virgil grimaced.

“Oh god, really? You too?”

“It was just an idea.” Ethan chuckled. “But I guess we could cover his mouth if we get too annoyed.”

“No, you won’t,” Roman said, all trace of teasing gone from his voice. In fact - Ethan’s brow furrowed slightly - he seemed worried.

“We will not,” Logan promised.

“Okay, I was just kidding anyway,” Ethan said, feeling worse now. Whatever he’d done, it hadn’t been good. He was awful at this, wasn’t he?

“We can watch something else,” Virgil suggested into the tense silence. Roman shook his head, hugging one of Virgil’s arms lightly.

“Nah, Black Cauldron sounds alright.” he insisted, a wide smile on his face that Ethan could tell was forced. Virgil and Logan could undoubtedly tell as well, but Virgil just nodded and started the movie. 

Ethan tried to watch, bury himself in the movies like he’d grown fond of doing recently, but the gnawing guilt remained, keeping him from being relaxed. He had no idea why he never managed to do things right - and he’d tried so incredibly hard not to say or do anything to hurt them. But somehow, it seemed he had. And he hated it.

* * *

“You could use a guest room or ours,” Logan said, helping carry Ethan’s duffel bag in despite Ethan insisting he could. “Pillow forts work for one night, but not a week.”

“Oh, right.” Ethan shrugged. “It doesn’t really matter - but don’t your parents need a room tomorrow?” He knew Roman had his own room, as he was very ace and surprisingly anxious about it, and there were only three bedrooms.

“I suppose.” Logan frowned, looking at the doors. “We could work something out if you want your privacy.”

“You and Virgil’s room is fine,” Ethan said, shaking his head. “I was just thinking out loud - sorry Lo.” Logan smiled, adjusting his glasses.

“No need to apologize for that.” they entered the room - which Ethan hadn’t really been in before. He’d seen it when Roman decided he needed a grand tour, but they usually hung out in the living room. He was still surprised - not having remembered that there was an unused twin-sized bed against one wall despite there being a king-sized that Logan and Virgil always used. 

“I could have carried that,” Ethan said again, putting down his backpack on the desk chair. Logan shrugged, placing the duffel bag down.

“It’s alright - I wanted to talk to you anyway.”

“Oh.” worry twisted in Ethan’s stomach and he turned to face Logan fully, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “Okay, what about?”

“Nothing bad.” Logan laughed softly, sitting on the edge of his and Virgil’s bed. “Just to apologize for earlier - the joke you made.”

“Oh.” Ethan knew what he meant, and winced. 

“Roman does not like to think about it,” Logan said slowly as Ethan walked over to sit next to him. “And I must admit, neither do I. So let it suffice, for now, to say that we know you had no ill-will towards him. Past experiences have caused Roman to be triggered, perse, by some topics. One of which would be restraints, like a covered mouth.”

“Okay.” Ethan nodded, chewing on his lip. Great. Not only had it just been awkward, but turns out it had made Roman upset - maybe even scared of him. Just what he needed. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to… to bring anything back up, or-”

“It's quite alright.” Logan insisted, opening one arm in a silent offer for a hug. Ethan leaned against him, relieved. “You didn’t know, and now you do. Roman is fine.”

Ethan nodded, closing his eyes as he sank into Logan’s warmth. Sure, hugs and cuddles happened all the time, but Logan was always so freaking warm. It may have something to do with the fact that Ethan was always cold, but he wasn’t sure. Logan hummed softly, running a hand through his hair.

“What?” Ethan asked, faking grumpiness.

“Your skin is very cold,” he noted casually. Ethan nodded.

“Always is. I’m cold-blooded.”

“That’s impossible.” Logan pointed out as they both moved back, lying on the bed with Ethan still in his arms. Ethan chuckled, closing his eyes to savor the comfort.

“No, it’s not. I’m the snake guy.” he reminded. Logan sighed, shaking his head before gently kissing him. Ethan’s heart swelled, and he sank deeper into Logan’s embrace. Something about this moment - like the time dancing with Roman - just seemed more. More everything.

“To the contrary,” Logan said matter of factly, moving back after a moment. “You do not have fangs.” Ethan laughed breathlessly, opening his eyes again to see Logan’s eyes sparkling in amusement.

“Okay, you got me. I’m human.” he hummed, arms wrapping around Logan’s neck. “Kiss me again anyway?” Logan obliged, pulling him slightly closer.

God, he was intoxicating. Ethan didn’t remember the last time someone held him the way Logan was - so obviously absorbed in that one moment. 

That moment lasted forever, though Ethan figured it was only a few minutes until Virgil coughed, amused, from the doorway. Ethan’s face immediately flamed, thoughts racing. He knew, really, Virgil didn’t mind. He’d voiced that several times, reminding Ethan that they were all a part of the relationship, but Ethan still worried.

“Hate to ruin the moment.” he chuckled at them as Logan sat up, fixing his glasses. “But the Pizza’s here.”

“Ah.” Logan stood up, stretched, and smiled at Ethan. Ethan got to this feet, thoughts muddled by worry and the remnants of what had just happened. “Are you alright?”

“Wh- huh?” Ethan blinked rapidly, staring up at him. Logan raised an eyebrow. God, he really was the sweetest. “No duh.” he rolled his eyes slightly. Virgil laughed, shaking his head.

“That’s what I try and tell you, Logan,” he said as they went out to the kitchen, where Roman was ripping open a pack of paper plates. “You’re pretty enough to drive grown men insane.”

“Hey!” Ethan scowled. “I’m right as rain, just so you know.”

“For now,” Virgil said ominously, winking. Ethan flushed, storming over to the table and opening the pizza box.

“Uh oh.” Roman joked, bouncing over with a handful of plates. “Logan seduced you!”

“Pf-” Ethan rolled his eyes, plastering an obnoxiously confident smile on his face. “He did not, I seduced him first!” Roman held back a laugh, glancing at Logan, who just hummed at Ethan’s statement. 

“Sure you did.” Virgil reached over Ethan’s shoulder for a piece of pizza.

“It can’t be that hard to believe,” Ethan muttered.

“I believe you.” Roman decided. “Logan’s a softie, I’m sure.”

“Oh yeah.” Virgil nodded, voice dripping with sarcasm. “He totally wouldn't fucking dominate you, an-”

“Holy shit.” Ethan’s face burned once more and he turned away, stuffing pizza in his mouth. Virgil laughed again.

“Alright,” Logan spoke up, trying and failing to hide his amusement. “That’s enough for now.”

“Okay, okay.” Virgil laughed. “Sorry, Ethan.”

“It's fine,” Ethan mumbled, turning back and sitting at the table with them. “Just didn’t expect it.” 

Roman snickered a bit but didn’t contribute much else as the conversation drifted to other topics, instead staring down at his pizza with an expression Ethan couldn't place. Again, Ethan felt guilt twist inside him. Was Roman actually okay, like Logan had said? Ethan of all people should be able to tell when someone was pretending to be okay. He always could - except for now. Roman looked up, laughing at something Virgil had said, and all sign of anything wrong vanished, replaced with the usual sunshine radiating from his face.

Ethan didn’t know what to think, and he sure as hell wasn’t going to bring it up when everyone was so obviously feeling better. That would just be rude, not to mention he loved to see them all smiling. He’d save it for another time, Ethan decided to himself, looking down at his own piece of pizza, mentally counting up the calories. Thanksgiving week was going to be harder than usual, especially spending it with all of them, but he would manage. And if he went over, he could always make up for it in the weeks following.

Then there were the scars - he’d have a grand time trying to keep them from seeing their extent, now. Of course, they knew his face was scarred, but there had been no reason for them to see his shoulder and chest before - which was where the worst of it actually was. 

Ethan rested his head on his hand, listening to the three of them chatter and joke about something or another. They were all so amazing - so different - but so amazing in their own ways. He hated the thought of losing them for anything, it terrified him. It was strange - all the other relationships he’d been in had never lasted this long or even gotten to a point you could call it a relationship. There would be single nights, where his scars would be mocked and he would be used, but he had no problem with that. It gave him connection - and he’d more recently been too absorbed in work to do even that. 

This was different. This was more than an attractive face or an excuse to lose himself - this was everything. They were very attractive, yeah, but Ethan had never found himself caring about someone else like this. Maybe that scared him a little bit, too.

But whatever the case, he didn’t want to lose it. All the others, he’d hardly cared. This, Ethan was determined to keep. So he’d do whatever he had to do it, even if it meant stretching the truth a little bit here and there. And really, did it even count as stretching the truth if no one asked about those things? No, Ethan didn’t think it did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let us know how that works out for you, Ethan... *evil laughter* y'all the angst is just getting started. Who wants whump? Who wants pain? who wants SUFFERING? hopefully, it's you guys because that's what's coming!!!!
> 
> Thanks for being so cool and sweet to me all the time, you're all awesome!!!!
> 
> Love you all,
> 
> -Coby


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who wants some ANGST and some FLUFF and some VERY NOT GOOD THINGS HAPPENING? Hopefully, it's you because that's what you're gonna get.
> 
> This book has a lot more fluff than the last one lmao I just realized that sorry frendos.
> 
> WARNINGS: Self-deprecation, self-doubt, food mentions, eating disorder, PTSD, anxiety/panic attack, accidental triggering, Unsympathetic Patton, not taking care of oneself, angst. 
> 
> Yee sounds like a party amiright? lmao.

Ethan hadn’t been nervous to meet Logan’s parents. He really hadn’t been - the day before. Now, sitting with Virgil and Roman on the couch waiting for Logan to get back from the airport - he was a wreck. Mentally, at least. Outward, he tried to maintain his usual calm composure. But inside, he was worried. 

What were they going to think of him? Remy had a point when he said Ethan’s first impression wasn’t a very good one. But it wasn’t his fault that he was judged by stereotypes, just because he had a fondness for leather jackets and hair dye.

Yeah, he was nervous. So what? He was allowed to be nervous about things. And it's not like he’d ever done this before - what relationship had he ever had that lasted long enough for him to meet the others parents? None of them.

“What’d the coffee table ever do to you?” Virgil’s amused voice broke through Ethan’s thoughts and he looked up from where he’d been accidentally glaring at the table in question.

“Oh, sorry.” Ethan sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I’m just thinking.”

“Mhmm.” Virgil rolled his eyes, eyebrow raised. “You’re more nervous than I am faced with Pathos. Logan’s parents aren’t that scary.”

“Wh- I’m not nervous!” Ethan lied, stuffing his hands in his pockets. Virgil just looked at him. “Okay, I’m nervous! Sorry, I just…” he sighed, shaking his head. “I’m just being stupid.”

“Hey.” Virgil scowled. “Don’t talk about my boyfriend like that.” Ethan chuckled, looking over at him. “What’s got you so worried?”

“Um, maybe the fact that Logan’s known his parents for, I dunno, twenty-seven years longer than he’s known me.” Ethan sighed, slumping back into the couch cushions. “And they probably matter to him more than me. And if they hate me, odds are that this entire thing will fall to pieces.”

“Wow, you sound like Virgil.” Roman remarked softly, walking in from his bedroom, wearing a sweater instead of the wrinkled hoodie he’d had on earlier. 

“Yeah, why would they hate you?” Virgil asked, smiling slightly. “Logan loves you, and they raised him. Don’t you think that’d affect who he loves quite a bit?”

“Not necessarily!” Ethan sat up, pulling his hands up to mess with his hair again. “I mean - come on, Vee, you know that’s not really how it works.”

“Then why would Logan care what his parents think of you?”

Ethan scowled, curling a strand of hair around one finger for a moment.

“I hate it when you make sense.”

“I always make sense.” Virgil said. Roman scoffed from his place in the kitchen, a mug of eggnog in his hands. “Oh, whatever, Roman. I make sense right now and that’s what matters.”

“Sorry, I told you it was stupid.” Ethan sighed, pulling his hands from his hair to fall in front of him, trying to force them to be still. 

“It's not stupid.” Roman piped up. Ethan nodded, smiling weakly despite the fact that he still felt nervous. Maybe Virgil and Roman were right - but maybe they weren’t.

“That’s them,” Virgil said when they heard a car door open outside. Ethan fell back into the cushions, biting the side of his cheek. “God, just wait until you meet Jackie. She’s the whole party all by herself.” Jackie. Ethan realized then he’d never bothered to ask what their names were. God, he was awful.

“Jackie and who else?” he asked, getting worriedly to his feet as he heard voices outside. “Why didn’t I ask before, I-”

“Jackie and Megan.” Virgil said cheerfully, walking to the front door as they saw the shadow of three people walking up the steps.

“Oh, right, okay.” 

Ethan chewed on his thumbnail, watching from next to Roman as Virgil opened the door, letting a short blonde woman carrying a suitcase enter, beaming brightly. Short as in almost as short as Roman short - but not quite. Wow, Roman was really short. Ethan shook his head, forcing himself not to get distracted. She was followed by Logan and another woman - a little taller than Ethan, with dark eyes and hair the color Ethan’s was before he’d bleached and dyed it beyond recovery. 

“Uh, here.” Ethan reached for her suitcase, mind spinning as he reminded himself that first impressions were everything. The blonde shook her head, setting the suitcase down and instead pulling him by the arm into a hug. “Oh.”

“So this is Ethan!” she gushed, patting his back roughly. “Oh, you’re freezing! Logan, turn up the thermostat, will you? For goodness sakes.”

“Mom.” Logan sighed softly as Ethan managed to pull himself from her grip, smiling politely.

“I’m always cold.” he promised. “The thermostat is fine.” she nodded, though looking doubtful, and turned to hug Roman the same way she’d hugged Ethan.

“Ethan, these are my parents.” Logan gestured blandly to the second. “Megan, and you obviously met Jackie.”

“Just call me Mom, like Logan!” Jackie added, coming back for another hug after greeting Virgil.

“Uh, right.” Ethan hugged her politely, looking to Virgil for help. Virgil just chuckled, hugging Megan as well.

“Mom, Mother, this is Ethan.” Logan finished, rolling his eyes.

“Hello.” Ethan said, relieved when Jackie finished her hugging spree and walked with Logan into the living room.

“Roman, you’re too skinny, dearest.” Jackie shook her head. “Honestly, Logan. I expect you to take care of your boys!”

“Mom, please.” Logan sighed.

“Yeah, Logan.” Roman grinned. “Feed me more snacks!”

“I’m not stopping you,” Logan grumbled, rolling his eyes at Ethan’s raised eyebrows.

“True. I need more eggnog.” Roman turned, cheerfully going to the fridge.

“You two and eggnog.” Megan spoke for the first time, surprising Ethan with a surprisingly strong, carrying voice. “Honestly.”

“What can I say, it runs through my bloodstream at this point!” Roman joked, obviously used to keeping conversation alive with the two women.

“You’ll get used to them.” Virgil laughed, taking Ethan’s hand. Ethan nodded, still unsure how to react. 

“Virgil, Ethan, sit down so we can catch up!” Jackie waved them over to where she’d sat down with Megan on the couch. Logan sighed, looking at them and shaking his head in defeat. Ethan smiled despite himself, tugging Logan with them as they piled on the other couch, Roman returning to lean on the back of it.

“Time to spill the tea.” he remarked cheerfully. Ethan looked at him incredulously and he shrugged. “Remy’s been rubbing off on me for the past ten years.” ah, that was something Remy would say.

“Logan, you will never guess what your cousin Margaret has been up to.” Jackie said cheerfully. “She-”

“Is getting married.” Logan rubbed his eyes.

“Yes!” Jackie clapped her hands, beaming. “Again! Isn’t that something? That’s three in the past eight years!”

“I am aware.”

Ethan looked at Virgil, who just shook his head. Jackie continued to ramble on about Logan’s extended family, eventually managing to get Logan seated next to her instead, with Virgil joining him for ‘moral support’ and Ethan found it hard to keep track of what she was talking about.

“She’ll calm down.” Megan - now seated next to Ethan with a mug of eggnog Roman had given her - promised. “She just gets excited, and forgets that Logan has social media.”

“Ah.” Ethan nodded, unsure what to say. Megan smiled, looking over at him.

“Everyone’s intimidated at first, I was.” she added. 

He nodded again, rubbing absently at his wrist under the sleeve of his jacket. God, he was awful at talking to people. How did he even get to the point where he was in a relationship, let alone with three people? 

“Gotta say,” Megan said after he stayed silent for a moment longer. “You’re quieter than I expected.”

“Oh, sorry,” Ethan reached up to mess with his hair again, then put his hands in his pockets so he didn’t draw attention to it. 

“Nothing to be sorry about.” Megan smiled. “It’s just that most of Logan’s boyfriends have been talkative, like Roman and…” she trailed off, occupying herself with eggnog. 

Ethan frowned, wondering what that was. She’d obviously been about to say another name - Virgil? Virgil wasn’t as talkative as Roman but was more than Logan.

“So where’d you meet our boys?” Megan asked instead of elaborating.

“Oh, at the Museum…” Ethan was relieved he finally knew what to say. “Just a place full of taxidermy animals and wax figures and history facts - as well as a live reptile exhibit. I’m a herpetologist and the main reptile caretaker.” Megan’s eyebrows rose as he spoke. “I usually just do field trips and live shows, but they were there on family day and I was in the lobby with Pathos. She’s a ball-python, one of my favorite snakes. Logan loves museums, but I guess you know that.” he laughed nervously, realizing he’d started to ramble.

“Oh, I know.” Megan smiled. “What was that snakes name?”

“Pathos.” Ethan answered. “We have more but she’s my favorite. We’re actually about to expand the entire reptile exhibit in a bigger building because it got so popular.”

“You’re talking about the snakes?” Roman jumped onto the couch next to him. “Warn me next time so I can listen!”

“Since when do you like snakes?” Megan asked in surprise.

“Since it's the only thing that makes Ethan smile like that.” Ethan flushed, burying his face in his hands. Roman giggled softly.

“Awe, don’t stop.” Megan nudged Ethan with her knee. “Roman just got here. What other reptiles do you guys have?”

“...we have a giant tortoise named Daisy.” Ethan said softly, trying and failing to keep his smile under control. When he grinned, the scars on his face seemed to twist him into something awful. He knew that - but he couldn't help grinning as he continued to talk to the two of them about the changes coming to the reptile program, and the animals themselves.

* * *

As Megan predicted, Jackie was much calmer in the next few days. She’d still chatter about people Ethan didn’t know, and she’d hug much too tightly whenever she got the urge, until Logan politely took her to a different room to talk, after which Ethan noticed she’d ask the way the three of them always did.

The day before Thanksgiving, Roman and Ethan found themselves dragged to the kitchen to help Jackie make pies while Logan and Virgil were at the table, talking with Megan about their company.

“The secret is to forget the stupid recipe.” Jackie said, dumping a generous tablespoon of spices into the pumpkin pie filling - made from pumpkins from Roman’s garden.

“I feel like that could end badly.” Ethan pointed out softly, making Roman grin.

“Only for a novice!” Jackie waved a finger. “I don’t claim to be an expert, by any means. But I’m no novice.”

“Who’s an expert then?” Ethan chuckled.

“Oh, famous chefs.” Jackie shrugged, whisking the filling briskly. “Grandmothers. Oh, and of course Patton.” Ethan raised an eyebrow.

“Who?”

“That boy who dated these three a few years back,” Jackie said, as if it were obvious. Ethan realized now that the entire house had fallen silent as she spoke. “He was an expert - made better pies than I’ve ever been able to!”

“Mom.” Logan stood slowly, Ethan could feel the tension between them all swelling to a bursting point. 

“Okay, so maybe he wasn’t great at kiwi pie - but he had apple down…” Jackie turned, suddenly picking up on the strangely tense mood around her. “Oh. Roman, sweetheart, you look ill.” 

Ethan turned, and sure enough, Roman was leaning against the counter, paler than ever, staring slightly glassy-eyed down at the floor.

“Ro…?”

“Mom, let’s go talk.” Logan said, swiftly taking the bowl from Jackie’s hands and pulling her toward the hallway. “Virgil, can you…”

“Yeah.” Ethan stepped backward, baffled as Virgil made his way to Roman’s side. Megan got up to follow her family, and the building tension seemed to explode into shrapnel as muffled voices could be heard from the guest room.

“‘M fine.” Roman mumbled softly, in response to Virgil’s questions. “I- I’m just gonna…” Ethan’s eyes widened when Roman shoved past both of them, grabbing the trashcan in time to vomit into it. 

“Oh, Roman…” Virgil was obviously completely focused on the redhead, and Ethan didn’t know what to do. Was this a breakdown? Was Roman actually sick? Who the hell was Patton and why didn’t Ethan ever hear about him before?

Ethan slipped out the back door, closing it silently behind him to breathe deeply.

Whatever had happened, it was obviously more important than pies.

He walked slowly away - toward Roman’s garden that had been lovingly taken care of and prepared for winter. Despite them living in Florida, Roman insisted on doing it that way. He sat under one of the trees lining the yard, letting his thoughts drift.

He knew it was none of his business what happened. Who Patton was. Why Roman had such a strong reaction. But he couldn't help but think about it, and slowly started tying things together.

Always asking consent before the simplest of contact. Not approaching Roman from behind without warning. Roman’s separate bedroom and even bathroom. The moment with Logan a few days earlier, learning of Roman’s trigger connected to being restrained or silenced. The strange lack of any sign of a previous boyfriend in any of their pictures or stories from years earlier. Remy’s strange over-protectiveness of Roman. Hell, it might even explain the mystery of their sectional being split into pieces - though that just made Ethan worry all the more.

Whoever this Patton was - he’d hurt Roman. 

The thought made Ethan’s blood boil in a way he’d never really experienced before, and he wasn’t sure what to do about it.

So he sat under the tree, idly pulling up single blades of grass and placing them in a row on his knee. He spaced out, and only came back to himself when he heard someone calling his name.

It was getting dark, and Virgil stood a few yards away, hands stuffed in his pockets.

“Ethan? How long have you been - were you crying?” 

“No.” Ethan reached up, shocked to feel that, yes, he had dried tear tracks along his face. His hand brushed over the scars there, but he ignored it. “Oh. Sorry, lost track of time I guess.”

Virgil closed the last few feet between them, reaching down to help Ethan up. Ethan stumbled, feet buzzing numbly.

“Is Roman… okay?” he asked hesitantly, reaching up to mess with his hair. Virgil’s face softened slightly, and he nodded.

“He’ll be alright, I think. It’s a… a long story.”

“That’s fine.” Ethan shrugged, looking down toward Roman’s garden. “Not my business, anyway. I just didn’t want to make anything worse.”

“Need a hug?” Virgil opened his arms, and Ethan stepped gladly into them, the question burning into his mind even more than before after the realization he’d come to earlier that day. “Fuck, you’re freezing!”

“I always am.” Ethan rolled his eyes, unable to be as sarcastic as usual with the weight he felt in his chest. 

“Come inside, we’re watching Disney.” Virgil said, walking with an arm around Ethan as he stumbled on his numb feet. “You were sitting on them for too long.”

“Yeah, no shit.” Ethan scoffed. “I spaced out, alright?” Virgil laughed softly, shaking his head as they made their way to the deck.

The pies had been finished while Ethan was gone, sitting on the counter. Roman was on the couch, wrapped in a blanket and watching Mulan. Logan sat next to him, though he didn’t seem as invested in the movie as Roman was. 

Ethan tried his best to watch the movie instead of Roman as he and Virgil claimed the other couch - Jackie and Megan strangely absent from the living area. 

Back there in the kitchen, when Jackie mentioned that name, Roman hadn’t seemed like himself. He’d seemed small - and he was, but he usually didn’t seem like it. He’d looked so breakable, maybe broken already. Ethan couldn't help but see that again, watching Roman’s bright green eyes as they stared fixedly at the television. Maybe it was because Roman wasn’t feeling completely better yet, or because Ethan was still worried and thinking about it.

He wondered vaguely, if his assumption was correct. It made sense - it made an incredibly large amount of sense. Except for one thing.

Ethan couldn't imagine someone hurting Roman, of all people.

Of course, Ethan couldn't imagine a lot of things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DUN DUN DUN mwahahahaha oh there is so much more pain to come y'all aren't even ready ehehehehehehehehehe.
> 
> Thanks for reading, I'm glad so many people are enjoying my story! And don't worry - Ethan's problems aren't gonna be a secret for very much longer (despite as much as he wants them to be) and everything is about to crumble around him. Sounds fun, right?
> 
> And I JUST realized that I'm posting the Thanksgiving chapters the WEEK of thanksgiving holy shit I'm good at this (I guess?)
> 
> Love you all,
> 
> -Coby


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> augh sorry it's been a hot minute since I updated! The holiday weekend has been kicking my ass and I'm like exhausted but I have some time today before work so here's the next chapter!
> 
> Gosh, this chapter.
> 
> This freaking chapter.
> 
> Mwahahahahahaha y'all are gonna hate me so much! ^-^
> 
> WARNINGS: self-deprecation, self-hatred, injuries, car accident, hospital, eating disorder, food mentions, mentions of PTSD, feeling guilty, blaming oneself for things, etc. just a lotta angst. ehehehehe.
> 
> Enjoy!

“You missed me, huh?” Ethan smiled, holding Pathos up to look at her tiny face. She flicked her tongue slightly and he laughed, shaking his head. 

Everything had been awkward at the house today, and he was glad to have the excuse of feeding the animals to leave it for just a little while. Jackie and Megan were perfectly civil - maybe a little more subdued. Roman seemed like himself, but Ethan couldn't stop wondering if he was faking it, or remembering the look on his face when he heard the name ‘Patton’. Ethan was just anxious, not wanting to do anything or say anything wrong in fear of the conclusion he’d come to. It was like a shadow fell over the entire house, and he wasn’t sure what to do to light it up again.

Ethan hummed subconsciously to himself and Pathos, putting her away and continuing to feed them. He’d be glad to have Toby when they got the new animals, but for now only one of them was really needed for the job at a time. 

He wasn’t sure when he started singing, but he found himself replaying the day in the garden with Roman, singing Disney songs to himself as he put the food away in its respective places.

He turned and froze, finding he’d had an audience for who knows how long.

Sarah was leaned against the doorframe, an intrigued look on her face. Ethan flushed, looking away.

“Oh, sorry. I thought no one else was here.” he laughed nervously. “I was just doing their daily check…”

“I knew you’d be here, don’t worry.” Sarah smiled.

“Oh.” Ethan frowned. “Did… did you need to talk to me?”

“Yeah, actually.” she walked over, looking into Pathos’s tank with a small smile. “You aren’t a very good singer.”

“Thanks.” Ethan rolled his eyes.

“Anyway,” Sarah straightened, brushing hair behind her ear. “I wanted to see how you were doing - you’ve seemed more tired than usual, lately.”

“Oh,” Ethan was taken aback, and he flushed slightly. “Um, I’m doing alright. I mean… I’ve been working with the designers to make sure the reptile halls are safe, and I’ve been getting out and about more, as well…” he trailed off, unsure of how Sarah would react to his relationship situation. “Why?”

“Toby was worried about you.” Sarah finally confessed. “He’s around you more than I am, anyway. But you do seem worn out.”

“Toby…” Ethan shook his head. “I’m fine, Sarah. Really. Just have a lot going on.”

“Okay.” Sarah nodded, putting a hand on his shoulder. Ethan jumped slightly, not expecting it. Spending the past few days with his boyfriends had made him forget that the rigid rules of consent they followed - which he now understood - were not standard. “Oh, sorry.”

“Just surprised me.” Ethan laughed, running a hand through his hair. “You need anything else before I lock up?”

“Take Saturday off, I’ll check the reptiles for you.” Sarah said. “Get some rest, okay?”

“Right.” Ethan nodded. “Sure, whatever you say, boss.” Sarah rolled her eyes.

“I’ll lock up, you go home.” she smiled. “Happy Thanksgiving, Ethan.”

“Yeah, ditto to you.” Ethan grabbed his bag. “See you next week.” she nodded, and Ethan left, already lost in his thoughts once again. Most of them around what Sarah had just said.

Today was Thanksgiving - and it had been awful trying not to eat too much. He tried to be as polite as possible, refusing sweets and various snacks they’d had out all day. Had that contributed to the awkwardness he felt? God, he hoped not. He didn’t want to make any of the guys upset at him.

Ethan chewed his lip anxiously, letting himself zone out despite the darkness as he walked the now-familiar path from work to the house. 

He must have zoned out too much, though, because when he came back to himself it was caused by a car horn blaring. His head snapped up too late to run out of the way completely, and he found himself on the asphalt, a sickening crack echoed in his ears, dots peppering his vision as the jeep skidded to a halt.

“Gurl, what is wrong with you?”

Oh, great.

Ethan sat up, wincing at the gravel in his hands and the sharp pain in his left arm. Once he noticed it, the pain seemed to crawl through the entire left side of his body. 

“Don’t- babes, sit still before you kill yourself!” Remy grabbed him, making Ethan stop trying to stand up. Ethan glared at him unhappily. “What are you doing?”

“What are….” Ethan winced, closing his eyes against the pain. “Gah - ow.”

“Just don’t move.” Remy sighed, pulling out his phone. Ethan obeyed despite his desire to not be around this guy. If Remy didn’t like him before, he sure as heck thought Ethan was a dumbass, now. He didn’t mean to get so zoned out.

“Who are you calling?” Ethan muttered.

“Um, an ambu-”

“No!” Ethan’s eyes widened and he moved again, hissing in pain. “I can’t afford a fucking ambulance, Remy! Are you insane? I’m fine.”

“I just hit you with my car - I don’t think you’re fine!” Remy’s voice shook slightly and Ethan stared at him. To his shock, a tear rolled out from under Remy’s sunglasses, only visible in the shine of Remy’s headlights.

“Wh- It's not like I died, Remy.” Ethan went to touch his shoulder, then hated himself for trying to move his left arm. “Ow. Fuck… that… hurts…”

“I’m calling an ambulance.” Remy declared. “I’m not gonna try and move you - that’d be a stupid thing to do.” Ethan scowled, blinking back tears as pain throbbed in his shoulder and elbow. “Don’t move again.”

“I’m not stupid.”

“You walked right in front of my car and didn’t notice.” Remy retorted, then turned away as someone answered his call. “Yeah, hi. Um, a friend of mine just got hit by a car - yeah, he’s conscious. Um… mine. It was an accident, obviously.” 

Ethan raised an eyebrow at Remy’s use of the word ‘friend’ but stayed silent as Remy rattled off their location. After a moment, he hung up and sighed, running a hand down his face.

“Virgil is going to rip out my intestines and burn them.” he groaned, looking over at Ethan’s pained expression. “Why’d you go and do a stupid thing like walk into the road?”

“I was…” Ethan sighed. “I just spaced out, okay. No one ever drives down here at this time, anyway. What were you doing?”

“On my way to see my boys for the holiday, of course.” Remy scoffed. “I should call-”

“N-no!” Ethan’s eyes widened and Remy frowned.

“Why?”

“Th…” Ethan shook his head and grimaced at the pain it brought. “I don’t need to worry them, alright?”

“Gurl, your arm is broken.” Remy snapped. “I think your leg might be, too. They’re gonna find out.”

Ethan bit his lip, hating the fact that Remy was correct. 

“Ugh, as if they needed this stress too.” he muttered as Remy dialed Logan’s number. Remy didn’t respond.

“Hey, Logan-Berry.” he said, voice shaking, and Ethan realized he was close to tears. A siren approached, and Remy winced. “Um - so y’know your guys’s snake boyfriend?” Ethan rolled his eyes. “I - god don’t hate me - a car hit him.”

The ambulance screeched to a halt on the road, and Ethan couldn't hear the rest of Remy’s conversation with Logan.

Paramedics hurried over, and Ethan blacked out from the pain as they carefully maneuvered him onto a gurney. This was not his lucky day.

* * *

Ethan scowled over at his companion, even though he knew none of this was Remy’s fault. Remy glanced up, then looked away when he met Ethan’s gaze.

“I’m never gonna get out of debt.” Ethan sighed, head flopping back onto the pillow.

“God - forget about that for a second!” Remy burst out. “You could have died - are you insane? You’re lucky your knee was sprained and not shattered, you know!” 

Ethan just rolled his eyes. He was uncomfortable. For one reason, he couldn't have his comforting leather jacket on right now. Another reason, his entire left arm was in a cast and sling, and everything hurt.

“You could have just driven me here, or something!” Ethan said, unable to let go of the fact Remy called an ambulance anyway. 

“And risk killing you the rest of the way?” Remy stared at him with bloodshot eyes and Ethan winced, feeling guilty. “Your boyfriends are already going to bury me alive, do you have any idea what Logan would do if I moved you without knowing your injuries?”

“Okay, fine, whatever.” Ethan muttered. 

“You are insane.” Remy said unhappily, looking up as the door opened. Ethan followed his gaze, then looked up at the ceiling when he saw the three men hurrying inside. 

“What happened?” it wasn’t Virgil’s voice filled with anger, or Logan’s, but Roman’s. Ethan didn't think he’d ever heard Roman be angry at all, before.

“Ro, I’m sorry, I-”

“I walked into traffic,” Ethan muttered, covering his eyes with his right hand. “Because I’m a fucking idiot. And it's not Remy’s fault. God, stop blaming yourself for one minute!”

“Oh, okay,” Remy said sarcastically. “Everything’s fine, I just hit my best friends boyfriend with a car, that’s all!”

“Okay, calm down.” Virgil demanded. “Here - Remy, let’s take a walk. Ethan, If you try to move, I will destroy you. We’ll be back.”

Ethan lifted his hand to watch as Remy trailed out behind Virgil, leaving him alone with Logan and Roman.

“It's not his fault.” Ethan muttered again, watching as they walked over to his side. “I’m just stupid, okay? Sorry for being such…”

“Just don’t say anything.” Roman said softly, sitting with his head in his hands. “Please.”

Ethan fell silent, throat tightening miserably. 

“You should be alright,” Logan said. “We spoke to your doctor outside - he says you are fortunate. You’ll have to stay off your feet for a week or so…” he trailed off, looking at Ethan as he seemed to fully take in his appearance. “That was all he told us. He had more he wanted to discuss with you.”

Ethan sighed, putting his hand over his eyes again. 

He knew he looked awful - there was a reason he didn’t wear short sleeves. The incident that caused scars on his face had injured his right shoulder chest and arm - and those scars were more warped and twisted than the ones on his face. Not only that, but he was bruised from hitting the road. God, he just wanted his jacket back.

The three of them sat in silence, but Ethan didn’t really mind. He couldn't help remembering the last time he’d been in the ER, alone as he slowly recovered from the burns until he could check himself out and go home to finish working on recovery. That silence had been different. Cold, isolating. He’d hated it. This, it wasn’t really silence. He could hear Roman and Logan breathing, interrupted by a sniffle or two and the shuffle as Logan pulled the other chair over and sat down.

Logan was right, Ethan admitted to himself. He was lucky. His arm had only broken in one place, the pain in his shoulder caused by being dislocated. He didn’t need surgery, just a few X-rays and the cast. 

They stayed there in silence until voices approached. Two familiar ones.

“I don’t want a fucking latte right now.”

“Just drink it.” Virgil sighed, irritated. “Unless you want it to go to waste - because I have my own.”

“Don’t be upset at him.” Ethan whispered softly, putting his hand down and looking over at Roman, who was staring at the floor.

“Oh, fuck off if you think I’m going back in there right now.” Remy’s voice said at the door. 

His voice was hoarse, and he’d obviously been crying once again. Crying over Ethan, or over how Roman would react to what happened? Ethan wasn’t sure, but he could guess it wasn’t about him. 

“Ugh, what are you thinking you’re gonna do then? Pout out here forever?”

“Yes. Exactly, babes. You get me.”

“God, fine. Do whatever you want, then.” Virgil stepped inside, eyebrows raised at the sight of them all sitting there silently. “What a riveting conversation.”

“It wasn’t his fault.” Ethan said again, unable to find anything else he was willing to voice. Virgil looked at him, gaze softening. 

“I know,” he promised, leaning on the end of Ethan’s bed. “You really gotta stop spacing out like that.” Ethan winced.

“Yeah…” he said softly.

“Doctor been here yet?” Virgil glanced at Logan, who shook his head, letting out a slow breath.

“Not quite - but holidays are always busier nights.” he acknowledged. “Ethan is in no immediate danger.”

God, that was right. It was a holiday. Ethan closed his eyes, guilt twisting inside him. He just had to be a dumbass during all the other stuff going on. Roman’s mother was supposed to get to the airport sometime tonight, Logan’s parents were still here presumably at the house, and everything had been stressful and awful for over a day now. What great fucking timing. 

“Yeah, but Thanksgiving?” Virgil sounded doubtful. “What dangerous things do people do on Thanksgiving?”

“Okay…” Logan grudgingly admitted. “There are some things, though. Maybe unknown allergies. Or family feuds.”

“Whatever.” Virgil shook his head. “I just think if there’s stuff he needs to tell Ethan, he shou-”

“Well look at this little gathering!” a new voice entered, and Ethan opened his eyes to see the doctor that had helped with his cast walk over. His name was Dr. Carson or something. He nodded to the others, then turned to Ethan. “Pain meds working?”

“A bit.” Ethan resisted the urge to shrug, compromising by using only his right shoulder. “What’s up?”

“How confidential do you want things?” Dr. Carson asked, glancing around. Virgil frowned.

“We’re his boyfriends, don’t we get to-”

“I’m not gonna make you guys leave.” Ethan rolled his eyes. “Give me some credit.”

“You walked in front of a car.”

“I didn’t say a lot of credit. Just some.” Ethan looked back at Dr. Carson, who nodded.

“Alright, if you’re sure.” he glanced at the clipboard in his hands. Ethan felt nervous, even though he was sure nothing was super wrong. Just some bruising, he was sure. “You were lucky,” Dr. Carson finally said. “The injuries you gained from this accident are the least of your problems, though.”

“What are you talking about?” Ethan scowled. “I don’t have any other problems.” Dr. Carson looked at him, head tilted slightly, and Ethan frowned. “What?”

“Ethan… you’re underweight.” he turned the clipboard around and handed it to Ethan. Ethan looked at the numbers, not quite understanding most of them. “Dangerously so. Someone your age and height should weigh over a hundred sixty pounds - and you weigh less than a hundred.”

“What?” Virgil asked incredulously, turning to stare at Ethan. Once again, Ethan ached for his jacket, the bulkiness of it concealing his size.

Ethan handed the clipboard back, not sure what to say. What did they want him to say? He was trying… he was just trying to lose a few pounds, it’s not that big of a deal. 

The numbers Dr. Carson gave him swam through Ethan’s head, and he leaned back against the pillows, silent.

“Malnourishment is also the cause of you ‘spacing out’ so often,” Dr. Carson said gently, using air quotes around the phrase. “Virgil was saying you did it a lot the past few weeks.”

“I-I mean…” Ethan struggled to find something to say. That didn’t make any sense. He was hardly skinny - he never had been. How could he suddenly have such a problem?

“...Ethan,” Roman finally met Ethan’s eyes. 

Ethan grit his teeth, silently cursing himself. Why was he doing this to them all? Why did they even care? They didn’t need this - they didn’t need any of this.

“We’re going to let you go home tonight,” Dr. Carson said after a few minutes of silence. “But we’re scheduling some appointments for you to come back and check on your injuries, and others for your weight. If you start gaining and eating healthy, that’ll be all we need to do.” 

“Right.” Ethan mumbled, running his good hand agitatedly through his hair. “Okay. anything else?”

“Just… take care of yourself.” Dr. Carson smiled sadly. “You three, too. A few feet slower, and your friend would have a lot more to be upset about tonight.”

“Right.” Ethan said softly, looking away.

“We’ll bring you all some food - Thanksgiving tradition - and you should be alright to leave after another checkup to be sure of things. No using that leg, though, alright?” Ethan nodded, and Dr. Carson walked out, looking down at the clipboard once again.

Once he left, Ethan forced himself to look up at his boyfriends, blinking back tears at their various heartbroken expressions.

“I-I’m sorry…” he managed softly. 

“That was a lot.” Virgil took a deep breath, shaking his head. “It’s okay. We’re okay. We can talk about… about this tomorrow, once things have settled down a bit. Right?”

“Ethan I love you.” Roman leaned forward, burying his face in his hands again. “Y-you know that, right?”

“Um, I guess so.” Ethan swallowed. “I hope so.”

“We all do.” Logan murmured. 

Ethan looked away, tears burning his eyes. He didn’t like crying in front of people - he didn’t like crying at all, really. But crying in front of people was so much worse. 

“Awe, Ethan…” Virgil moved to the side of the bed, gently taking Ethan’s good hand. That was the breaking point, and a soft sob pushed from between Ethan’s lips. The floodgate opened, and he cried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof. I warned y'all. I warned ya. Shits going down and it's just gonna get worse from here. I will not apologize.
> 
> Thanks for reading, you guys are all so freaking sweet and I'm so happy you like my writing!
> 
> Love you all,
> 
> -Coby


	8. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey'all! Who's ready for another chapter?! lol sorry I'm in a weird mood. not much to say... can't think thoughts. 0-0
> 
> WARNINGS: injuries, PTSD, nightmare mention, food mentions, eating disorder, concussion mention, injury mention, swearing, sexual jokes (all in good fun)
> 
> YEE

Ethan couldn't sleep. Partly due to the dull ache that had returned to his shoulder and ribcage, partly because of the guilt and unhappy thoughts spinning around inside his head. 

To be perfectly honest, though, he wasn’t sure either man beside him was really sleeping either. They were still, yeah, Logan’s arms wrapped protectively around Ethan - careful not to rest on any bruises. Ethan had worried they’d make him sleep in the extra bed out of concern, but he was thankful that it wasn’t suggested when they got home impossibly late/early, having gone to get Roman’s mother from the airport after leaving the hospital.

Remy hadn’t met Ethan’s gaze when they left, mumbling another apology and shoving a bag of gift shop merch at him, and he’d not put his sunglasses back on by the time they parted in the parking lot. Ethan wondered if he blamed his aesthetic as well, now, as he’d been wearing them while driving in the dark. It's not like Ethan was trying to be seen, though. He’d been wearing all black, and he’d let himself tune out the world. 

Roman’s mother was a sweetheart, she looked just like him only slightly taller. Another day, Ethan may have teased his boyfriend about that, but not now. Not after everything that happened that week. Ethan sighed, shifting slightly to try and ease the throbbing of his shoulder, and it worked marginally. It probably wouldn’t hurt as much if he lay on his back, but there was no way in hell he was going to move and make Logan think he had to take his arms away.

The heavy silence surrounding them, as they all pretended to sleep, was broken in the early hours of the day by noises from the next room, which was Roman’s. Ethan opened his eyes when Virgil got up, scrambling out of the blankets.

“Vee?”

“Be back maybe,” Virgil said, stumbling through the dark to the door, and leaving. Ethan frowned, staying silent as he listened through the walls as Virgil started talking softly in the other room, and Roman’s voice finally escalated to a panicked shout, before falling silent.

“A nightmare.” Logan hummed softly, kissing the top of Ethan's head. Ethan nodded, cuddling a bit closer as he wondered if it was his fault. “It's been some time since he’s had one.”

“He’ll be alright?”

“Of course.”

They fell silent, listening to Virgil’s soothing voice through the wall for a few minutes until - to Ethan’s surprise - they both entered the big bedroom.

“You guys asleep?” Virgil asked softly.

“No.” Logan hummed, moving one arm from around Ethan to sit up and look at them. “Roman?”

“Just… takin’ the other bed.” Roman mumbled, and Ethan heard the bed across the room creak slightly. “Sorry.”

“Quite alright.” 

Logan settled down again, one hand absently playing with Ethan’s hair. Ethan closed his eyes again, trying to force himself to fall asleep. It was, as it had been for hours now, ineffective. He found his thoughts drifting again, to everything that had happened that week. 

Things changed quickly, didn’t they? A week ago everything seemed to be fine - better than fine, really. Now, well, Ethan wasn’t sure what to do now. He’d already been having trouble trying to deal with what he’d learned about his boyfriends shared past, and then he’d gotten hit by a car and everyone was worried about him. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that.

Because, really, it had never happened before.

Ethan reached up, careful not to disturb Logan, and traced the scars on the right side of his face. He knew if he voiced his thoughts or anything from his past, it would hurt them more. Everyone had their own tragic backstory, Ethan knew that, but his was a bit harsher than any of his boyfriends. They’d all shared theirs, making it almost better, relaxed, when something from their past showed up. Except, Ethan figured, Patton. But that was more recent than Roman’s brother, or anything else they’d dealt with until meeting Ethan.

Not only that, but there had been plenty of opportunities for him to say something before. Mention his family - who Ethan hadn’t spoken to since he was nineteen, and probably didn’t remember he existed, or the accident - even though it was years ago now, or the way he felt the overwhelming need to be perfect for all of them. There had been pauses in conversations, where he might have said something small, the way they did, giving a single puzzle piece at a time until they knew. But he hadn’t, and now they were here. 

Here, stressed out of their minds.

Ethan knew none of them were asleep. He could hear Roman moving on the bed, and he could tell by Logan’s and Virgil’s breathing that they were just lying there, possibly deep in thought like Ethan was. 

They had a lot to talk about, Ethan knew. He didn’t want to, he’d never wanted to. He’d never once talked about the accident after it happened except with doctors. He’d never mentioned his family, either. Why would he?

God, everything had been so much simpler before he met the three of them.

The thought made tears sting Ethan’s eyes, but he refused to open them. Goodness, where would he be if he hadn’t met them? Still doing what he always did, morbidly hoping that he’d be killed in an accident the next day. Imagining, even, being hit by a car like he had been last night.

But last night he’d run, hadn’t he? Tried to get out of the way.

He’d always told himself he wouldn’t.

“Ah - I’m not gonna get any sleep.” Virgil sat up, sighing heavily. “It’s already seven, anyway.”

“Are you sure?” Logan asked softly.

“Yeah.” Virgil stood up and stretched. “I’m gonna go make coffee or something.” Logan hummed in response and Ethan listened as Virgil got dressed for the day, quietly leaving the door slightly open. Logan sighed softly, sitting up as well, and Ethan opened his eyes.

“I suppose there’s no point in staying if we’re not going to sleep.” he reasoned. 

Ethan sighed, sitting up with a wince. Roman was sitting up - it was possible he hadn’t even laid down, as he was wrapped in blankets sitting against the wall, watching them.

“Don’t stand up.” Logan reminded him gently. Ethan made a face, glaring at his knee - which was throbbing at his sudden movements. “One moment - we should get the brace back on it.”

“Right.” Ethan sighed, watching as Logan fumbled for his glasses and stood. “Sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry for.” Logan insisted, getting the black compression brace from the desk and returning. He hesitated, letting Ethan pull up the loose leg of his sweatpants on his own - which Ethan did appreciate.

“It's fine,” Ethan promised as Logan was still awkward. “I can’t really do it myself.”

“You’re right.” Logan sighed, touching Ethan’s leg gently as he strapped the brace on, careful to make it comfortable. 

The tightness soothed the throbbing slightly, and Ethan scooted awkwardly to the edge of the bed, letting his legs hang off, but not standing. If he was alone, at his apartment after that accident, he probably wouldn’t have bothered to keep weight off his knee. So, it was probably a good thing they’d refused to let him go back there instead of stay with them as planned. Logan helped him sling his arm as well, relieving the pain in his shoulder.

“Are you alright, my love?” Roman asked, scrambling off his bed and walking over, eyes wide in concern. “Do you need any painkillers, or water, or something?”

“Nah.” Ethan shook his head, accepting his jacket from Logan with a relieved smile. It only fit over his good arm, but he draped the other side around his shoulder anyway. “I’m really alright, I swear.”

“Just tell us if you need something,” Logan said, meeting Ethan’s gaze. Ethan blinked in surprise but nodded. “I mean it.”

“I- yeah, okay.” Ethan forced a laugh. “I’m not just gonna sit here and suffer in silence.” Wow, that was a heck of a lie right there. 

Logan nodded, then held out an arm to loop around Ethan’s back and shoulders. Ethan stood on his right foot, wincing slightly as Logan’s hand brushed the bruise on his back. It couldn't be avoided, so he didn’t voice the discomfort.

“Couch duty today, I guess.” Ethan laughed softly as he hobbled out to the living room with them. “How long did he say this was gonna be, again?”

“At least three days,” Logan replied, amused. “Preferably more, depending on your lifestyle. And as the museum is moving at the moment, and you are mostly there to plan and care for the animals, I’d say you can take a few more.” 

“Right.” Ethan forced a grin. “Guess I’ll just sit and read about snakes till I can walk, then.” Logan laughed softly, then paused at the bathroom door, glancing at Ethan. “Ugh, this is gonna be the worst. I forgot about basic human needs.” Ethan complained, grabbing the doorframe. 

“I’ll go help Vee with breakfast.” Roman decided, eyeing the small bathroom. 

Ethan nodded absently, attempting to maneuver himself with one leg and arm toward the toilet. Unfortunately, that was harder than he thought it was going to be. God, this was the worst. They were definitely going to be sick of him before the next few days were up. He turned to Logan, not meeting his eyes as his face flushed in embarrassment. Logan just murmured a few words of comfort, helping him across the tile floor before stepping out to give him privacy. 

By the time they made it to the living room, where Ethan was glad to sit on something comfortable, Virgil and Roman had been joined by Roman’s mother - who Ethan could not remember the name of. They were talking softly, a cup of coffee in Virgil’s hand and one that was probably eggnog in Romans. 

“Now breakfast,” Logan said, making sure Ethan was comfortable. Ethan rolled his eyes at this, swatting his hands away.

“I’m fine - geez, I said I’d tell you if I needed help.” he insisted. Logan smiled, holding his hands up in surrender. “...thanks,” Ethan mumbled, softer than before. 

“We’ve got a lot of leftover pie,” Virgil said, speaking louder so they could all hear. “And I think we have some cereal - what do you want, Ethan?” 

Ethan grimaced. Right. Food. He’d tried to establish himself as ‘not really a breakfast guy’ as he got closer to them, giving himself the excuse to not eat breakfast. Now, as he was apparently malnourished, they were going to be pushy about it.

He still couldn't quite wrap his head around what Dr. Carson had said. What the numbers had said. The way his boyfriend's eyes had widened as they helped him into pajamas - seeing him shirtless for the first time. He wasn’t skinny. He never had been. Ethan glanced down at himself, tracing the outline of scars through his shirt even though he couldn't see them. He could feel them, though… or was that his ribcage? He shook his head, too tired from a sleepless night to bother wondering.

“Ethan?”

“Sorry,” Ethan looked back up, forcing a tired smile. “I don’t know, I’m not really-”

“Not a breakfast guy.” Virgil finished for him, nodding. “We’ll do pie, then. Not exclusively a breakfast food.” Ethan found no way around that and nodded. He knew they wouldn’t believe it when he said he wasn’t hungry - especially not after last night.

He had to admit, though, the pie Jackie had made was pretty delicious.

* * *

Ethan was officially bored.

He’d known it was bound to happen, but it was still infuriating. He’d been sitting on the same couch for so freaking long - and Logan and Roman had been dragged out Black Friday shopping with their respective parents. Virgil was with him, of course, they refused to just leave him alone ‘to die’ as Ethan regretted dramatically putting it earlier.

He found himself staring unhappily up at the bookcase, across the room from himself and skimming the titles and authors when a section of them caught his eye.

He knew Roman was an author. Roman was always writing, talking about his most recent project, or a someone he’d met at the bookstore, or bouncing ideas off of them. It just hadn’t fully sunk in that his boyfriend had published six books - four of them fantasy novels, and two realistic fiction.

“Hey.” Ethan tossed a pillow at Virgil, who looked up from his phone in surprise.

“Fuck - did you say something and I didn’t hear?”

“No,” Ethan shrugged with his good shoulder. “I just wanted to throw a pillow at you. But I do need something.”

“What’s up?” Virgil stood, putting his phone in his pocket. 

“One of those books.” Ethan gestured best he could, trying to specify the shelf of Roman’s. But from Virgil's perspective, he knew it looked like the entire wall of shelves. “The- god, Roman’s. I’m gonna read them because I’m so bored my mind has gotten tired of eating itself.” Virgil laughed, walking to the shelf.

“Which one do you want?” he asked, glancing over.

“I dunno…” Ethan winced guiltily. He had never been an avid reader, not fiction at least. But maybe he should have read Roman’s books earlier than this. “Which one is the best?”

“Uh…” Virgil looked back at the books. “You want your soul crushed, or you want a distraction?”

“Distraction.” Ethan decided after a moment. His ‘soul’ had taken enough beating recently. Virgil nodded, finally pulling one of the smaller books from the shelf. The front depicted the silhouette of a pair of horses - no, centaurs.

“This one should work for that.” Virgil walked over, and Ethan accepted it, flipping it over to read the description. “That one was published about a year ago - actually. He wanted it out for Christmas.”

“Thanks.” Ethan opened it, irritated that he only had one hand to use. 

“Don’t mention it.” Virgil went to sit back down, only for a knock to echo on the door. 

Ethan barely glanced up from the book, already finding himself pulled into the writing. If Roman talked with dramatic flair, making everything seem more interesting than it was, his writing was ten times as eloquent. Simple, yeah, easy to read, but… elegant. That was the word, elegant.

“I’ll be right outside for a few minutes,” Virgil said, returning. “Holler if you need me.”

“You got it.” Ethan nodded, rolling his eyes. 

Virgil left again, and he heard Remy’s voice faintly before the door closed. Ah. Of course, Remy didn’t want to be in the same room as him. That made sense, especially as Logan and Roman weren’t even there to help damage control again.

Ethan shook the thoughts away, letting Roman’s world of magic and mystery take over his mind once again. He was a good writer, it was no wonder he was so successful. God, what wasn’t Roman good at?

“Dude, are you even breathing?” Ethan was torn from the pages when Virgil spoke, standing above him. Remy was sitting at the table, staring down at it in determination, so Ethan couldn't catch his eye.

“I think so.” Ethan frowned. “Why?”

“You’ve been reading for two hours and I was starting to get worried,” Virgil explained, laughing softly. Ethan realized that, yes, he was only a few chapters away from the end of the book.

“I’m an intellectual,” Ethan said sarcastically, waving the book around. “I read for entertainment! And because I’m not allowed to watch TV for a whole day thanks to my concussion.”

“I know, I know.” Virgil laughed, rolling his eyes. “We should probably get some lunch, though. Logan and Roman got stuck in traffic, it’s almost one o'clock.” Ethan sighed, looking at the ceiling.

“I don’t mind waiting for them,” he attempted. “Eating with people you care about is-”

“Ethan, come on,” Virgil said, a hint of begging in his voice. “I know you don’t think it’s a big deal, but it is.”

“Dr. Carson said they’d be fine just with giving me appointments and shiz,” Ethan pointed out.

“No,” Virgil’s voice tightened. “He said you’d be fine if you gained weight and started eating more. The appointments monitor that. Just ask me for a sandwich or something so I don’t feel like you secretly hate me, okay?”

“Alright,” Ethan muttered, glancing at the page number before closing the book. “I don’t, by the way.”

“I know.” Virgil sighed. “But my hell brain doesn’t, and you still haven’t literally asked for something. What do you want for lunch?”

“Uh….” Ethan waved a hand, “a five-course dinner in the great hall at Hogwarts.” Virgil seemed unimpressed. “Fine. A sandwich will work - with the leftover turkey and salt and shiz.”

“Great.” Virgil turned away. “Remy, want one?”

“Well now if I refuse food I’ll feel bad,” Remy muttered, glancing quickly to Ethan, then away.

“Good. Accept it.”

“No mayo, please,” Ethan added anxiously, mentally counting up the effect the sandwich would have on his appearance. Virgil nodded, though he didn’t seem happy about it. Remy finally turned to face him, and Ethan wasn’t sure what to think. He wasn’t wearing his sunglasses, and so Ethan could clearly see that his gaze wasn’t judgemental like it always seemed to be. But it still made him nervous. Not to mention guilty, as his eyes were bloodshot from lack of sleep and/or crying.

“I uh…” Remy’s voice was softer than usual. “I’m sorry I hit you with my car…”

“Oh, really? I didn’t notice last night when you were in hysterics.” Ethan meant it to be a friendly jab - but when had he ever been good at making friends? Remy scowled.

“One of us had to be! You didn’t care, so I had to freak out. It's how that works.”

“I cared,” Ethan said, though he wasn’t sure he had, at the moment. “I just wasn’t gonna panic. And it wasn’t your fault, anyway. God.”

“Um, yeah-”

“So help me, Remy.” Virgil turned, brandishing a piece of bread. “We talked about this for like, an hour already. Did you listen to me?”

“Sure I did,” Remy said, unconvincingly. “That doesn’t mean you’re right.”

“Virgil’s always right.” Ethan scoffed sarcastically, picking up the book again. Virgil laughed.

“Yeah, Remy. I’m always right. Deal with it.”

“You’re both insane,” Remy grumbled, though Ethan glimpsed a small smile on his face when he glanced over.

“Yep.” Virgil walked over, putting a plate in front of Remy and one in front of Ethan, going back to get his own a moment later. “Now eat, because I say so.”

“Yes, sir.” Ethan joked, mimicking Virgil’s usual salute.

“Wouldn’t have guessed you were the boss in the relationship, V,” Remy muttered cheekily. Virgil flipped him off and Ethan flushed, hiding his face in his hand. God, why was Remy the way he was?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol Remy why??? and YES this is the beginning of Ethan and Remy finally becoming friends haha it's still a rough journey and tons of shit happens but yeh.
> 
> Thanks for reading!!!
> 
> Love you all,
> 
> -Coby


	9. Chapter Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it's been a hot second since I updated.... life's been shit lately but I'm finally back with another chapter! ^-^ Man, this chapter. Part of me loves it part of me hates it gaaaaah idk man just know that after this... shit's gonna go down. *evil laughter*
> 
> WARNINGS: mentions of injuries, mentions of a car accident, eating disorder, mentions of child abuse, mentions of homophobia, PTSD, self-deprecation, self-hatred, food mentions, mentions of rape/noncon, Unsympathetic Patton
> 
> Well, that looks fun, doesn't it? lmao, enjoy this.

“I told you to get some sleep, not get killed.” Sarah shook her head in disbelief. Ethan rolled his eyes.

“I didn’t get killed - I barely even got hurt. See, I can even stand up on my own stupid legs again.” Only after a week of being stuck on the couch, making his way through all of Roman’s books even when he was allowed to watch TV again.

“You know what I mean.” Sarah sighed. “Anyway, you ready to see it?”

“We could be half done if you hadn’t insisted on hearing what happened.” Ethan pouted, but nodded, trying to hide his excitement. 

The move had been finished, with him unable to help as they moved the animals. Toby had promised to be careful and promised none of the new ones or old ones had been hurt or in danger on the trip across town. So now, he was here to see the new reptile wing of the museum.

“I think you’ll be happy with it.” Sarah laughed, pushing open the door and leading Ethan inside. 

The hallway - wide enough for two whole fifth-grade field trips to occupy with elbow room - was lined with windows, like you would see at a reptile building in the zoo that showed into the carefully designed ‘habitats’. After a few hundred yards, it opened up into a large round room with the stage for live reptile shows in the center, the room was also lined by tanks and terrariums, as well as posters, plaques, labels, and pictures. One window, however, Ethan hadn’t expected.

“What’s this?” he limped over to it, grinning widely. “They can see into the lab?” the lab had been Rick’s idea - saying that as the museum was now housing a small research center for the college to use instead of the basement they’d had before. “Incredible! I’d have eaten this up as a kid…”

“I know.” Sarah laughed. “You’re weird like that.”

“I cannot wait until we reopen.” Ethan breathed, looking around in awe. “Toby was right - this is awesome. What does the rest of the museum look like?”

“Pretty similar. We got a few new pieces for the African exhibit - and ancient Egypt. It's a better layout, a bigger building, basically perfect. Right?”

“Hell yeah.” Ethan walked along the wall, beaming at the creatures that had already moved into their new places.

“You really do care about the snakes, huh?” Sarah leaned against the railing, an amused smile on her face. Ethan nodded, meeting her gaze.

“Why wouldn’t I? They’re incredible.” he reminded her. “I guess some people find it weird, but I care more about snakes than anything else.” Even himself, sometimes. 

“Anything else?” Sarah’s eyebrows raised. 

Ethan hummed, looking back down at the sleeping corn snake before him. Maybe not anything - he cared about Roman Logan and Virgil quite a bit. He opened his mouth to say so, but Sarah interrupted him.

“I really love that passion, Ethan.” 

Ethan turned to face her, eyebrow furrowed slightly at her uncharacteristically soft voice. Sarah was still watching him, expression indescribable. What the fuck?

“I mean…” Ethan laughed, stepping away to look into a tank housing brightly colored poison dart frogs. “Everyone is passionate about something.”

“You’re right,” Sarah nodded, looking away. “Sorry, uh, I just got a bit distracted. What do you think of the stage, then?”

“Oh, it’s amazing!” Ethan brightened and followed her to the stage, only for her to suddenly stop and turn around, staring at him. Ethan stared back, unsettled. 

“God, why do you only get happy about snakes?” she demanded, grabbing his shoulders. Ethan winced.

“Wh- what the hell?”

“Is that seriously the only thing you want to talk about like that?” she continued, pulling him a bit closer. “Doesn’t anything else matter to you - at all?”

“Sarah-”

“You’re so stupidly hot when you talk about snakes and I’m going to freak out if you keep being so oblivious!”

Ethan stared at her, a flush creeping up his face as he registered what she’d said. He tried to pull from her grip but didn’t want to hurt her. 

“...oblivious?” he asked unhappily, understanding creeping into his mind. They’d hardly known each other a few months ago, but he supposed he’d talked to Sarah a lot more once plans for the museum started growing.

“Yes!” Sarah sighed, letting go of his shoulders at last. “God, Ethan… you never talk about anything but snakes. Even when we talk about life in general, you always bring it back to snakes!”

“Sarah…” Ethan sighed, rubbing his forehead. “We’re coworkers. Until about a month or so ago, you were my boss.”

“I know, I’m awful.” Sarah sighed. “But I just can’t believe you really can’t tell-”

“And, I’m gay.” Ethan interrupted her, raising a hand between them. “Also an idiot, and I’ve been pretty distracted lately anyway.”

“Oh.” Sarah’s frustration seemed to deflate and she sighed. “I’m so stupid, aren’t I?”

“Hardly.” Ethan forced a smile. “And to be honest, you were right to be frustrated. I should be able to pick up on things like that, and I kinda just brushed it off as you being nice.”

“Hah, you’re sweet.” Sarah pinched the bridge of her nose, shaking her head. “But you’re right, we work together. I’m the least professional person ever, I swear.”

“You’ve met Toby.” Ethan scoffed. Sarah laughed at that, staring around the room with a small smile.

“Okay, I’m the second least professional person ever.”

“Sounds right.”

“Well sorry about all of that.” Sarah stepped back, stuffing her hands in her pockets. “That was…”

“Let’s just make a pact to agree it never happened.” Ethan held out his hand and Sarah shook it, amused.

“Deal.” They made their way out, locking the door as the museum wasn’t open again for another week. “Watch out for cars,” Sarah said, pulling on her jacket.

“My boyfriend’s picking me up,” Ethan promised. She nodded, face flushed, and walked away to her car. Ethan sighed, staring down at his cast in confusion. 

What the hell just happened? Who in their right mind would find Ethan attractive? Did she not see everything wrong with his face alone? Not only that, but why did she think it would work out in the first place? God, Ethan had no idea what to think. He was still trying to figure it out when Virgil pulled up to the curb, rolling down the window.

“Hey, snake guy. Get in,” he said with a small little smile. Ethan did, chewing on his fingernails as he mulled over his thoughts. “...what’s up?”

“Oh- nothing.” Ethan flushed at the very idea of telling Virgil what happened. Fuck, what would he even think? It was crazy. Though, Ethan was curious about what anyone would see in his appearance.

“Yeah right.” Virgil rolled his eyes. “Talk to me about it.” his voice softened. “Please.”

“About what?”

“About what you’re thinking!” Virgil sighed. “I know you’ve got thoughts bouncing around in there.” Ethan bit his lip, thinking about the honesty he envied so much about his three boyfriends. “Please just say something,” Virgil whispered as he pulled into the driveway, making no move to get out.

“Um…” Ethan flushed, looking out the window. What could he say that didn’t sound absolutely stupid? ‘Am I hot’? Goodness, Ethan never wanted that sentence to leave his mouth. “Why… did you agree to go out with me?” he finally asked. “The day at the museum.”

“Oh.” Virgil had obviously not expected that, and he sat there for a second, silent. “I dunno, why do I agree to do anything? I wanted to.”

“But why?” Ethan sighed, irritated both at the fact he asked the question and at Virgil’s answer.

“You were nice,” Virgil said slowly. “And you asked, and… I was hungry?” Ethan said nothing, just nodded. “Why?”

“It should be a little obvious.” Ethan pointed out, finally turning back to look at him. “It's not like I make a good first impression. I mean, look at me.” Virgil complied, looking from Ethan’s eyes down to his lap and up again, eyebrow quirked as Ethan blushed. “Virge!”

“You asked me to, geez.”

“I mean…” Ethan absently reached up to trace the scars on his face. “I don’t really present myself as a normal person. Remy saw that, at least.”

“What about Remy?” Virgil frowned. Ethan winced.

“He doesn’t like me. Obviously.” 

“Sure he likes you,” Virgil seemed baffled. “He literally refused a latte after the accident, Ethan. He never refuses a latte.”

“That wasn’t about me,” Ethan said. “That was because he knew you three would be upset about me. Which is fine, because I honestly don’t care, but why did you guys give me a chance before even he did? I mean… he said to my face I look dangerous.”

“You,” Virgil repeated. “Dangerous.” Ethan scowled as Virgil started to laugh, head flying back so unlike his normal laugh.

“You’re insane,” Ethan muttered, opening his door. “Forget I asked, alright?”

“Sorry, sorry…” Virgil giggled, following him to the house. “But you don’t look dangerous!”

“You attacked me the first time we met.”

“That was different,” Virgil complained. “You know we’re all protective of Roman aft- of Roman.” Ethan nodded, and he turned to Virgil before opening the door.

“That guy… hurt him,” he said softly. “Right? The one Jackie mentioned?” Virgil’s face fell, and he sighed heavily.

“Yeah. He did.” 

“When?”

“Almost three years ago now,” Virgil ran a hand through his hair. “That’s when we found out, anyway. How’d you figure it out?”

“I’m not stupid.” Ethan turned, finally opening the door and stepping in. “but I didn’t until last week.” Virgil nodded his understanding, then smirked again. “What?”

“You are not dangerous.” he snickered.

“I could be!” Ethan protested. “I just choose not to be. That’s all.”

“I cannot believe Remy said you look dangerous.”

“He doesn’t like my aesthetic.” Ethan rolled his eyes, following Virgil to the kitchen.

“What you mean,” Roman lifted a finger from where he was watching Disney. “He is incredibly jealous of your aesthetic.”

“...no he’s not.” Ethan narrowed his eyes. 

“The point is, it’s impossible to think you’d be dangerous.” Virgil grinned. “Sorry.”

“I could be very dangerous,” Ethan muttered, his amusement giving way to memories. Oh, wow. Ethan blinked a few times, surprised at the way they just popped into his head. He hadn’t thought about it that much for years now. Memories of being scorned, dared to fight back against people he cared about. Fight back as burning oil splashed onto his skin.

“Nope, sorry. Not dangerous.” Virgil shook his head. “Maybe a little salty, but I don’t think you’d ever actually fight someone.”

“Alright.” Ethan forced a soft laugh, “whatever you say, Vee.”

“What are you guys even talking about?” Roman asked, walking over as the credits to his movie played.

“Apparently Remy said Ethan looks dangerous.” Virgil shrugged, pulling a bag of chips from the cupboard and offering it to Ethan. 

Ethan shook his head, still running the memories through his head, trying to figure out why they’d decided to come back. All that had happened… what was it, nine years ago now? He hadn’t bothered to ponder his parents' actions since he graduated college and had no one there to celebrate with. Even now as they sat in his head, replaying the words and pain over and over again, it barely bothered him. Just made him sad, confused like he had been all his freaking life.

“...Ethan?” Ethan looked up, smiling apologetically. Roman’s eyebrows furrowed. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” Ethan lied, forcing himself to take a handful of the chips, still held out toward him. “I’m fine.”

* * *

Ethan never really looked at his reflection - for obvious reasons - but he couldn't help but shut himself in the bathroom after dinner to stand in front of the mirror. He stared at it unhappily, eyes skating over the scars on his face, the cast on his arm, the way his shirt seemed to hang loosely from his frame. 

Wait. What?

The last time he’d bothered to check, the shirt he was wearing now had fit perfectly - maybe a little loose but he liked it anyway. Now… Ethan wasn’t sure what to make of that discovery, and his stomach churned lightly as he wondered why eating more the past two weeks hadn’t changed a thing. Had it?

“Ethan, you okay?” Ethan didn’t answer, instead, he leaned closer to the mirror and turned his face slightly, inspecting the twisted skin. “Ethan?” the door opened, and Logan frowned into the mirror as well. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing.” Ethan sighed, stepping back. “Sorry, Lo, I’ll get out of the way.”

“I came to check on you,” Logan said, looking sheepish. “You left right after dinner, and we worried…” Oh. Ethan didn’t know what to think. The idea had crossed his mind a few times the past few weeks - but he just hadn’t been able to care enough to follow through with it.

“I just…” Ethan looked up, worried as he met Logan’s gaze. “I don’t understand why you all like me so much.” his cheeks burned, and he looked back at the mirror. Logan followed his gaze, expression falling sadly. “I’m a mess.”

“Ethan…” Logan opened his arms. “Can I hug you?” 

Ethan nodded, and Logan wrapped his arms around Ethan’s shoulders gently. He turned them both, steering Ethan away from the mirror to the hallway, and closing the door. Ethan rested his head back against Logan’s chest, feeling utterly exhausted.

“You know we care about you very much,” Logan said softly. Ethan nodded, not trusting himself to say it. “We do, Ethan. Nothing about your appearance could ever change that. Not your weight, not your clothing, and certainly not your scars.”

For some reason, Ethan realized, this was the first time his scars had actually been vocally acknowledged by any of his boyfriends. They’d kiss the ones on his face gently, but they’d kiss all over his face so that didn’t count.

“I guess I knew that…” Ethan closed his eyes and sighed. “Just hard to believe, I guess. Sorry for being like this.”

“No need to apologize.” Logan pressed a gentle kiss to his lips.

“Ew, PDA,” Virgil said obnoxiously as he walked past.

“You’re next,” Logan warned him. Virgil just laughed, ducking into the bedroom with a shake of his head.

“I really don’t like to see them,” Ethan whispered as Logan kissed the scars, and he paused. “I… I’m used to them. And I know people see them. But I just don’t like to. They just…”

“I know, dearest.” Logan held him a bit tighter. “I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing?” Ethan asked, opening his eyes again. “You didn’t put them there.” Logan shrugged. “But they don’t bother you?”

“Not really.” Logan brushed a finger across the scars that trailed down Ethan’s neck. “Not in the way you assume, at least.”

“What does that even mean?” Ethan complained softly. “How do they bother you?”

“I dislike the thought of you in pain,” Logan explained with a slightly exasperated sigh. “It has nothing to do with how I feel about you as a person, of course.”

“Oh.” 

And the memories were back. The urge to say something about what happened pressed into Ethan’s mind, and he blinked rapidly. What? Was he insane? He didn’t need to say anything - he had never once told anyone what really happened. Even at the hospital, he’d said it was an accident.

It wasn’t.

“Are you alright, dearest?” Logan asked, eyes creased with worry.

Ethan wasn’t sure what to say. He wanted to say yes, say that he was fine. Like he had earlier when these same memories had been running through his head. He was fine - really. The fact that it happened no longer bothered him. At least he didn’t want it to.

“Do you need me to let go?” Logan asked, loosening his hold. Ethan grabbed his arms with his good hand, shaking his head.

“No - no, I’m ah… I’m fine. Just thinking.” Ethan promise, forcing a small smile. Logan raised an eyebrow. Ethan sighed softly and closed his eyes once more. “It happened a long time ago.”

“Hm?”

“Some people…” Ethan spoke slowly, not wanting to mention his parents' involvement. “When I was nineteen.”

“Ethan, you don’t have to tell me,” Logan said gently. Ethan ignored him. Saying the words aloud gave him the strangest feeling ever.

“They were close-minded.” Ethan continued, holding tighter onto Logan’s arm. “And we were making frybread. I don’t think… I don’t think they meant to grab the pot, but the oil was very hot.”

“I’m sorry,” Logan said softly.

“It's okay, actually.” Ethan insisted. “I never think about it anymore, ever. I just did again today, and I don’t know why. I’ve never told anyone what actually happened.” He’d never planned to, either. But he had. “It was a long time ago.”

“You are beautiful.” Logan pressed a kiss to Ethan’s forehead, and Ethan’s eyes shot open in surprise at the statement.

No one had ever said that to him before… in his life. He’d been complimented, of course. But never on his general appearance - not really. Logan smiled down at him, Ethan winced guiltily as he saw tears in his eyes. 

“You are beautiful,” Logan said again.

“Shit.” Ethan blinked back tears, turning around so he could hug Logan back - one-armed as it was. He buried his face in Logan’s shirt, shaking his head. “Why are you so nice?”

“Why not?” Logan asked, laughing softly.

“Why not,” Ethan repeated, mulling that over. He liked that. He wasn’t sure why he did, but as he tried to figure it out, he stopped himself. Why not?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> awe what a cute sentiment.
> 
> Too bad next chapter is literally gonna destroy these bois. *maniacal laughter* I am a monster and y'know what that's fine with me. Someones gotta be.
> 
> Thanks for reading, and sorry again this chapter took so long!
> 
> Love you all,
> 
> -Coby


	10. Chapter Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kay. This is... this is a lot. get ready.
> 
> Warnings: Rape/non-con, assault, stalking, PTSD, threatening, self-deprecation, mentions of past prostitution, mentions of abusive parents, mentions of child abuse, lies, food mentions, swearing, injuries, violence, Unsympathetic Patton
> 
> lookit that list. I'd apologize... but I'm really not sorry. *evil laughter*
> 
> Enjoy this, if you can. lol.

They talked. Really talked. Not just conversations where Ethan would sit in silence, listening to all of their input. They shared what happened with Patton - the minimum details. Ethan shared small things - his lack of any previous proper relationship, his parents and siblings that hated him, his overall numbness until meeting them, the way he’d imagined himself in an accident so many times that, when it happened, he was calm and didn’t care as much as he should have.

Afterward, Ethan felt rattled. Being that open was not something he was used to, and he almost requested that Virgil drive him home and give him some time - but instead let them pull him into a movie night with pillows and snacks, some of which he indulged in.

But the next day, when he woke up still held tightly to Logan’s chest, he felt better. Better than he had in a long time. 

So, when the museum opened up again and Ethan found himself working more - Toby always having a long shift as well - he didn’t get as exhausted as he thought he would. It was nice, and it certainly helped him enjoy the new building much more than he would have been able to before their discussion.

He did spend some nights at home - he was still paying the rent, after all, and he was not ready in any way to move in completely with his boyfriends, despite all that happened. Not to say he didn’t practically live there, because he did.

“Don’t worry about us!” Roman chirped, rolling his eyes as he picked up the keys, looking at Ethan.

“I worry about everything,” Virgil muttered. 

“I…” Ethan smiled sheepishly. “I don’t have a license, Ro…”

“Awesome! I get to drive!” Roman pumped his fist in the air. 

They were going to the mall - for some sale or something - but Logan and Virgil had an important skype meeting. It had been suggested they go on a trip to Denver to speak with the people face to face, but Logan and Virgil refused immediately and set that up instead.

“We’ll be fine,” Ethan promised. “I’ll watch for cars. I’ll protect us because I can be dangerous.”

“Sure you can.” Virgil rolled his eyes, then turned back to where Logan was setting up a camera for the meeting. “Just… please stay safe.”

“You got it!” Roman bounced out of the house, Ethan laughed softly and followed him.

By the time they got to the mall, Ethan realized why they didn’t like letting Roman drive too often. He wasn’t dangerous, no, but he was reckless. It worked out in the end, but Ethan knew Virgil would have screamed several times on the ten-minute drive.

“What are you here for again?” Ethan asked, tugging at his jacket unhappily. One week till the cast came off, and he was sick of not being able to wear his jacket correctly.

“We’re here for several things.” Roman declared as they walked in. “One, pretzel bites. With cheese, because they’re amazing. Two, there’s a sale on shoes and I need new ones. Three, we’re gonna go to the bookstore.”

“Right.” Ethan chuckled, rolling his eyes slightly. Roman held out his hand and he took it. Roman started talking about something - the book he was working on, Ethan was pretty sure. Something about a shape-shifting dragon that was also a prince, and also very gay. It sounded great. He listened distractedly as they got the pretzel bites and moved toward the store Roman intended to buy from. It was adorable, and Roman was so incredibly excited and passionate when talking about it. Was this what they meant by loving hearing him talk about snakes? If so, Ethan was slightly starting to understand.

Roman abruptly stopped speaking, and Ethan looked down at him. He was paler than usual, staring straight ahead as his steps slowed, pulling back on Ethan’s hand.

“Roman?”

“Sh- let’s go to the bookstore first.” Roman turned, Ethan frowned, looking to where he had been, moments ago. The mall wasn’t very busy - the only thing down there was the shoes and another person, in his own world as he inspected one of the pairs.

“Roman, what’s wrong?” Ethan hissed, letting Roman pull him away. Roman sighed, glancing guiltily up at him.

“Th-That was… that was Patton,” he mumbled.

Oh.

OH.

Ethan’s eyes widened and he looked back toward the shoe store, anger twisting in his stomach. The urge to go back and punch Patton in the face filled him, but he didn’t let go of Roman’s hand.

“I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t know.” Roman laughed softly, reaching up to rub tears from his eyes. “I-I just… well, I know if he knew I was there he’d have to leave, because of the restraining order, but I thought he moved to Georgia, and I wasn’t ready, and it's been three fucking years and-”

“Hey,” Ethan spoke softly, opening his arms for a hug. Roman hesitated but accepted it. “It’s alright. We see him again, I’ll punch him in the face and we’ll buy your shoes.”

“No.” Roman shook his head vigorously. “Please - God, I’m pathetic. Don’t do anything, just leave him alone.” 

Ethan wasn’t sure what to think. He looked up over Roman’s shoulder to see the man had left the shoe store and had stopped in his tracks - spotting Roman from behind. Ethan narrowed his eyes, but the man just looked at them for a moment before turning and walking to the exit of the mall.

“Let’s go to the bookstore.” Ethan smiled, stepping back and extending his hand. Roman took it loosely, and the walk across the mall was a silent one.

Ethan couldn't get Patton’s face out of his head, and it was pissing him off. He forced himself to be cheerful and calm for Roman’s sake, as Roman walked through the shelves and hummed softly to himself, but it was difficult. The way Patton had looked at them made him nervous and irritated. 

“How was the mall?” Logan asked when they returned a few hours later, a new pair of shoes and two new books in Roman’s bags. 

“It was fabulous!” Roman said, grinning widely. Ethan raised an eyebrow at him and he deflated a bit, looking guilty. “Uh… we saw Patton…”

The effect, as it had been on Thanksgiving, was immediate. Roman wasn’t sick again, but both Logan and Virgil tensed up. Logan opened his arms with an invitation, and Roman gladly sank into them.

“Nothing really happened,” Roman mumbled. “He didn’t even see us, actually. We saw him and I freaked out.”

“That’s fine.” Virgil soothed, leaning on Logan’s shoulder. “Probably better. We don’t know what he’d do if he saw you.”

Ethan kept his mouth shut, staring down at the cast on his arm. Patton had seen them. He knew that, but of course he didn’t tell Roman. That would have made everything worse - and Ethan knew it. It's not like anything would happen, anyway. They all had restraining orders against Patton - they hadn’t seen him in almost three years.

Ethan looked up to find Logan watching him, brows creased with worry. Ethan forced a small smile.

“Roman’s right.” he lied softly. “I mean, I’d prefer if he’d have let me attack the guy, but…”

“Don’t want him to get hurt,” Roman mumbled, ears reddening in shame. Ethan nodded.

“I know. Sorry.”

“Ah, it's alright.” Virgil waved a hand, moving to hug Ethan after a quick murmur of consent. “You got your shoes, though. And some books.”

“Yeah!” Roman brightened, pulling from Logan’s arms to open the bags. “We got a new conspiracy one - it was only for sale for a few weeks last year and you missed it, remember? They were selling five of the last ones left!” Virgil smiled, accepting the gift. 

It was strange, Ethan figured, as the three of them all let distractions cover what had happened. He’d always been baffled at their honesty with each other, just their openness. But when it came to Patton… he knew there was a wall. For good reason, of course. The wall had windows and cracks, and he figured it was because of what Patton did that they were always so honest with how they felt. It made him feel worse for keeping secrets, but some things didn’t have to be shared.

* * *

“You remember everything?” Ethan asked, watching Toby anxiously. He couldn't do the live shows until his arm was out of it's cast in a few days, and Toby had volunteered to take his place.

“Of course I do!” Toby beamed at him. “And you’ll still be there, I’ll just be the boss! Right?”

“Right.” Ethan sighed, shaking his head. “Just… please be careful with them.”

“I know.” Toby calmed his excited movements. “Sorry, Ethan. But you know I’m always gentle when I’m holding them.” 

That was true. Ethan nodded, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

“Anyway, if I need your help I’ll be slick about it,” Toby added. “I minor in theater, you know, I can act pretty well!”

“Can you now.” Ethan laughed softly. Toby nodded.

“Yeah! I mean, I’m not amazing, but I can improv my way to getting you the mic.”

“You better hope so if you forget something important.” Ethan ruffled his hair fondly and Toby’s grin widened. “You wouldn’t want to look like an idiot.”

“I am an idiot!” Toby said cheerfully, then bent and picked Pathos up, letting her wind around his arm. “I don’t think she likes me very much.”

“At least she doesn’t hate you,” Ethan said, picking up the carrier that Daisy was stowed inside. “Come on, Mitch already brought the rest out.”

Mitch was one of the new herpetologists, fresh out of the same college degree Ethan had taken. He was quiet, too stoic to actually look like he was expressing himself. But Ethan had caught him smiling at the reptiles before, and at least Mitch remembered to lock the lab when he left. 

Toby confidently strode toward the stage, through the groups of middle schoolers who didn’t seem all that interested. Ethan walked around the back, setting Daisy’s carrier on the platform before taking a seat to watch. Ethan was known for his passion for the snakes, so he wasn’t sure what Toby would be like in the show. He’d never done it before, as he was still working on his degree.

“Hey, guys! Bet none of you really want to pay attention, right?” Toby grinned, and Ethan held back a laugh. He probably wasn’t wrong. “Well, it’s up to you if you listen or talk to your friend about what’s for lunch, but I think some of you might really like what I’m gonna teach you…”

And he was off, excitedly talking about their reptile program, how it had grown that year, and the kind of research they did with the snakes.

Ethan listened - or at least he tried to - because as he looked around, he spotted a sickeningly familiar face in the small group of teachers at the back.

Patton stared back, smiling brightly. His face seemed like it emitted sunshine, and he didn’t seem to have a care in the world. It pissed Ethan off.

He forced himself to look away, listening as Toby continued the show, letting several kids pet Pathos before gesturing to Mitch, who had taken Daisy out of the carrier and given her a few pieces of lettuce.

Ethan couldn't seem to pay attention for the rest of the day, and it drove him nuts. Even after the school kids left - taking their teachers and Patton with them - he was distracted and irritable.

“... did I do something wrong?” Toby asked as they closed up the lab for the night. Ethan stared at him.

“Huh?”

“You’ve been acting weird all afternoon,” Toby explained, avoiding his eyes. “Did I mess up, or say something wrong?”

“Oh - fuck, no Toby, you did amazing,” Ethan promised, patting his shoulder. “I’m just a mess, okay? A distracted mess.”

“Are you sure? I was trying!” Toby seemed near tears, and Ethan didn’t know what to say. Why was this so important to the kid, anyway?

“Toby… you did amazing,” he promised, turning Toby to face him. “Alright?” 

“You mean that?” Toby seemed skeptical, and Ethan nodded. 

“Where the heck did all this insecurity come from?” he asked, hugging Toby quickly before stepping back and locking the door to the lab. “You’ve always been confident at what you do.”

“I want to be like you!” Toby explained, then put a hand over his mouth, turning away with a red face. Ethan frowned.

“What?”

“You’re really cool,” Toby muttered, rubbing his arm. “And… I thought maybe we could be friends, and I know you get annoyed by me, but you’re just so good at this stuff and I want to be like you.”

“Okay.” Ethan sighed, shaking his head to try and sort out his thoughts. “Listen, just because you annoy me doesn’t mean anything. I get annoyed by a lot of stuff, and you’re just a kid.”

“I’m nineteen.” Toby protested. Ethan smiled, nodding.

“Yeah, I know.” he chuckled, walking with Toby out to the parking lot. Nineteen. That was how old he was when his family disowned him, leaving him with scars. That’s how old his younger brother would be, now that he thought about it. “But you’re still a kid. And you’re doing great for where you are. I have a master's degree in this, and you’re still working on yours. You’ll get there.”

“I just…” Toby took a deep breath, turning to face him with a determined look on his face. “I thought maybe… maybe we could be friends.”

“We are friends,” Ethan said, raising an eyebrow. Toby’s face brightened.

“We are?”

“Yeah, I mean, you really stepped up recently and I’ve gotten my head out of my ass as well.” Ethan laughed. “We’re friends, dumbass.”

“Okay.” Toby seemed bolstered by this new information. “Thanks, Ethan. See you tomorrow!”

“Yep.” Ethan laughed, waving as Toby skipped to his car, humming slightly. That kid, he was quite the character. He turned and walked toward his apartment, it was too late tonight for him to want to get Virgil to come to pick him up.

“Ethan, hm?” Ethan slowed down when someone said his name, stepping from behind a wall. His eyes widened when he saw Patton there in front of him. 

“What do you want?” he asked in disgust, good hand curling into a fist.

“How’s Roman?” Patton asked with that sunny smile on his face and his head tilted slightly to the side. “He still with Logan and Virgil?”

“Leave me alone.” Ethan moved around him, but Patton grabbed his cast and pulled him back, slamming it against the wall and pinning him there. “Hey!”

“He’s still maintaining that he’s ace?” Patton asked, eyes skating over Ethan’s face judgmentally. 

“He is.” Ethan struggled in Patton’s grip. “Let go!”

“And who’re you?” Patton asked curiously. “A friend? New boyfriend? I’d suppose you must be his boyfriend, he doesn’t hug a lot of people.” Patton scoffed slightly. “You must be something really special because they certainly aren’t dating you for your looks.” 

Ethan’s face burned, and he managed to pull his right arm free and punch Patton in the face, making him stumble back in surprise. Ah, shit.

“Roman wouldn’t be happy with you hurting me,” Patton said, a hand on his cheek.

“I don’t give a shit.” Ethan spat, turning away. “Leave me-”

Patton grabbed him from behind, pressing a hand over his mouth. Ethan struggled, heart pounding as he was pulled into the alley Patton had been waiting in.

“So they told you what I did?” Patton hummed in his ear, hand trailing over Ethan’s stomach. “They told you about how much of a monster I am, just for a silly little thing like that?”

Ethan tried to bite Patton’s hand, but he just pulled it away and then returned it, holding Ethan’s jaw closed instead.

“Bet you haven’t told them what you used to do.” Patton hummed. “You’re just a slut, right? Couldn't get anyone to actually love you, so you let them do whatever they wanted?”

What? How the hell did Patton know about that? Ethan fought free from his grip, and Patton let go, laughing softly.

“Sh-shut up!”

“What, am I wrong?” he backed Ethan up against a wall, eyes narrowed. “I don’t think I am, though. Am I? Those scars are hard to replicate.”

“You don’t know what-” Ethan gasped when Patton shut him up with a kiss, thigh rutting against Ethan’s crotch. “Stop!”

“I don’t think I will.” Patton reached up and covered his mouth again. “And do you really think they would care about you if they knew about your past? Think about it. You and I aren’t so different, and they left me in the dust.” 

Ethan scowled, driving his knee forward into Patton’s stomach. Patton’s eyes widened and he gasped, stumbling back. He actually seemed affected this time, but Ethan didn’t plan on sticking around to find out how long it would last. He barely made it two steps before Patton had grabbed him, shoving him down onto the filthy alley floor. His leg twisted, making Ethan’s knee scream in protest, but he just struggled uselessly against Patton’s hold.

“And what would they think if they found out you were talking to me?” Patton grinned, reaching into Ethan’s jeans. “Boy, I don’t know if they told you, but they don’t like me very much.”

“Stop,” Ethan mumbled against Patton’s hand, tears welling up in his eyes. “St-stop…”

But he didn’t.

Ethan stumbled into his apartment, face soaked with tears, and he locked it tightly behind him before falling to his knees next to the toilet, heaving despite not having eaten dinner - which Virgil wouldn’t be happy to hear but Ethan had other things to worry about.

Patton had given him a warning before letting him go, and Ethan didn’t know what to do.

“Stay away from them.” Patton’s sunny face had the same smile as always. “I’ll find out if you don’t, and you wouldn’t want anyone to get hurt, would you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So uh yeah that happened. Y'all probably hate me now lmao. I warned you, okay? I warned you that shit was gonna go down. This... this fic is a rollercoaster. I'm not sorry and I never will be.
> 
> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> Love you all,
> 
> -Coby


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haha y'all didn't know what you had coming last chapter. I'm not gonna apologize, either.
> 
> WARNINGS: PTSD, eating disorder, passing out, injuries, not taking care of oneself, self-deprecation, self-hatred, mentions of rape/non-con, reference to past prostitution, food mentions, unsympathetic Patton, swearing.
> 
> Have fun with this, y'all. *evil laughter*

Ethan didn’t know what he could do but listen to him. He was pissed - but he couldn't deny that Patton terrified him. So, he listened. He stopped answering calls and texts from any of them and stayed locked in his apartment when he wasn’t at work.

His cast came off, and he couldn't help but wonder that if Patton had found him a week later, he’d have had an easier time fighting him off. His leg was hurting once again due to what happened, but he could still walk, so that was fine.

With the isolation, Ethan found himself with a smaller appetite. That being a loose term, as he did get hungry sometimes, but only ate one meal a day. Lunch - as Toby insisted on sharing his.

After a few days, Virgil Logan and Roman started coming to the museum to look for him, but Ethan always ducked into the breakroom or the bathroom and waited until they were gone.

“Why are you avoiding them?” Toby asked him at last as they cleaned one of the tanks. Ethan didn’t answer, and Toby sighed heavily. “Ethan, listen to me!”

“I am listening.” Ethan looked at him. “I don’t have to tell you everything.”

“I… I guess not…” Toby looked down unhappily. “But they’re really worried about you. They- they said you might not be eating enough, and that they miss you and they don’t want you to hate them…” Ethan stared in shock as Toby blinked a few tears away. “And they don’t know why you’re suddenly ignoring them…”

“It's just the way things have to be,” Ethan muttered. “I’m not cut out for relationships - I’m not cut out for any kind of relationship. Not romantic, not platonic, I don’t even talk to my family anymore.”

“Oh.” Toby’s head snapped around and he stared at Ethan. Ethan stared back, baffled.

“Oh?” he echoed irritably. “What do you mean ‘oh’?”

“I…” Toby turned and aggressively scrubbed the tank. “I guess you really don’t know who I am.” 

“...what?” Ethan narrowed his eyes. “Sure I do. You’re Toby - the cool kid at work and the only person I haven’t screwed up my friendship with yet.”

“I’m your brother!” Toby snapped, throwing an irritated glare Ethan’s way.

Ethan’s voice died in his throat and he sat back, staring as Toby sighed unhappily, staring at the sponge in his hand.

His brother?

Ethan hadn’t seen his brother in almost nine years now. His brother was eleven - or, he had been… and he sure as hell didn’t remember his brothers' name. He’d forgotten it on purpose.

“Are… are you serious?” Ethan finally choked out a whisper.

“Yes.” Toby rubbed tears away with his arm, thankfully remembering not to touch his face with the gross glove he had on. “I didn’t know it at first, but I knew my brother likes snakes and so that’s why I’m learning about reptiles, and I knew he was Ethan but I didn’t know you were the right Ethan until I heard Sarah say your last name… and I knew you didn’t want a family, but I thought we could be friends.”

“Toby…” Ethan swallowed thickly. “I-I didn’t know.”

“Figured that out pretty quick.” Toby said softly. “Did you even remember you had a brother?”

“I remembered.” Ethan said softly. “And a sister right?”

“Yeah, but she hates me. And you, I think.” Toby bit his lip.

“I’m sorry.” Ethan didn’t know what else to say. What else could he say? Toby shook his head, slowly returning to the task at hand.

“I get it. I mean… it's not like you could really stay in contact, at all. But I just thought you’d recognize me.” Toby shook his head. “But I guess I didn’t recognize you either. So we’re even.”

“Okay.”

“You really need to talk to them, though.” Toby said a few minutes later. “Your boyfriends, I mean.” Ethan sighed, shaking his head. “Ethan, are you serious?”

“Yes, I-”

“You got kicked out and hurt for being who you are, and now you’re not even letting yourself be who you are?” Toby seemed furious. “What was even the point of all that happening? It's not like they hurt you, right?”

“Of course not!” Ethan scowled.

“Then what’s the fucking problem? You can’t just drop off the face of the earth every time you have some kind of issue!” 

“I know that,” Ethan said softly, grabbing paper towels to dry the tank as Toby finished. 

“Then call them! Text them! Hell, go to their house and see them!” Toby said, peeling off his gloves and putting them in the trash bag. “Or maybe don’t hide in the bathroom whenever they come to see you - okay? I don’t like being the buffer here and that’s what happens whenever they see me first.”

“Sorry.” Ethan sighed, smiling weakly. “I’ll figure it out, Toby. Promise.”

“Good.” Toby stood up, tying the trash bag shut. “Also, you’re obligated to buy me dinner because we’re long lost brothers who just got reunited.”

“Why do I have to pay?” Ethan complained. 

“Because you get paid way more than I do, that’s why.”

“Fair enough.”

Ethan shook his head, following Toby to the lab to lock up. It was nearly nine o’clock now, there was no way he’d have time to do anything but get him and Toby dinner before getting some sleep. But he’d think about what Toby said, anyway.

Maybe he’d text them in the morning.

But the next morning, Patton’s words rang through his head, and he sat there staring at Logan’s contact on his phone for almost an hour. He couldn't do it. He’d caused them all so much pain already, both by being their boyfriend and now by ignoring them. He didn’t know what Patton would do, but he didn’t want to find out.

Ethan spent the whole weekend in his apartment, only eating one small meal in that time before going to work on Monday morning.

When he got there, he was disappointed to see Remy leaning against the wall near the employee exit, latte in hand, sunglasses pushed back to keep his hair out of his face.

“Ethan.” Remy grabbed his arm and Ethan sighed, meeting his eyes grudgingly. “What is going on with you, babes?”

“Nothing.” Ethan lied, like he always did. Remy raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah right. You’ve been avoiding your boys for two weeks now - and all they know is what that kid who works with you tells them.”

“Toby.”

“Yeah, him. They know you’re going to work, and avoiding them even there.” Remy shook his head. “You really want to lose this?”

“Lose what?” Ethan asked irritably. 

“Them!” Remy said loudly, rolling his eyes. “God, you promised you wouldn’t hurt them, you know. You said you cared about them, so what are you doing?”

“I do care.” Ethan grit out, tears burning his eyes. “I-I don’t… I don’t want to lose them, Remy. but I-”

“They’re giving up, sweetheart.” Remy shook his head. “Not hope, not their love for ya, but they know they can’t force you to talk to them again. If you don’t do whatever the heck it is you need to do, you’re gonna lose your chance.”

Ethan said nothing, he felt exhausted, and dizzy. Remy’s scowl changed from angry to concerned in the moments he stood there, swaying slightly.

“...you’re not okay, you're too thin.” Remy realized aloud, staring down at his hand, that while clamped on Ethan’s arm showed how baggy the jacket had become once again. “Gurl, you can’t just do this to yourself! How much have you even eaten since you started avoiding them?”

“Not a lot…” Ethan mumbled, looking away guiltily. “I just… I don’t feel hungry anymore, that’s all.”

“You haven’t been going to your appointments either, have you?”

“Just to get the cast off.” Ethan tried to pull away, and to his surprise Remy let go. “I appreciate you coming to see me, Remy.”

“You have got to call them.” Remy said softly. “Or text them. Or go see them. Or at least tell me something I can tell them. And you need to eat.”

“I have to work.” Ethan turned away, then hesitated. “Tell them I’m sorry.”

“Ethan!” 

Ethan ignored Remy’s shout, closing the employee only door behind him. God, he felt so dizzy and exhausted. Dark dots were dancing in his eyes again. Maybe he should drink something.

“Hey, Ethan!” Sarah beamed over at him. “We wanted to ask what you thought about- Ethan!?”

Ethan meant to answer her - but before he could, his vision turned dark and he felt himself slam against the floor.

* * *

“If I wasn’t so glad you’re alive I’d kill you right now.” Toby informed him before anything else when Ethan woke up on the break room couch. Ethan rolled his eyes, sitting up dizzily.

“What time is it?”

“Time to eat,” Toby said, handing him a peanut butter sandwich. Ethan scowled, looking up at the clock.

“Wh- I was asleep for two hours!?”

“Yeah. Now eat this.” Toby demanded. Ethan looked at him and sighed, feeling worse than ever.

“Okay.” he grudgingly bit into the sandwich, hating the feeling of swallowing it.

“You didn’t eat anything all weekend, did you?” Toby asked sadly.

“I had a pop-tart,” Ethan said.

“That doesn’t count.” Toby buried his head in his hands. “And you didn’t talk to your boyfriends, either.”

“No, I didn’t.” Ethan sighed.

“Why?”

“I can’t, okay?”

“That’s a stupid-ass reason. What did they ever do to you?” Toby snapped.

“Nothing!” Ethan glared at him. “It's just… it doesn’t matter! I just can’t talk to them, please get off my back about it.”

“No.” Toby shook his head. “Not about this. I want you to be okay, and you’re obviously not. You obviously miss them.”

“Of course I fucking miss them!” Ethan sighed, then took another bite of the sandwich at Toby’s pointed look.

“Then why can’t you talk to them?” Toby said, voice slightly desperate. “Come on, can’t you just tell me?”

“You wouldn’t get it,” Ethan muttered.

“Oh, just like I wouldn’t get anything else you’ve been through?” Toby asked bitterly. “Just because I was eleven the last time we really talked, doesn’t mean I’m an idiot. You know I’m not an idiot. You said so.”

“This is just different.”

“Tell me anyway!”

“Fine!” Ethan buried his face in his hands, leaving the sandwich on his lap. “Okay, I’ll tell you. But I’m not going to talk to them.”

“Just stop stalling.” Toby sighed.

“It's… god,” Ethan rubbed his eyes. “Long story short, their crazy ex said if I talk to them, he’ll hurt them again. And I am not going to let that happen.”

“How do you know he was telling the truth?” Toby asked incredulously. 

“I don’t,” Ethan admitted. “But I refuse to risk it. He’s not just crazy, Tobes. He’s… he’s a jerk. And he’s violent. And he’s hurt them before, so I don’t know why he wouldn’t do it again.” Especially after what he’d done to Ethan, but Ethan didn’t mention that.

“Uh, Ethan-”

“And it's not like they’re losing very much,” Ethan added unhappily. “I mean, they barely know anything about me. I never even told them I had siblings because I thought you hated my guts. If they knew any more, they’d probably hate me as much as they hate him.”

“Ethan… you shou-”

“I’m not going to talk to them!” Ethan’s head snapped up and he froze, blood draining from his face when he saw the three people he’d been avoiding standing in the doorway with Sarah. Toby winced.

“Oh. Sarah, I thought you weren’t gonna… gonna call them.” Toby said, not meeting Ethan’s eyes.

“I didn’t,” Sarah said, shuffling awkwardly. “They showed up, and it's not like I’m gonna lie and say Ethan’s fine after he passed out like that.”

“Great.” Ethan flopped back against the couch, putting a hand over his eyes. “Awesome. Just what I fucking needed right now.”

“You talked to Patton?” Virgil spoke first.

“It's not like he gave me a choice,” Ethan muttered. “Attacked me in the dark and threatened me, it’s not like we went out for coffee or some shit.”

“He what?!”

“God, don’t yell.” Ethan let his hand drop but stared up at the ceiling to avoid looking at his boyfriends, who had moved to sit closer to him.

“...you wanna take the day off?” Sarah finally broke the tense silence. “Or like… the week? You passed out.”

“I know I passed out.” Ethan rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, he does wanna take the week off.” Toby decided.

“Wh- no I don’t!”

“You do because you love me.” Ethan looked over in time for Toby to look at him with wide puppy-dog eyes. “And because if you don’t, I’ll tie you to this couch.”

“We’re not tying anyone up!” Roman said in distress. “Ethan, why didn’t you just tell us?”

“He threatened you!” Ethan snapped. “It's not like It’s been a walk in the park to date me, hurting you is the last fucking thing I wanted to do but I knew it’d be worse if he did something.”

“He’s too much of a wimp to do anything directly.” Virgil sighed. “If he so much as talks to one of us - me, Roman, or Lo - he’d get arrested. That’s probably why he came after you instead.”

“How did he even know who you are?” Roman demanded. Ethan sighed guiltily.

“He saw us at the mall,” he muttered. “You were facing the other way, and he left after a minute. I figured it was whatever, y’know? And you didn’t want me to punch him in the face.”

“Of course I don’t!”

“And his stupid class came for a field trip.” Ethan continued. “And he saw me and then he knew where I worked. That’s all there is to it.”

“I cannot believe they’re still letting him be a teacher,” Logan muttered, then glanced to Toby, eyebrow raised. “Toby, correct?”

“Yep! Toby Lyde!”

“Guys, meet my brother who doesn’t actually hate me like I thought he did until Friday.” Ethan gestured to Toby, who sighed.

“I never claimed to hate you, dumbass. I was eleven when you left. I didn’t know what happened for years.”

“You need to get some rest and food,” Virgil said, getting to his feet. “We’re making you take the day off.”

“I did already sleep through the first two hours,” Ethan mumbled. “Not on purpose.”

“We also need to talk about all this,” Virgil added. “Can you stand, or d’you want me to carry you?”

“I…” Ethan tried to get up, but his head swam again and he winced. “Am probably gonna pass out again if I walk anywhere.”

“That a request to be carried?” Virgil asked. 

Ethan nodded, remembering how strict the three of them would be with consent and boundaries. The week he was stuck without walking, they’d asked every single time despite the obvious.

“I’ll take care of your shift,” Toby said, getting to his feet to let Virgil closer. Ethan mumbled unhappily under his breath, letting Virgil help him to his feet. “Finish your sandwich, too. I have another one.”

“Of course you do.” Ethan sighed bitterly, looking at the sandwich, though it had become a sticky mess in his hand. “Awesome.”

“I got your bag.” Roman picked up Ethan’s backpack, staggering slightly. “Wh- do you have bricks in here or something?”

“Textbooks,” Ethan explained as Virgil gave up on being a much-too-tall crutch and scooped him up bridal style. “Ah - geez, a little warning?”

“Sorry,” Virgil mumbled.

“It's fine, I just don’t want to get peanut butter all over you.” Ethan held the sandwich away from Virgil’s clothes. 

“I don’t give a shit about that and you know it,” Virgil said as they made their way to the employee exit, Logan opening the door.

Ethan felt dread curling in his stomach as they got in Virgil’s truck. Patton’s threats seemed so much more real now that they were here. He knew Patton had the guts to do what he’d threatened, as he’d been doing it to Ethan at the time. The idea of Patton being scared of the police was so weird, but Ethan hadn’t really spent a lot of time with him. He felt furious just thinking about it.

They drove in a heavy silence, and Ethan could feel everything crashing down.

All the work he’d put into becoming their boyfriend, being someone they trusted, gone. All the effort he’d put into keeping them safe these two weeks, obliterated. All the progress he’d made with his weight and eating schedule, well that was gone two weeks ago when Patton assaulted him. Worst of all, he could feel the dam of carefully constructed white lies breaking, now that they’d met the brother they didn’t know he had.

Everything was breaking, and Ethan was breaking right along with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ethan is really not having a good time, is he? Don't worry, it'll get slightly better eventually. hehehe.
> 
> Thanks for reading, y'all are so sweet!!!!
> 
> Love you all,
> 
> -Coby


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!! Sorry it's been a hot minute since I posted - the holidays have been kicking my ass. anyway, this chapter has a lotta angst and fluff and emotions in it so get ready!!!
> 
> WARNINGS: mentions of rape/non-con, PTSD, self-deprecation, self-hatred, eating disorder, mentions of violence, mentions of past prostitution, mentions of injuries, panic attack, Unsympathetic Patton, food mention, Patton gets punched in the face, ANGST, BIG TIME ANGST, and then some fluff.
> 
> lol enjoy it

“Tell us what happened,” Logan said softly as they all sat around the table on Tuesday. 

After getting back, Ethan had fallen asleep again after they made him eat lunch. Then he’d somehow managed to sleep until late, when Roman and Virgil were asleep as well, and so now was the only time they were all there.

“I already did.” Ethan said softly. “He found me, attacked me, threatened to hurt you if I talked to you. So I didn’t talk to you, and I’m sorry. That’s it.” They all seemed doubtful.

“What did he say to you?” Roman asked, voice shaking.

“I…” Ethan buried his head in his hands. “He just… I mean, he wasn’t wrong about me. I’m awful. I’ve done so many shitty things, god, it's not like he was wrong about any of it.”

“Yes he was.” Roman insisted, blinking back tears. “He was wrong about everything. You know that. I find it hard to believe you’ve done anything even close to being so awful we wouldn’t care about you anymore.”

“You don’t know,” Ethan said, eyes closed. 

“And we never will if you don’t tell us.” Virgil said gently.

“I can’t just… I’m not like the rest of you.” Ethan said, frustrated. “You’re all so open with each other, and you trust each other, and I’m not like that.”

“Yeah, we’re like that after five years and a lot of shit going down.” Virgil sighed softly. “We never used to talk to each other about anything, really. Besides, you have told us some things, and we get that you don’t like your past.”

That was true. Ethan stared down at the table, remembering the absolute terror he’d felt while giving them pieces of his past. But they did know those things, and nothing awful had happened.

“I...I’ve never felt good about myself.” he finally whispered, tears welling up in his eyes. “Ever. Whenever I meet anyone, even just as friends, there’s this voice in the back of my head telling me I’m going to screw it up, and that they’re going to hate me. I’m just so… freaking tired of being scared.” 

Ethan took a shaky breath, switching from staring at the table to the ceiling.

“I told you before that I hardly ever have any kind of relationship outside of work - and even those are difficult. This whole time I’ve just been so worried about screwing it up and… and losing you, because for some goddamn reason you actually like me, and so I’ve just been… I’ve just been trying to be my best self, but I don’t even know who the fuck I am.”

Why were they being so fucking quiet? Ethan was going to go insane. He finally forced himself to look at them, hurriedly wiping tears from his face when he saw their heartbroken expressions, though each was listening intently.

“And - god - there are so many things I’ve done that I didn’t want to do, or I had to do, or that I didn’t intend to do but I’m not ashamed of but I’d prefer if people didn’t know,” Ethan swallowed back a sob. “And he- and Patton found out about them I guess, or was just making shit up and I let it get to me, and when he said that he would hurt you if I ever talked to you again, I just…”

Ethan shook his head, burying it in his arms.

“It makes me so fucking angry and I hate it. I hate it when I get pissed off like this, but I can’t help it. And when I couldn't… He was so much stronger than me, and I couldn't do anything or get away until he decided he wanted me to…” Ethan lifted his head dejectedly. “I just didn’t want you all to get hurt.”

“God…” Roman stood suddenly, tears in his eyes. “Can I hug you?”

“I…” Ethan didn’t know what to say. What could he say? “Yeah…”

Roman hurried around the table, pulling Ethan gently to his feet and embracing him tightly, face pressed into Ethan’s chest. God, what did Ethan ever do to deserve him? Any of them? Nothing, that’s what. All he’d ever done was fail and do stupid things to feel like he had a reason to be alive. 

“I’m sorry.” Roman whispered brokenly. “I’m sorry he hurt you… I’m sorry about all of this.” Ethan frowned.

“It’s not your-”

“Well I’m sorry anyway, shut up.” Roman muttered. Ethan laughed, hugging him back gently. “I’m sorry we made you tell us, but thank you for telling us.” Roman continued, holding back sobs. 

“Ah, you didn’t make me do anything.” Ethan promised, glancing over at Logan and Virgil, unable to read their expressions.

Red hot terror started growing in Ethan’s mind again as he recalled everything he’d just told them. Well, shit. That was the most open he’d ever been with anyone in his entire life, and he had no idea what they thought about it. He pulled away, and Roman was quick to release him, wiping tears from his eyes. 

“Ethan?” Virgil was on his feet now as Ethan grabbed a chair, mind spinning with fear. 

This was new territory. Not like anything he’d dealt with. Not snakes, not a new bar to go to in order to hook up with someone, not a new friendship he’d terminate before it really began. This was completely new, and he had no idea what he was supposed to do.

“Just breathe for me,” Virgil said gently.

Ethan’s vision refused to focus, and his chest felt tight - as if he couldn't breathe. God, what the hell was happening? Not only that, but it was happening in front of all of them which was worse than if he’d been alone. Virgil’s hands gripped Ethan’s shoulders - gentle but firm, and Ethan focused in on that sensation.

“Breath,” Virgil said again, voice steady compared to Ethan’s racing thoughts. “In and out. You’ve been doing it since you were born. You got this.”

He had, hadn’t he? Ethan choked over the first few deep breaths, managing to get his breathing under control - the terror gripping his mind was another matter. 

He didn’t want to lose them. 

The thought caused burning tears to well up in his eyes, slipping down his scarred cheeks. 

“Ethan, stay with us.” Ethan opened his eyes again to meet Logan’s gaze, wide-eyed and beautiful. “Do you want to sit down?”

“Wh- I don- I c-c-an- I’m sorry.” Ethan stammered, letting Virgil help him to the couch, vision still doubled and blurred as he fought to focus on any one thing. 

“It’s okay.” someone draped a blanket around his shoulders, and one piece of Ethan’s mind seemed to rip from the terror he was feeling. 

They weren’t upset.

He held onto the thought, blinking rapidly to bring them all into focus. Logan crouched before him, his hands gentle and comforting on Ethan’s arms. Virgil was beside him, and Roman stood behind the couch with another blanket. 

“Can…” Ethan stumbled through another heavy breath. “Can we talk… about something else?”

“Of course.” Logan smiled, adjusting his glasses. “Any requests?”

“I-I…” Ethan hiccoughed, flushing bright red. “Anything else.”

“We could get Remy to come tell a story,” Roman said softly. “He always distracts me pretty well with those.”

“N-no…” Ethan shook his head guiltily. “Not him.”

He couldn't help it! Remy just made him feel worse about himself. 

“Jus- you tell one.” Ethan turned to Roman, stomach twisting worriedly. “Please?”

“I… could try?” Roman didn’t seem confident as he moved to sit on Ethan’s other side. “I’m not good at telling stories out loud. I’m better at writing them…”

“You could read one of your books,” Virgil stood, crossing to the shelf. Ethan nodded, some semblance of calm returning to him as Virgil pulled one of the books off the shelf. 

“Alright.” Roman laughed softly, then glanced at Ethan. “You want a hug, or not right now?”

“God, yes, please.” Ethan melted immediately into Roman’s arms. Roman laughed under his breath and kissed Ethan’s forehead, accepting the book from Virgil.

“Alright, but don’t wiggle around or I won’t be able to read.”

“Mkay.” Ethan closed his eyes, pushing the terror to the back of his mind, reminding himself that he was fine. They weren’t upset. They didn’t hate him, and he wasn’t going to lose them. 

Roman’s voice was soft, and he stuttered and laughed at himself as he read the book. But Ethan didn’t mind, he just focused entirely on that as his heart rate returned to what could be considered normal.

He was fine.

* * *

“What did you do?” Ethan looked up from his textbook when Roman spoke. Remy had just walked in, his usual bitchy swagger missing from the entrance.

“What makes you think I did something?” Remy asked, obviously offended.

“He’s a psychic,” Virgil announced. Ethan laughed softly, tapping his pencil anxiously on the table before him. “Also, we know you really well. What did you do?”

“...I didn’t do anything.” Remy muttered, then flopped into the chair opposite Ethan. 

Ethan looked at him in surprise, biting the inside of his lip to stay quiet. Emotions and stories had been spilling out of him lately, as if once he told them one thing he told them everything. One thing he hadn’t told was how Remy’s presence made him feel - because it was stupid. 

“Remy…” Logan’s voice offered a warning and Remy sighed, burying his face in his hands - one of which, Ethan noted, was bruised at the knuckles.

He mumbled something, but it was muffled by his hands.

“What?” Virgil asked in alarm, obviously hearing more than Ethan had.

“I punched Patton in the face!” Remy finally cried, rubbing his eyes roughly, looking at Roman guiltily. “Sorry, babes, but I just got so pissed off at his stupid little face. He sees me in Starbucks and has the freaking guts to come talk to me and ask about how you’re all doing? I mean, who does he think he is? Of course, I punched him, and now I’m banned from that Starbucks for life.”

“...it’s okay.” Roman sighed, shaking his head. “I don’t like the idea of him in pain, but he kinda deserved it.”

“He totally deserved it.” Remy snarled under his breath. “He had no fucking right to come after you all again - and especially not you!” he turned and locked eyes with Ethan, who stared back in confusion. “You didn’t even know the guy! God, I wanna punch him again, now.”

“Wh…” Ethan could feel his resolve slipping as he watched Remy’s furious face. Did he actually care about Ethan? Ethan found that incredibly unlikely - Remy had never liked him. Ever. At all. All he cared about was that Roman and the others were dating him. “Why are you upset about what happened to  _ me _ ?”

Silence. 

Ethan winced, looking back down at his book, trying to read about a snakes skeleton.

“Why’d you say it like that?” Remy finally asked. “What’s so different about you, hun?”

“You don’t like me.” Ethan sighed, rolling his eyes as he looked back up. “Remember that? How you only give a shit because you’re Roman’s best friend?”

“Ethan…” Roman’s voice broke slightly. “Wh- that isn’t true!” Ethan just watched Remy, waiting to see if he’d lie or tell the truth.

He pulled off his sunglasses, slowly folding them.

“Okay, we’ve gotta talk,” Remy said softly. “You three wanna give me a minute, here?”

“Is that okay?” Virgil looked at Ethan. Ethan nodded, exhausted. He’d obviously done something wrong, yet again. God, he was an idiot.

“It's uh… it’s time to loosen the dirt anyway.” Roman gestured for Logan and Virgil to follow him outside and they did, slowly sliding the glass door shut. Ethan wasn't sure how accurate that was in the gardening world, but it wasn't important.

Ethan remained silent, watching as Remy didn’t meet his eyes.

“You think I don’t like you.” Remy finally sighed.

“What, are you saying you do like me?” Ethan asked incredulously. “Remy… ever since you met me you’ve been dead set on proving I’m some kind of monster, or a freak. You’re not wrong to think that about me - because I’m pretty fucked up - but you’ve never once tried to just get to know me.”

“Sure I have!” Remy protested, eyes wide. “We talked for like, decades the day I met you. And we bonded over groceries!”

“You interrogated me.” Ethan shook his head. “You… I don’t know. You just… it's like your eyes rip me to pieces. I know that you see all my flaws before you see anything else. You can’t say that I’m wrong.”

“Wh- are you serious?” Remy stared at him, a magenta strand of hair falling in his eyes that he ignored. “Ethan, babes, why didn’t you freaking say anything?”

“You’re Roman’s best friend.” Ethan explained, listening idly to the muffled chatter from outside. “And to be honest, Remy, I’ve never wanted to maintain a relationship so badly before. Before I met them, I never gave a shit about myself or anyone else. But they were different… and the idea that you might say something to Roman about me made it even worse. And me telling him I didn’t like you? God, I’m not stupid!”

“I meant to me!” Remy slapped a hand to his chest, fingers splayed. “Tell me if I make you uncomfy! I can be a calm and polite person if I want to be - I’m a therapist for crying out loud!”

“God, so what,” Ethan leaned back, running his hands down his face. “You’re saying that you’ve never thought I’m a bad fit for Roman? Don’t lie, I know exactly what you think.”

“What I thought.” Remy snapped back. “That was months ago. Roman is obsessed with you, so are Logan and Virgil. I dunno why you always act so weird around me, but you sing with Roman and you watch documentaries and you talk about conspiracies with Logan and Virge. You are exactly what they need, hun. Have you ever seen Roman’s face when you go off talking about those reptiles of yours?”

“I…” Ethan swallowed thickly, breaths stuttering. 

“And, what, you think all I was really upset about on Thanksgiving is what they would think?” Remy laughed sadly. “God, you really don’t have a self-esteem at all, do you?”

“Does it look like I have a self-esteem?” Ethan gestured vaguely to himself. “I know more about snakes than I know about myself!”

“First of all,” Remy held up a finger. “That statement is hilarious. Second of all, that is incredibly depressing.” 

“Thanks.” Ethan rolled his eyes.

“Listen.” Remy took a sip of his latte. “You saved a freaking museum from going out of business just because you love snakes. You got promoted. You were on the freaking news, because you like to talk about snakes. You took it like a champ, and everyone kept talking about how freaking humble you are. You’ve done so many freaking things just to get these boys to like you, you’ve hurt yourself just because you wanted to be accepted, and you’re saying you don’t like yourself at all?”

“I don’t.” Ethan whispered brokenly.

“Why the hell not, babes?” Remy asked in exasperation. Ethan scowled. “I mean… it’s not like you're ever going to magically become a different person! Why don’t you just… I dunno, nourish what you’ve got?”

“I have no idea what you’re trying to tell me.” Ethan confessed, running a hand through his hair and then flattening it.

“It's like you have an orange tree but you wish you had an apple tree and you don’t care to even try and enjoy all your freaking oranges!”

“...that was a surprisingly good analogy,” Ethan said after a beat of silence.

“Thanks, I’m a professional.” Remy offered a watery smile. “But you’re breaking my heart here, Ethan. You really thought I hated you?”

Ethan met his gaze, fingers tapping in uncertainty. Remy stared back, one eyebrow raised.

“I kinda did.” Ethan finally said, looking down at his pencil, which had been abandoned and rolled down to the table. 

“Well, I’m sorry you thought that,” Remy said. “But I’ll try and be less bitchy around ya.”

“I appreciate it.” Ethan smiled sadly. “I’m just a sensitive mess, I suppose. You just… make me feel inferior.”

“What about me is so great?” Remy asked incredulously. “I mean, I don’t hate myself or any shit, but if I can be honest with you here - I was bitchy because I was jealous.”

“Wh- really?” Ethan stared at him. “Roman was serious when he said that?”

“I knew he’d tell you.” Remy glared playfully out the window, where Roman and Virgil were throwing dirt at each other.

“I didn’t believe him,” Ethan promised, shaking his head. “But we literally look exactly the same if we didn’t have faces, Remy. You realize that, right?”

“Terrifying, but true I suppose.” Remy shrugged. “I guess you just pull off the mysterious vibe better than I do. Might be the fact you chose something other than magenta.”

“Yellow-green and purple doesn’t scream mysterious.” Ethan reached up to tug on the colored strands. “My hair’s fried like an egg, too.”

“Ah, it's the box dye effect.” Remy decided, slipping his sunglasses back on. “Brings a whole new aura of a troubled soul.”

“I don’t have money for a hairdresser.” Ethan laughed, rolling his eyes. “I’m not a therapist like you - I’m a reptile spokesperson. Listen to how stupid that sounds, for god's sake.”

“That sounds freaking metal.” Remy protested. “Like the Lorax.”

“The Lorax is metal?”

“Okay, not metal. But you know what I mean. It sounds cool! Like you can talk to snakes or lizards or whatever.”

“Anyone can talk to snakes.” Ethan rolled his eyes, smiling. “They only talk back to some people.” Remy laughed, head flying back, and he put down his latte. 

“What people do they talk back to?” he snickered. “The spokespeople?”

“No, the crazy people.” Ethan managed to say it with a straight face, and Remy laughed again. 

“Do they…” Remy took a deep breath, regaining his composure. “Do they talk to you?”

“Not yet.” Ethan shrugged, brushing the hair out of his face. “But it's only a matter of time.”

“Right- what the fuck are they doing?” Remy stood up, staring out the window. Ethan turned, laughing as he watched Roman chasing Virgil toward the deck with a handful of mud. Logan just watched, an exhausted look on his face.

“Something fun.” Ethan stood up, closing his textbook. “Bet you’re too wimpy about dirt to join in.”

“I’m not wimpy about anything.” Remy shot back, yanking the door open. Ethan rolled his eyes but didn’t say anything as they went out to join the other three.

Something cosmic had shifted in Ethan’s universe, now. And he realized then that he didn’t really mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Patton finally got punched in the face. It was rightfully deserved, as well. Things are finally calming back down... or are they? 0-0
> 
> Thanks for reading, I really appreciate it!
> 
> Love you all,
> 
> -Coby


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ready for things to go wrong? Ready for fluff? Ready for an emotional rollercoaster? THIS CHAPTER HAS IT ALLLLLL!!!!!!!!! We may be close to the end but the bois have got a lot more to deal with before this is over. *evil laughter* I'm sure y'all are gonna murder me once I finish this tbh.
> 
> WARNINGS: PTSD, nightmares, panic attacks, food mentions, Unsympathetic Patton, self-deprecation, self-hatred, feeling guilty, injuries, not taking care of oneself, feels, basically things could be better for everyone.
> 
> Have fun!

“Dance with me!” Roman begged, holding out his hands. “You don’t have to sing if you don’t want to - please!”

“Alright, give me a second.” Ethan put his laptop to the side. “What brought on this sudden urge?”

“I’m a hopeless romantic,” Roman announced loudly, pulling him into the middle of the room, where there was more space. “I just gotta dance sometimes.”

“I told you I always would.” Ethan stumbled over his own feet, face burning slightly. “Gah - haven’t danced since my leg got all messed up.”

“Are you okay?” Roman’s eyes widened.

“Yeah, just clumsier than I was.” Ethan shook his head. “I’ll tell you if it hurts.”

“You better,” Roman said, the end of the warning melting away as he started singing one of his songs softly. Ethan recognized it, this time. But only because he’d heard Roman humming it or singing it before. It made him wonder.

“What song is this?” he finally asked as Roman guided them around the room, singing strongly. Roman broke off, face growing slightly pink.

“I… Uh, I haven’t named it yet,” he confessed.

“You wrote that?” Ethan stared at him in awe. Roman laughed.

“Don’t look so surprised, Snake guy,” he said as he spun Ethan gently, careful of his weaker leg. “You know I’m an actor turned author. What better way to combine those than to write my own song and then sing it from the rooftops?”

“The rooftops, huh?” Ethan laughed.

“Okay, so maybe I never plan on publishing any songs,” Roman muttered, rolling his eyes. “I can still sing them.”

“Yes, you can.” Ethan smiled as Roman continued, right from where he’d left the tune. 

He felt the same feeling he had in the garden - months ago - before everything had happened. He knew what Roman had been through, and he’d been through a lot himself. But the song was the same, a little stronger and more confident than before, but the same. Roman was the same, and Ethan was changed.

But Ethan didn’t mind.

“Will you sing if I ask nicely?” Roman asked, looking at him cheekily. Ethan frowned.

“I don’t know your song - and you know I’m an awful singer.”

“You don’t have to say yes.” Roman laughed lightly. “I just like watching you sing. It calms you.”

“It makes me nervous as heck because you’re watching.” Ethan countered. 

“Not if you forget I’m watching.” Roman spun them around, then brought Ethan to a halt in the same spot they’d started in. “and you don’t have to sing. I just thought I’d ask.”

“Well, I appreciate it.” Ethan laughed again, taking in Roman’s appearance once more.

He was breathless from the singing and dancing at the same time, his cheeks were pink as he grinned up at Ethan, eyes dancing as they had been moments ago. God, how could Roman change from a cute little imp to this gorgeous man in seconds?

“Can I kiss you?” Roman asked suddenly, reaching up to put a hand on the back of Ethan’s head. Ethan nodded, letting Roman pull him down into a kiss. 

God, he died right there and ascended. 

Roman kissed him deeply, somehow maintaining the border between romantic and slightly heated perfectly before stepping back, grinning even wider than before. 

“You’re blushing!” Roman laughed, reaching up to brush Ethan’s cheek. “God - they- they don’t turn red with the rest of you!”

“Oh.” Ethan flushed deeper, realizing he referred to the scars.

“Sorry, sorry.” Roman laughed apologetically. “I shouldn’t mention it but god - it makes you look so much like yourself.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means you look beautiful.” Roman declared, taking Ethan’s hands again. “Come on, I have another song I wanted to show you.”

Ethan beamed as he listened to Roman sing, and let him guide them in a dance around the living room. Careful this time not to trip on any stray sprinklers or pillows. His knee did start to throb slightly, but Ethan pushed it away so he didn’t interrupt Roman, or ruin this magical moment. They only stopped when Virgil and Logan returned from work, stopping to watch them dance from the hallway.

“Logan, Virge!” Roman cheered, ending with a dramatic dip that Ethan stumbled over, letting Roman hurry to catch him again.

“Ah, don’t stop on our accounts.” Logan laughed, walking into the kitchen as he loosened his tie slightly.

“That was the end of the song.” Roman pulled Ethan back up, that same shining smile on his face. Ethan returned it, despite the way his knee complained when he stepped on it.

He must not have hidden the wince well enough, however, as Roman’s eyes widened and he looked to Ethan’s knee.

“You’re hurting!” he scolded, tugging Ethan back to his seat on the couch. “You said you’d tell me!”

“Sorry,” Ethan mumbled, sighing in relief when the weight left his injured leg.

“Do you need an ice pack?” Virgil asked, walking over and gently feeling Ethan’s knee. Ethan rolled his eyes.

“I’m fine - besides, I’m cold enough as it is. I just haven’t danced since my knee got sprained, and it’d probably be fine by now if I didn’t hurt it again.” He’d told them about how it’d been hurting since Patton assaulted him, but he didn’t want to bring that up right now.

“Alright,” Virgil sighed in defeat. “Just chill for a while, then. Roman, don’t you dare blame yourself.”

“But-”

“Don’t,” Virgil warned, getting back to his feet. Roman sighed dramatically, slouching onto the couch next to him.

“You said you were gonna tell me.” he pouted.

“I…” Ethan ran a hand through his hair. “I didn’t want you to stop singing,” he muttered unhappily.

“That’s so sweet but also bad!” Roman complained. “Because like… AWE! But also no you gotta take care of yourself!” Ethan laughed, nodding.

“Sorry that I didn’t say anything.”

“Well, I’m sorry that-”

“If you start that apologizing chain again,” Logan warned. “I will literally go insane.”

“Sorry,” Roman told him with a grin. Logan just stared at him, mouth pressed into a thin line. Ethan rolled his eyes at both of them, leaning forward to grab the remote. “Hey!”

“I’m not getting up.” Ethan sighed dramatically. “Calm down, will ya? I may be a dumbass but I know what I’m doing.”

“Sure you do.” Virgil scoffed.

“You’re all mean.” Ethan decided, slumping back into the couch cushions again. 

“But you love us anyway.” Roman poked his face teasingly. Ethan ignored him, flipping through the documentaries on Netflix. “Awe - do we have to watch a documentary? There aren’t even any songs in them!” 

Ethan glanced over, trying to gauge if he was genuinely disappointed or if he was saying that for the sake of saying it. Roman grinned at him.

“We’re gonna learn about the mummification process,” Ethan said, turning back to the TV.

“Oh - awesome!” Roman clapped. “I was gonna do research on this for a story idea - but if I can learn about it with you guys then that’s even better!”

“Sap,” Virgil remarked fondly, stretching out on the floor with his phone.

“You love me, now shush.” Roman pulled a pillow from behind Ethan’s back and threw it at Virgil. Ethan grimaced, shifting to get comfortable again. “Oh - sorry.”

“Nah, he deserved it.” Ethan joked. Virgil made a face at them, pulling the pillow underneath his chin and looking back at his phone. Logan finally joined them, sitting on the other couch with his feet beside Virgil’s legs - stretched out across the floor.

“Virgil… must you?”

“I must.” Virgil didn’t look away. Logan sighed, shaking his head, but fell silent as he turned his attention to the documentary.

“Can I snuggle you?” Roman stage whispered into Ethan’s ear, making chills race up his spine.

“As long as you never do that again.” he laughed, opening an arm to pull Roman closer.

“No promises.” Roman settling against Ethan’s chest, warm as ever despite his signature boniness. 

Ethan couldn't help but smile and wonder for the millionth time how he’d managed to get this lucky. It was still hard to wrap his head around why any of them would like him - yet alone all three - but he had to accept that they did. It wasn’t as terrifying as he’d expected it to be.

* * *

Ethan woke up when Roman stopped breathing.

They must have fallen asleep watching TV, Ethan realized as Virgil was snoring on the floor and Logan on the couch. Roman was still snuggled into Ethan’s chest - but something was wrong. 

He twitched dramatically, breaths gasping as if he was being choked. Like he had something in his throat, or he was having an asthma attack.

“Roman?” Ethan’s heart pounded as he gently tried to see Roman’s face, or wake him up. Roman pushed away from him, still sleeping, and still not able to breathe. “Roman!”

Tears of fear filled Ethan’s eyes as he caught Roman before he could fall to the floor. Roman let out a choked sob, struggling against his hands.

Oh. fuck. He was having a nightmare. 

Ethan gently lowered Roman down, not wanting to touch him while he was like this. God, what the hell was he supposed to do?

“Eth-” Virgil’s groggy voice broke Ethan’s panic and he whirled around, looking at Virgil desperately. “Oh. shit.”

“I-I don’t know what happened.” Ethan stammered as Virgil pushed the coffee table against the wall, scooting himself to Roman’s other side. “He- I just woke up - and he’s not breathing right - and I swear to god I didn’t do anything. I-”

“Shut up,” Virgil said, as kindly as he could. “Roman, we’re right here, buddy.” Ethan’s eyebrows furrowed. ‘Buddy’? Virgil met his gaze and sighed. “Pet names,” he explained shortly. “He - Patton - Loved them. Can’t use ‘em right now.”

“O-oh.” Ethan scooted further back, pulling his legs up to his chest even though his knee hated that - and throbbed painfully.

“Roman - you waking up?”

“Vee-” Roman struggled to sit up, still gasping like he had a giant rubber band wrapped around his chest, keeping him from taking a breath. “I-I can’t- He- choking-”

“In for four,” Virgil said softly. “Hold for seven. Out for eight.” Roman did his best - but it didn’t seem like the exercise was doing anything. His eyes were glazed slightly, hands scrambling at the floor around him and his chest. 

Ethan couldn't look away, even though the sight terrified him. He pressed a hand over his mouth, not wanting to alarm Roman anymore.

Had he done something wrong by grabbing Roman so he didn’t fall? Or to try and wake him up? Or even by letting Roman fall asleep against him? Roman never fell asleep while they cuddled. Ever. He always moved away or went to his room before he did. God, Ethan had screwed this up. He’d hurt Roman - yet again. Just what he needed. Just what-

Ethan’s head snapped to the side when Logan gently touched his shoulder. Logan knelt beside him, a sad, comforting smile on his face. Roman was breathing, now. Taking in huge gasps and holding them as Virgil continued the exercise. 

“Fine.” Roman managed to whisper after a moment, leaning against the couch and covering his face. “I-I’m fine. I’m here. I’m fine. We’re fine. I’m okay…”

“Just a nightmare.” Virgil agreed gently, looking to Ethan with a watery smile. “See? Just a dream. We’re all good.”

“Jus- what?” Ethan stared at him, mind spinning. “Ro- he - Virgil, he couldn't breathe! What the hell kind of nightmare makes you stop breathing? Are you- was that- fuck, I’m so fucking sorry.” he buried his head in his hands, gripping his hair tightly.

He knew - logically - there was no way this was his fault. But the crippling sense of guilt still flooded his mind, and he hated himself. He hadn’t known what to do - he’d been dating them for almost a year and he hadn’t once bothered to ask how to handle Roman’s nightmares. He’d just let Virgil go, and stayed with Logan in bed. Why had he done that? Why hadn’t he asked? Why hadn’t he put the two stupid pieces together that letting Roman fall asleep in his arms was a bad idea?

“Ethan,” Logan spoke gently, reaching to still Ethan’s hands, which were still tugging at his hair. “You have nothing to apologize for.”

Yeah right. Ethan could have paid more attention, or he could have thought to ask about this, or he could have just… not agreed to stay with them again and locked himself in his own apartment again. Wow. Where the hell did that thought come from? Ethan knew that’d hurt them just as much or even worse.

“Are you sure Roman’s okay?” Ethan finally forced himself to ask, not looking up at them all.

“I’m perfectly fine,” Roman said softly. “A little tired, a little jumpy. But I’m really alright, Ethan. Promise.” 

“Wh- I- I didn’t know what to do,” Ethan whispered, terror gripping him. “What if Virgil wasn’t here? Or what if I made it worse - did I make it worse? Did I hurt you? Fuck, I’m so sorry I didn’t want to-”

“Ethan,” Logan spoke again, voice a little harder. “You are not to blame for Roman’s nightmares. You know that.”

“You didn’t make anything worse,” Roman promised, voice having moved closer to him. “If you let me fall, it would have been worse. I swear to god,” Roman’s voice broke slightly. “You didn’t hurt me.”

“Okay.” Ethan took a deep breath, lifting his head to look at them. Roman was still pale, and his hands still trembled a bit, but he smiled comfortingly at him.

“You want some hot chocolate, too?” Virgil asked from where he’d left to the stove. 

Ethan nodded, slowly trying to unbend his legs without hurting himself. The left one throbbed painfully, and he winced. The throbbing died down a bit when he let his leg fall straight out across the floor, and he sighed softly, rubbing tears off his face.

“We probably should have warned you about what they were like.” Roman finally said, voice soft. “Instead of just being vague and letting you freak out like that.”

“I’m not gonna make you talk about it,” Ethan muttered softly.

“Leaving you to figure it out by yourself is worse than talking about it once - maybe twice.” Logan shook his head. “We’ve not been very good at explaining things to you - about this, at least.”

“Yeah, but-”

“Enough.” Roman ran a hand through his tangled hair. “Seriously - we need to stop blaming ourselves. We all do it.”

“What happened to blaming god?” Virgil wondered, walking over with two mugs of hot chocolate. Ethan frowned.

“God? I didn’t think you all-”

“Not really.” Virgil laughed, handing him a mug. Ethan took it carefully. 

“He won’t be offended because he doesn’t exist,” Logan explained with a small little smile. The other two chuckled as if it was an inside joke of some kind Ethan hadn’t learned about yet. “The point is, we cannot change what happened. So, there is no reason to punish anyone for something that ended well.”

“I guess.” Ethan stared down at the hot chocolate, still trying to wrap his mind around it “S-so… does - is - does that happen every… every time?” he looked over at Roman. “You can’t… you stop breathing like that?”

“Not every time.” Roman frowned unhappily. “A lot of the time, though. It depends on what the dream was.” Ethan nodded uncertainly and Roman sighed, sitting up against the couch a little taller. “A lot of the dreams are the same.” he finally muttered. “I’ve had them over and over for years. Some of the ones I’ve had that long, they end up like that. Some of them just scare me. Some of them result in me not knowing where I am or what point in my life I’m at. With these nightmares…” he sighed, looking at Logan helplessly. Logan cleared his throat.

“Roman’s nightmares aren’t regular nightmares,” he explained. “Not quite night terrors - as he recalls them vividly - but nearly impossible to wake him from. More real, as well. Touching someone in such a state will only cause them more distress, as sensations from the real world become part of the dream as he wakes up.”

“Okay…” Ethan sighed softly, making sure he paid attention and filed the info away in his head.

“I wake myself up with the fear,” Roman added. “And when people talk - like Virgil did - and don’t touch me, it helps me remember… where I am. What’s going on. Especially voices I know, like yours and Logans and Virgils.”

“Okay.” Ethan rubbed his eyes, then finally took a sip of the hot cocoa. “Sorry - that sounds fucking awful.”

“It is.” Roman laughed lightly. “But it's something I can handle. I mean, I kinda have to - I’ve had those kinds of dreams since Remus passed away - they just got worse after all the stupid shit that happened.”

“Damn.” Virgil scowled at the ground. “I just wanna deck everyone that ever hurt you in the face and throw them-”

“Vee.” Roman kicked him gently. “Please.”

“Fine. fine.” Virgil pressed his lips together, leaning on Logan’s shoulder.

Ethan glanced from Virgil - grey eyes dark and angry, to Roman - who was staring down at his pajama pants patterned with tiny crowns. 

Everyone, huh? So not just Patton.

Ethan couldn't help but feel the same as Virgil, realizing how many people had hurt the redhead beside him. God, how awful could humanity get?

“Look on the bright side.” Roman finally declared. “I actually managed to fall asleep on the couch again.” he chuckled softly, though Ethan could tell it was forced.

“That’s not funny,” Virgil said accusingly.

“It could be,” Roman muttered.

“Well, it’s not.” 

“Alright, alright, it’s not funny.” Roman sighed, setting his mug to the side, then he scowled. “That- Ethan, that’s really swollen.” Ethan glanced at his knee, a bright red under the hem of his basketball shorts.

“It’s fine.” Ethan lied despite himself as his knee throbbed angrily again. Well fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ethan you dumbass you should take care of yourself! ah, I'll leave the scolding for the next chapter. cuz boy. Ethan gets some truths handed to him. *maniacal grin* Things are about to get rocky again, boys! buckle up!
> 
> I'm a monster, aren't I? oh well! go big or go home amiright?
> 
> Love you all,
> 
> -Coby


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who Is Ready For Another Rollercoaster Of Emotions??? *evil laughter* I am a bad person.
> 
> WARNINGS: Injuries, doctors' office, probably inaccurate medical stuff, arguments, Unsympathetic Patton, mentions of assault, not taking care of oneself, self-deprecation, self-hatred, eating disorder, food mentions.
> 
> None of you are ready. None of you.

“That has to have been hurting more than you told us,” Virgil said unhappily as he watched Dr. Carson gently examine it. Ethan used the word ‘gently’ as a general term, as every movement made it hurt worse than before.

“This doesn’t make sense,” Ethan complained, glaring at his knee- still swollen even though it had been under an ice-pack for an hour now. “They x-rayed it after the accident, and it was just a sprain. I thought it just got bugged again when I… hit it on the wall a few weeks ago.”

“You mean when Patton attacked you.” Virgil narrowed his eyes. Dr. Carson raised his eyebrows.

“You were attacked?”

“Thanks a lot,” Ethan muttered. Virgil shrugged. “Um… yes.”

“Ethan, you have to start showing up for your appointments.” Dr. Carson shook his head. “When did this happen? What is going on with you?” 

Ethan sighed, hanging his head. He was silently grateful that Logan and Roman hadn’t accompanied them here, because there was no way in hell he was going to talk about what Patton did in front of Roman. He didn’t really want to in front of Virgil, but he wasn’t about to make Virgil leave. That’d just make Virgil more anxious.

“It happened a few weeks after the accident.” he finally muttered. “Right before I got my cast off my arm. Some guy -” Virgil raised an eyebrow. “Some guy,” Ethan said again, looking away. “Attacked me near my work. He twisted my knee when he pinned me down, but I could still walk on it, so I thought it was fine.”

“That explains it.” Dr. Carson looked down at Ethan’s knee again, shaking his head. “Your knee has been fragile since the accident, of course. But you were lucky enough to only have a second-degree sprain. Now, though…”

“What is it?” Virgil asked sharply as Dr. Carson sat back from Ethan’s leg. 

“Well, it looks like you tore a ligament and then walked on it for two months without thinking to get it checked,” he said, looking at Ethan with an annoyed expression. Ethan rolled his eyes.

“Okay, sorry. I’ve been having a load of shit going on, I thought it was fine.”

“He tore a ligament?!” Virgil’s eyes widened.

“Not all the way through,” Carson said soothingly. “Or there was no way Ethan would have been able to walk. Heck, I’m still surprised he managed it.”

“They made me sit down if it hurt.” Ethan gestured vaguely to Virgil. “It only swelled up like this after I twisted it around again last night. On accident - my boyfriend fell off the couch.”

“Right, well,” Dr. Carson shook his head. “We’re going to have to get that leg brace on you again to let the ligament heal. And you need to work your way up to walking on it - maybe with crutches or a cane. I can get you another prescription for the pain meds if you like, but this is really going to be up to you for the most part.”

“Awesome,” Ethan muttered unhappily.

“I mean it.” Dr. Carson snapped. “You have to come to the follow-ups. You have to listen to your body. And if you want to walk normally again, you are going to have to take it easy and be patient. Any worse, and you might have needed surgery. Do you want to deal with that? I didn’t think so.”

“Okay, okay, I get it.” Ethan sighed. “I have to take care of myself.”

“Yeah. You do.” Dr. Carson’s voice was tight in what was either annoyance or desperation. “And you better keep gaining weight. You’re still only a hundred and forty pounds.”

“Alright!” Ethan snapped, sitting up. “I got it. Geez. We’ll get a brace - can we finish this up, please?” he was going to go insane if he kept hearing all this crap about his health. He’d been trying - what else was he supposed to do?

“Yes.” Dr. Carson stood up. “A nurse will bring you the brace and some crutches - and I want you to take this.” he handed a card to Virgil. “And get a better brace than the ones we give out. See an actual physical therapist. Understand?”

Ethan sputtered in indignation, but Virgil nodded and pocketed the card. What, did they think he’d throw the card away if they gave it to him or something? He probably would have, now that he thought about it, but that wasn’t the point.

“Ugh.” Ethan let his head hang back and stared at the ceiling. “This is stupid.”

“Yeah,” Virgil muttered unhappily. “It is, Ethan. It’s stupid, isn’t it?” Ethan looked at him, surprised at the bitterness in his voice.

“...Vee?”

“What, I’m agreeing with you!” Virgil snapped. “It is stupid - really stupid that you don’t care about yourself even half as much as you care about us. Or snakes. Or anything else on the freaking earth.” Ethan stared at him, mouth hanging open slightly. “It's like you wouldn’t even care if you got hurt worse than this, Ethan. Like you wouldn’t care if you died, even.” 

“Of course I…” Ethan swallowed thickly. “I’d care if I died, Virgil. I mean, if not for my sake, for you guys. I’d never want to-”

“Exactly!” Virgil pointed a finger at him, tears in his eyes. “We cannot be the only reason you take care of yourself!”

“What are you talking about?” Ethan stared at him as a nurse walked in, explaining the brace cheerfully as she wrapped it around Ethan’s knee. 

Virgil just shook his head, looking away. He refused to say anything until they were in his truck again, heading back from the hospital with a pair of crutches and another pamphlet for a physical therapy office.

“Virgil I swear to god, you better stop ignoring me.” 

“I just…” Virgil shook his head. “It's stupid of me to want you to love life just for the heck of it. I sure as hell don’t - but I want you to. And I fucking hate the fact that the only reason you’ve gotten any better at all is that you don’t want to hurt us.”

“That’s not-”

“It's sweet.” Virgil continued. “I know you love us, and it breaks my fucking heart, Ethan, That you don’t love yourself.”

“How- what are you even talking about?” Ethan asked incredulously. “It’s not like I can just flip a switch and love who I am! Because I don’t! But there’s more to all of this than not wanting to hurt you!” 

“Oh yeah? What?” Virgil asked, turning to look at him after parking in the driveway. Ethan blinked back tears, mind whirling with the conversation they were having.

“I… you make me want to be better,” he muttered. “I mean it - and I know that’s just as bad as not wanting to hurt you. But ever since I first met you guys, I’ve been just… trying to… trying to be good enough-”

“You are good enough!” Virgil said loudly.

“Well, I don’t feel like it!” Ethan glared at him. “Okay?! I just want to feel like I’m… I dunno, allowed to be happy. That’s stupid, right? Everything’s stupid right now?”

“It's not stupid,” Virgil said, staring at the dashboard in front of them. “It just pisses me off.” Ethan threw his hands in the air. What else was he supposed to say? He didn’t want to just lie to them. Again. After all the stupid lies he’d told. “Because I want to make you happy - but you’re not letting yourself be happy, and I totally get that. But since it's you, not me, it pisses me off.”

“I’m sorry,” Ethan said helplessly, head flopping back against the headrest. “I’m trying.”

“I know.” Virgil ran a hand down his face and sighed. “And I’m sorry too.” 

“Let’s just go inside,” Ethan muttered, shoving the door open and grabbing the crutches.

“W- let me help you!” Virgil said indignantly, scrambling out of the car and walking to meet him. “Just…” he sighed, steadying Ethan when he slid out onto his good leg and the crutches. “Tell me if you need anything.” he finally said, meeting Ethan’s eyes. Ethan stared back. It was obvious he meant more than just for Ethan’s leg. “I want to help you.”

“Okay.” Ethan didn’t know if he was telling the truth or not, but Virgil nodded anyway. 

“Okay, just… be careful,” he mumbled, following Ethan up the sidewalk to the house. Ethan didn’t answer but moved over to let Virgil open the door. “Guys, we’re back.”

God, Virgil sounded so tired. Ethan winced guiltily, following Virgil in and meeting the other two and Remy in the living room.

“How’d it go?” Logan asked, adjusting his glasses. 

“Just screwed it up because I’m a dumbass,” Ethan said lightly, making his way to the couch. Virgil scowled.

“The sprain got worse when Ethan was attacked,” he told them. “And he didn’t think to get it looked at, and he’s lucky he doesn’t need surgery.”

“Well, the good news is I don’t,” Ethan said.

“And we need to talk to a physical therapist.” Virgil shot him a look, which Ethan ignored. “To get a brace that will keep him from getting hurt worse later.”

“...right,” Roman said softly, seeming to pick up on the tension between them. Logan and Remy had obviously noticed it as well. 

Virgil pulled the card and pamphlet out of his pocket, put it on the table, and disappeared into the hallway. Ethan watched him go, but said nothing as he propped the crutches against the couch. Logan followed Virgil after a moment of tense silence, and it wasn’t until they heard the bedroom door open and close again that anyone spoke.

“Alright, spill the tea. What happened?” Remy demanded, lifting his sunglasses to his forehead.

“He’s pissed off,” Ethan said simply.

“Yeah, I think we picked up on that.” Roman sighed, sitting down next to him. “Why?”

“Because I’m a dumbass.” 

Ethan stared at the wall between them and the bedrooms, hearing Virgil and Logan’s muffled conversation. He couldn't hear any words, and Virgil wasn’t talking loudly like he had been in the truck. He was crying.

“Dammit.” Ethan leaned back and closed his eyes.

“Ethan-”

“Why can’t he just get the fact that I’m trying?” Ethan asked miserably. 

He was. He was trying so hard to just get his messed up life together. That didn’t change the facts, though. And the fact was that Ethan couldn't love himself. It was just… impossible. He hated it as much as Virgil did, but he was trying. He just wanted them all to understand that he was trying.

* * *

“It's a snake!” Toby said gleefully, brandishing the cane toward him. Ethan just looked at it, unsure if the gesture was heartwarming or offensive. “Oh come on, isn’t that awesome?”

“Thank you.” Ethan accepted it when Toby pressed it into his hand. “Now I can hit you with it when you’re being annoying.”

“Not while you’re on the clock,” Toby said, smirking. “You have to be nice to me because I’m your junior manager!”

“I know that.” Ethan rolled his eyes, standing slowly to see how the cane felt. Not bad. But he still felt ridiculous - like an old crippled man.

“Now all you need is a cape and you’re like a snake wizard!” Toby added, waving his hands dramatically.

“Just what I aspire to be,” Ethan said drily. “Thanks, Tobes, this is actually pretty helpful.”

“You’re welcome!” Toby beamed. “It's got tiny scales and everything!”

“I can see that.” Ethan ran his fingers over the handle. “Where the hell did you get this?”

“An old woman in a shack,” Toby said, straight-faced. Ethan just looked at him and he broke, laughing. “I got it at Cabellas.”

“Thought so.” Ethan laughed softly. “Well, junior manager, you better get going if you don’t want to be late. Unless you think Mitch is able to supervise a bunch of kids with too many questions by himself.”

“Alright, I know when I’m not wanted!” Toby left, laughing. “Try to keep up, wizard guy!”

“Don’t tell me what to do.” Ethan snapped halfheartedly, limping gingerly to the door. “And I’m not out there, today, because Sarah’s mean and cares about me.” Toby was long gone, but that didn’t stop Ethan from complaining into the silent hallway.

He shook his head and made his way to the lab - where he was supposed to be helping with spring health check-ups on the reptiles.

Thinking of that reminded Ethan that he had an appointment with a physical therapist that afternoon. He scowled, glancing up at the clock as he entered the lab, where a gaggle of college biology students were waiting.

“Alright.” Ethan grinned as he walked over, reaching down with his free hand to pick up Pathos. “Who here has ever been a snake dentist before?” none of them raised their hands - which he’d expected. “Wonderful. That means you won’t be bored out of your minds. Get over here.” he added, sitting down and setting his cane to the side as he let Pathos slither onto the table. “This is Pathos.”

“Do you have a Logos and Ethos, too?” one of the students asked.

“Not yet.” Ethan chuckled. “And that doesn’t matter.”

There was a lot of stuff that didn’t matter, Ethan mused as the day went on. It didn’t matter, for instance, that he thought he was a bad person. Because his boyfriends insisted they cared about him no matter what. It didn’t matter, they said if he’d not recognized his own brother when Toby started working there. It didn’t matter, Remy had told him firmly, what anyone thought but Ethan. Because what mattered was what Ethan thought of himself - and that was all he had to focus on right now.

“Nice cane,” Virgil said softly when Ethan got into his truck after work to go to the appointment.

“It's a snake,” Ethan said, finding himself more excited about it now than he had when Toby gave it to him. “They’ve engraved scales and everything.”

“Of course it's a snake.” Virgil laughed, brushing the hair out of his eyes. “Ready to go, then?”

“I guess.” Ethan sighed, glaring down at his knee. “I should really get a driver's license one of these days, huh?”

“I don’t mind driving you places.” Virgil reminded him. “None of us do - besides, I think you should focus on not breaking yourself before you focus on that.”

“Fair point.” Ethan nodded, falling silent as they left the parking lot. 

Goodness, he hated the awkwardness. He knew they had to talk about what happened - but he didn’t have a clue where to start. What was he supposed to do? Lie and say Virgil was completely right and he now magically loved himself? No, he was not going to do that. He wanted to be more honest with them, even if it pissed Virgil off. 

“So,” Virgil said softly, looking over at him as they sat at a red light. Ethan looked back. “I’m… I’m sorry.”

“Why?” Ethan couldn't help but ask. “I mean - you’re just worried about me, that’s not a bad thing.”

“Ethan, I yelled at you.” Virgil shook his head, looking away when the light turned green. “I got mad at you because you’re struggling. Do you know how freaking… I’m an asshole.”

“It’s-”

“It’s not okay.” Virgil insisted. “And I’m sorry. I know mental health is a shitload to deal with, and you’ve got a lot on your plate.”

“You’re allowed to be upset,” Ethan said. 

“Yeah, but I shouldn’t take it out on you.” Virgil hit the turn signal and sighed heavily once again. “I shouldn’t be mad at you for something you can’t control. Like, I make you feel bad for feeling bad? How much of a hypocrite can I be?”

“It was pretty… hypocritical.” Ethan mumbled, looking out the window. Virgil laughed sadly.

“Um, yeah, I’d say it was. So I’m sorry, and you better accept my fucking apology.”

“I accept your fucking apology then.” Ethan shot back, grinning. Virgil sighed. “What?”

“You’re obnoxious,” he announced, pulling into the parking lot. 

“I try my best,” Ethan said, dramatically humble. Virgil rolled his eyes, but couldn't hold back a smile.

“So, we’re good then?” he asked softly. Ethan nodded, relief flooding him.

“We’re good,” he promised. “As long as you just… don’t freak out again or we’ll have to have another cheesy apology session. I can only handle so much sap and this year’s been full of it.”

“True.” Virgil laughed. “Alright, snake guy. Let’s go get your leg repaired again.”

“Ugh. Fine.” Ethan groaned, pushing the door open. “Let’s get it over with.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol y'all are probably angry but at least I didn't leave the argument unresolved for a chapter! I fully considered doing that tbh. Consider yourselves lucky.
> 
> I cannot believe we're almost to the end of this omg. I have like 2 or 3 one-shots for this series, but after that it's over. Done. Wow. idk what I'll dow ith my life tbh.
> 
> Love you all,
> 
> -Coby


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I won't apologize for this.
> 
> WARNINGS: injuries, jokes abt sex (thanks Remy), PTSD, panic attack, not taking care of oneself, mentions of past child abuse, food mentions, mentions of past prostitution, violence, abuse, telling someone to kill themselves, homophobia, basically everything traumatic that's ever happened to Ethan rolled into a ball and thrown at him. ^-^
> 
> Enjoy this lol

“Shut up or I’ll hit you with my cane,” Ethan warned, narrowing his eyes over at Remy.

“Kinky!” Remy declared, flashing a grin over at him. Ethan scowled, smacking him on the calf. “Hey! Are you serious?”

“I warned you.” Ethan shrugged. “Now stop making sex jokes.”

“Fine.” Remy sighed dramatically. “But if you suddenly get super bored because I have nothing to talk about, that’s on you.”

“Oh, that’s all you want to talk about? Yeah right.” Ethan rolled his eyes. “You’d talk about anything if you got going.”

“That’s true.”

“Guys - what are you doing out here?” Logan poked his head out of the door, eyebrow raised. “Ethan, is your knee alright?”

“Yes.” Ethan smiled convincingly. 

They were at the mall - and there were no chairs inside the stores. So he’d sat down on one of the weirdly uncomfortable chairs in the middle of the hallway, and Remy took it upon himself to keep him company.

“It is now, at least.” Remy scoffed, taking a sip of his latte. “Honestly, gurl, you know what he meant.” Logan rolled his eyes.

“As long as you’re actually listening to your body, you’ll be fine.”

“That’s what-”

“Stop making sex jokes!” Ethan demanded, hitting Remy lightly with the cane once more. Remy laughed, scooting away slightly.

“Yes, you’re hilarious.” Logan rolled his eyes, turning back to join Roman and Virgil.

“Okay, but really,” Remy giggled at Ethans suspicious look. “It's not inappropriate I promise. I was talking to this barista - not the cute one, the other one, and they had an insane tattoo on their arm. It was a snake, and it looked like something you’d get - hold on.” he pulled out his phone, pushing his glasses up. “I got a picture.”

“Of course you did.” Ethan rolled his eyes but still looked with interest at the picture he held up. “Wh- what the hell kind of snake is that? That’s not a snake. That’s a kids drawing!” he sputtered, brows furrowed. “Snakes aren’t freaking- there is no snake with rainbow scales!”

“It's not supposed to be scientifically accurate.” Remy rolled his eyes, elbowing him. “It’s gay. Geez, talk about snake nazi.”

“I would not get an inaccurate snake tattoo.” Ethan hissed unhappily, glaring at the picture. “No matter how gay it is.”

“Wow, okay.” Remy held up his hands. “Your love for snake science is at like, a seventeen right now. I need you at nine.”

“Fuck you.”

“Not in public you won’t.”

Ethan scowled, narrowing his eyes at Remy, who looked back with that stupid smile on his face. Was he serious? God, that was so stupid.

“I hate you.”

“Nah, you love me!” Remy beamed. “It's required in your contract!”

“I didn’t sign any contract.” Ethan declared, brushing hair from his face. “I owe you nothing.”

“Keep telling yourself that.” Remy winked and took another sip of his latte, flipping his sunglasses back down. 

“Alright.” Ethan stood up gingerly, shaking his head. “I’m done with this. You’re being an idiot.”

“Excuse you, I’ve never been an idiot in my life!” Remy gasped dramatically, hand flying to his forehead. 

“You’ve been an idiot your entire life.” Ethan corrected, making his way toward the costume store the others were in. Remy followed cheerfully.

“All I’m saying, babes,” he said as they made their way over to where the others were standing outside the dressing rooms - waiting for Roman. “Is that if you got a tattoo it would be a snake.”

“Obviously.” Ethan rolled his eyes. “But only if it was accurate, and not stupid looking.”

“Bitch, as if anything could make you look stupid.” Remy sipped his latte and Ethan narrowed his eyes.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It’s a compliment, snake guy.” Virgil elbowed him lightly. “Just accept it.”

“But-”

“Accept it or else.”

“Okay! Geez.” Ethan shuffled away from both of them, meeting Logan’s amused gaze. “I blame you for this.”

“For what?” Logan asked. “The truth being spoken? I had nothing to do with that.”

“I still blame you.”

“TADA!” Roman burst dramatically from the dressing room wearing a prince charming costume. “I’ve come to steal all your hearts and your bread!”

“Why bread?” Virgil asked in amusement.

“I’m hungry.” Roman spun elaborately over to where Ethan and Logan were standing before striking a pose. “What do you think?”

“That is… a costume.” Logan said, adjusting his glasses. Virgil laughed, while Roman pouted.

“Oh come on! As if you wouldn’t love to be swept off your feet by someone as gorgeous as me!” he held out a hand and Ethan took it, amused.

“Be careful with my feet, though,” he warned. “I’m a bit broken.”

“Do not be afraid, my love!” Roman pulled him into a graceful dip, careful of his bad knee. “You will be safe as long as you are by my side!”

“Yay,” Ethan said flatly. Roman pouted at him and he laughed, stumbling upright again. “Sorry-sorry. You look great, Roman.”

“I know!” Roman beamed, bowing dramatically. 

“Try this one on next,” Virgil called, tossing a costume over. Roman caught it, revealing it to be a skin-tight neon bodysuit.

“This is large.” Roman declared, shaking his head. “You know I’d never fit.”

“What, would you try it on if they had one for tiny people?” Virgil asked incredulously.

“Never doubt my willingness to be obnoxious,” Roman warned, putting the costume on the rack once more. 

“What are we here for, again?” Ethan asked as Roman went to the rack, examining a pirate ensemble next.

“FUN,” Roman said, rolling his eyes. “Honestly - if you three didn’t have me and Remy, you’d just sit inside and read all day.”

“And it would be delightful.” Logan agreed.

“Ah, you know you love going places with me.” Roman bounced over, shoving a hat gently onto Ethan’s head. Ethan sputtered, reaching up in confusion. “Ah, you make a wonderful Disney villain! Do an evil laugh!”

“What…?” Ethan laughed softly, running a finger along the rounded edge. 

“Like this,” Virgil said, looking over before chuckling darkly, a sound so stereotypically villainous that it made shivers run up Ethan’s spine. Roman beamed, then turned to Ethan.

“Please?”

Ethan hesitated for a moment, then grinned and threw his head back, doing his best attempt at an evil cackle. He looked back down to see Roman’s shocked - and envious - expression.

“Holy shit,” Virgil said after a few moments of silence. “That was fucking hot.”

* * *

“I thought you didn’t work today.” Ethan looked up in surprise when Toby spoke right behind him. 

“Oh.” Ethan laughed, shaking his head. “No, I’m not on the clock. I just stopped by to give Sarah some papers, and I thought I’d visit Pathos.”

“Right. Okay…” Toby seemed anxious, and Ethan frowned.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong!” Toby forced a laugh, elbowing him. “You just surprised me, that’s all!”

“Sure.” Ethan narrowed his eyes, turning to face his brother fully. “Toby, you know I’m not an idiot - right?”

“Pfft, obviously not!” Toby gestured vaguely around at the terrariums. “Why… why do you think I think you’re an idiot? That’s ridiculous! You’re a genius - a snake genius, at least.”

“I can tell when people lie, Toby.” Ethan sighed, running a hand down his face. “What is going on with you? What happened?”

“Nothing happened.” Toby scoffed. “Why do you think something happened? It's not like - wait!” Toby grabbed Ethan’s arm when he turned to go to the stage room. “Uh… why don’t we hang out and talk? Y’know? Maybe-”

“What the hell is going on with you?” Ethan asked incredulously.

“Nothing!” Toby had never been good at lying. “I just wanted to ask you about-”

“Tobester?” the door opened and Ethan froze at the voice. “You alright in here?”

“D-Dad!” Toby’s voice shook, and Ethan stared at him. “Uh, yeah, I’ll be right out, I was just… um…”

“Who is that?” someone grabbed Ethan's shoulder and pulled him around, and he found himself staring his father in the eyes. The man's eyes widened in surprise, and he let go of Ethan’s shoulder to take a step back. “Ethan.”

Ethan said nothing - his voice wouldn’t work. 

The man standing before him was the reason he had scars covering the right side of his body. He was the reason Ethan had resorted to selling himself to strangers in order to have a place to live. He was the first person to tell Ethan how utterly worthless he was. 

“Dad, please.” Toby stepped between them, not meeting Ethan’s eyes. “Just… leave him alone. Mom’s waiting, let’s-”

“Hush.” Jared pushed Toby away, eyes sweeping over Ethan’s face and body. “So this is where you ran off to, is it? Didn’t even have the courtesy of leaving the state?”

“Wh-what?” Ethan’s brow furrowed and he struggled to speak. “I- what the hell was I supposed to do? It's not like I’ve ever been rolling in money!”

“And whose fault is that?” Jared asked. “If you’d have been a better person, then maybe-”

“HEY!” Toby pushed between them desperately. “Dad. Stop. Just forget about it. Let’s go.”

“No,” Jared said harshly. “Why is he even here, Toby? How long have you been talking to him? How did he even find you?”

“I work here.” Ethan snapped, anger swelling in his stomach. “And Toby is an adult, he can do whatever he wants! Toby, what the hell is happening?”

“I-”

“You work here?” Jared laughed cruelly. “Sure. What, are you a janitor?”

“He’s the research manager,” Toby whispered softly. “Of the reptiles, Dad. He’s a herpetologist. And he didn’t find me - I found him.”

“You what?!”

“I found him!” Toby snapped. “Because I care about him, unlike you!”

Ethan’s eyes widened in horror when Jared's hand flew out, slapping Toby across the face. Toby stumbled back, mouth clamping shut.

“That’s enough from you.” Jared hissed, then turned to look at Ethan. “So you think you’re some kind of hotshot? You’re a scientist with a fancy job? That won’t change what you are. You are pathetic - just look at yourself. Look at those stupid scars on your face - you used to have a chance at a normal life but now you never will. No one will ever love you.”

Ethan knew he should ignore it. He knew that was wrong. He knew that Jared had no control over him at all anymore - none whatsoever.

But the words plunged into his chest like a knife, and memories spun through his mind the way they hadn’t for years.

“If you knew what was good for you, you would have jumped off a bridge years ago when you decided to be gay.”

“Decided?” Ethan echoed numbly, tears welling up in his eyes.

“Shut up!” Jared snarled. “Toby, we’re leaving. We’re going to have a nice long talk.” Toby stayed silent - so unlike his usual self - and Ethan watched in horror as Jared gripped his arm tightly. “And you.” he snapped at Ethan. “You know exactly what I want you to do.” his eyes seemed to burn holes into Ethan’s chest, and Ethan stood frozen as he spat a final word. “Die.”

Then they were gone, Jared pulling Toby from the room by one arm, Toby’s eyes glossed over with tears as he finally looked back and met Ethan’s eyes. It seemed foggy - like a dream or something that Ethan only heard about but hadn’t actually seen. Jared’s words echoing in his brain, there was only one thing Ethan could to do. It was the only thing he’d ever done.

He’d done it the night he came out to his parents. Every time someone got too close. The night Patton assaulted him.

He ran.

Not literally, perse, but he fled. Ethan walked - and he didn’t know where he was walking to as he tried to make sense of what had happened. As the scars on his face and chest seemed to burn the way they had that night, all those years ago. He forgot about everything but that. He forgot he’d told his boyfriends he would be home in an hour. He forgot his bag in the breakroom. He forgot about his knee and ignored the dull ache as he walked further and further away from the museum.

Ethan wasn’t sure when the tears in his eyes started falling, but he grew aware of the wetness on his face and dully realized he must be crying.

The realization, as had all other thoughts as he walked, faded underneath the echo of Jared’s voice as he stated exactly how he felt about Ethan.

The voice only faded slightly when Ethan realized it was getting dark. His steps slowed, and he forced himself to observe his surroundings. God, where was he? Ethan took a few shuddering breaths, trying to silence the fear and doubt and echoes inside his mind. Shit, he had no idea where he was. The only place remotely familiar was a Starbucks across the street - and that was because most Starbucks looked the same. Ethan didn’t think he’d ever even been to this one before.

Despite that, he walked on trembling legs and one aching knee to the door, slipping inside and glancing around.

There weren’t a lot of people, which was good. Ethan slipped into a corner booth, burying his head in his arms as he tried to make sense of what had happened.

Jared had been there. His father, though Ethan hated to think of him as such, had been there. With Toby. Fuck - Toby. Icy fear raced through him as he realized what might have happened to his brother. Ethan traced the scars on his face in terror, stomach twisting.

He had to do something. But he couldn't do anything. He’d left his phone, his bag, even his cane in the breakroom. He’d just let Toby go because he’d been so wrapped up in his own stupid head. He had no way to contact anyone, and he was still mostly freaking the fuck out because the voice in his head was screaming at him to die, and the memories of that night were flashing every time he closed his eyes.

Dully, Ethan heard a voice above him. But it was distorted and soft underneath his own racing thoughts. It wasn’t until someone grabbed his shoulders, forcing him to sit up and look at them, that he felt himself falling into the present.

“What happened?” Remy demanded, shoving his sunglasses up onto his forehead. Ethan stared at him, mouth hanging open.

What was Remy doing here? Why was Ethan so relieved to see him - he was a mess right now. Sure, Remy had seen him as a mess before, but that didn’t mean Ethan had to like it.

“Holy shit-” Remy sat down, gently wiping the tears from Ethan’s face. “What the fuck happened to you? You’re freezing.”

“I’m always cold.” Ethan choked out, just talking making tears flood his eyes again and a soft sob forced its way from his chest. 

“Babes, it’s alright.” Remy moved his chair to sit next to Ethan instead of across the table. “Just breathe, alright? We’ve got all the time in the world right now.” 

They didn’t. Ethan had to do something - he had to find Toby and then… what? What was he even going to say? What was he going to do? He’d already wasted so much time wandering in a daze - it was a miracle he didn’t get hit by a car again.

“Hey now,” Remy shook his head. “Don’t think, just breathe. You’re getting all worked up, and that’s fine but it will be harder to address this if you’re worked up.”

“I-I’m sorry, fuck…” Ethan stared dully at the table. “I-I can’t… Remy, wh-what are you… how did you get here?”

“Just came for my regular evening coffee and happened to see a queen I recognized sitting over here.” Remy rubbed Ethan’s back gently, and Ethan found the contact incredibly grounding, his thoughts becoming less jumbled. “Did you walk here - Ethan, where’s your cane? Your phone? The boys?”

“Work,” Ethan replied dully, taking a few shuddering breaths. “I-I don’t know, I’m sorry, I forgot them…”

“Right. Can I call Virgil?” Remy asked.

“No.” Ethan’s head whipped around and Remy stared at him in surprise. “We - I need - I need to call Toby.”

“Toby?” Remy scowled. “Who… oh wait, is that the kid from the museum? Your brother, right? Why do you need to call Toby?”

“He- god, I let… I let him go, I let Jared take him and I didn’t…” Ethan’s resolve crumbled, and his thoughts once again started to spin out of control. “What if Jared hurts him? Toby doesn’t deserve that. He doesn’t deserve it like I did, he never did anything like what I have. I swear to god if Jared hurts him, I’ll-”

“Okay, okay.” Remy soothed, pulling out his phone with a trembling hand. “Just hold on, alright? Who’s Jared?”

“Who’s Jared-” Ethan whispered, one hand reaching up to brush the scars on his face. “He - oh god, what if he… Toby doesn’t… he didn’t mean for anything to happen, he didn’t. I know he didn’t, he better not get hurt.”

“Just tell me his number, okay?” Remy urged. “Then I’ll call him for you, you’ll see it’s okay.”

“It's not okay - oh, it is definitely not okay…” Ethan stammered, punching in the digits he’d only recently memorized.

“It’ll be fine. Just watch.” Remy smiled encouragingly as the phone rang. And rang. And every ring sent more fear into Ethan’s heart. Even Remy’s forced smile vanished when the phone stopped ringing, and Toby’s pre-recorded voice spoke cheerfully to them.

Voicemail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah like I said, I refuse to apologize. Y'all knew shit was gonna go down - did you guess correctly? Did I make the plot too complicated? Who knows! I don't care tbh I had fun writing this so yeah, it may go a bit weird and fast but I couldn't care less.
> 
> Love you all!
> 
> -Coby


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> haha I am a horrible person. Sorry abt the cliffhanger, it just... it was just so perfect I couldn't help myself. Would you believe me if I said everything's gonna be alright? ^-^
> 
> WARNINGS: panic attack, PTSD, abuse mentions, injury mentions, swearing, mentions of abusive parents, self-deprecation, not taking care of oneself, food mentions.
> 
> ^-^ oh and this is the second to last chapter...

Things were a bit blurry after that. Ethan didn’t know why he was panicking so much. Maybe because, despite not caring for Toby for eight years after being kicked out, he’d grown protective of him, and attached. Maybe because the scars still seemed to burn painfully, like the oil was still there. Maybe because Jared’s words were still swirling through his mind.

Whatever the reason - Ethan was panicking. Remy did his best to help, getting him a hot chocolate and finally relenting and holding him in a hug as he called Virgil. He kept it on speaker, and for a moment Ethan was terrified that it would also remain unanswered. That everyone he cared about had been hurt by him running.

“Remy? God - we’ve been trying to get ahold of you for hours!”

“Sorry Vee.” Remy forced a chuckle. “Was at work, and then I got distracted. Anyway, Ethan needs-”

“You have Ethan?” Virgil’s voice was filled with relief. “God, why didn’t you say so? Where are you? Ethan - are you listening?” Ethan found that, as it had been doing the past half hour or so, his voice refused to work. Remy looked at him worriedly before replying.

“Yeah, he’s here. Just a little upset is all, right babes?”

“Fu- yeah… yes.” Ethan choked out, barely a whisper.

“Where are you?” Virgil demanded. “We’ve been looking everywhere for you, Ethan! You just left all your stuff at the museum, and we checked your apartment, and the diner, and-”

“If you want to know where we are then shut up.” Remy interrupted, rolling his eyes. “We’re at the Starbucks across town - near my office.” a beat of silence.

“I swear to god, you better have taken the bus, Ethan,” Virgil warned. “Because your cane is right here and I know you’re not stupid enough to walk that far.”

“Virgil!” Remy protested when Ethan grimaced, burying his face in his arms. “I just got your boy breathing again - he’s literally freaking out and I don’t even know who this Jared guy is!”

“What are you talking about?” Ethan could hear Virgil’s truck engine in the background now. 

“I have no idea, obviously.” Remy sighed softly. “I thought you might know who Jared is, do you?” 

“No, I don’t. But it's fine. We’re fine. I’ll be there soon - don’t hang up or I might lose my mind, though.” Virgil’s familiar voice - despite just being through the phone - helped soothe Ethan’s troubled thoughts. Marginally. He finally managed to say something.

“He-” Remy turned, eyes wide when Ethan sat up again. “J-Jared… he’s my father... he- he’s…”

“And he’s got your brother?” Remy scowled. Ethan nodded weakly, a hand reaching up to cup the scars on his face. “And that’s bad.”

“I’m almost there - give me a minute,” Virgil said hurriedly. He rambled on about something else, but Ethan couldn't focus on it. He just stared numbly down at his hot chocolate, fear coursing through him.

Virgil finally collapsed into a chair across from them, face betraying his shock and worry upon seeing Ethan.

“Ethan, babe,” he lifted Ethan’s head and Ethan stared at him miserably. “Toby’s at home.”

Ethan blinked.

What?

What was he talking about?

Ethan had seen Jared pull him away, heard his threats. 

“He’s with Logan and Ro,” Virgil promised, wiping tears from Ethan’s face. “He’s a little banged up, but he’s okay. He told us what happened. We’ve just been looking for you.”

Oh, god. Ethan crumbled as Virgil spoke. Everything was confusing, now. More than it had been the rest of the afternoon. He was confused and he was terrified and the only things he wasn’t worried about were the two people sitting beside him.

“It’s okay.” Virgil walked around the table now, gently lifting Ethan into his arms. He hesitated. “This alright?” Ethan nodded, burying his face in Virgil’s shoulder. “We’re gonna head back, and you’ll see that everything’s fine.”

Ethan was exhausted. He struggled to stay awake on the way home, curled up in the passenger seat of Virgil’s truck with his eyes trained on his boyfriend's face. 

Even the thoughts plaguing him seemed to be muffled now, in the familiar seat. The only way he managed to remain awake was by reminding himself that Toby had only been hurt because of him - it was his responsibility to make sure he really was okay. So he had to stay awake to see him.

Virgil helped him out of the car, handing him his cane and walking on his other side as they went up to the house.

“Take it easy,” he spoke softly, wrapping an arm around Ethan’s shoulders.

“Ethan!” Roman was immediately by his side, hands fidgeting around as he tried to help without being a nuisance. “Are you okay? Virgil didn’t tell us what happened he just left, we were worried, and-”

“Ro, where’s Toby?” Virgil asked tiredly.

“Oh, he’s in here.” Roman spun around, hurrying into the living room. Ethan followed, eyes falling onto his brother's face. Bruised, tear-stained, but intact.

“See, Ethan, we’re fin-” Virgil cut himself off with a yelp, catching Ethan as he stumbled - legs weak with relief. “Okay, alright, sit down before you die.”

“Where was he?” Logan asked.

“Starbucks near Remy’s office,” Virgil said, pulling Ethan gently down onto the couch. “Remy should be here in a second.” Ethan protested halfheartedly, not looking away from Toby. “Ethan, he’s fine. He’s right here, look.”

“I’m alright.” Toby agreed, moving over to sit beside him. Ethan still couldn't manage to speak, but he pulled Toby closer and cupped his face gently, tracing over the bruised but still smooth skin. 

God, he must look like he was insane right now. He could barely keep himself from falling asleep, let alone in one of his usual masks. The masks had been slipping recently, anyway, but Ethan had been able to keep some kind of disguise up at all time. Now, he was just too tired. He sighed softly, resting his head on Toby’s shoulder. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Wh- what the hell are you talking about?” Toby sputtered. “Ethan, you didn’t do anything!” He tried to push Ethan back to look at him, but Ethan just held him tighter. “You have no reason to be sorry.”

Yes, he did. Ethan’s thoughts swallowed him once again, the guilt of letting Toby leave overwhelming everything else. He was supposed to be the older brother. But he hadn’t been a good one since he was nineteen years old. Why had Toby even wanted to re-connect? 

“Just rest.” Logan soothed, voice breaking into Ethan’s mind. “We’ll talk in the morning, but for now you can rest.”

Ethan was too exhausted to protest, and he finally let himself drift off into a troubled sleep.

* * *

“-ell us again what happened?”

Ethan listened idly to the voices around him as he woke up, not moving. He didn’t want the warmth around him to leave, and he didn’t want to open his eyes. 

“If you want me too.” Toby sighed softly. “I-I didn’t mean for that to happen - he wasn’t supposed to work yesterday and th-they insisted on visiting me this week. Dad… he’s… he always… he doesn’t like Ethan. I tried to get him to stop, and leave, but he wouldn’t. And he said… he said a lot of things and Ethan just froze up.”

“Right.”

“When I got away from him - from dad, I mean. Cuz he was pissed about me talking to Ethan, and I just… I got away and I went back and Ethan was gone and he left all his stuff. So I called you guys.”

Ethan listened numbly, still not willing to tell them he was listening.

“Your parents were the ones who hurt him years ago, right?” Virgil asked softly. “The… the scars?”

“I think so.” someone was running their fingers through Ethan’s hair, and it felt amazing. “Like I said - it was eight years ago. All I knew was that one day he was there, and the next he was gone and they said we’d never see him again.”

“Damn.” Remy sighed from a few feet away. “Got some baggage, I guess.”

“We knew that.” Roman protested. “Everyone has baggage. We knew shit happened, but we know he doesn’t really talk about that stuff.”

“I guess I never realized how much it impacted him,” Toby said softly. “He was like a completely different person after dad talked to him.”

“That’s not uncommon, is it?” Logan asked slowly. “It's been some time since I got my degree, Remy, so correct me if I’m wrong, but seeing as Ethan avoids any mention of his parents and his past, it's likely he’s aware of his reaction to it and does his best to prevent that.”

“Yeah, basically.” 

Wow, that was creepily accurate.

“Ethan?” 

Ah crap, he’d reacted to that hadn’t he?

Ethan forced his eyes open, looking up at Virgil’s face from where he lay on the couch, head in the emo’s lap.

“Welcome back.” Virgil smiled sadly. Ethan groaned, sitting up with a wince. It was light outside - the middle of the day. He’d been sleeping for a while. “How do you feel?”

“Like shit.” Ethan sighed, rubbing his eyes. “Fuck, I’m sorry guys, I-”

“Why the hell are you apologizing?” Remy protested, throwing his hands in the air. “It's not like you wanted to have a panic attack!”

“That what that was?” Ethan hummed, running a hand through his hair. “I’m still sorry, though. I kinda vanished for a few hours and freaked you all out.”

“Well, it worked out in the end,” Roman said, forcing a wide grin. Ethan nodded absently.

“Right.” 

“...wanna talk about it?” Virgil asked after a few moments of awkward silence. Ethan sighed softly, shaking his head.

“Not particularly - but I know if I don’t things are just gonna be… weird.” 

“Weirder than usual, you mean?” Roman chuckled. Ethan couldn't help but smile at that, lifting his head again.

“Yeah.” Ethan glanced between their faces, finding a familiar comfort in them. “What am I even supposed to say, though? It's not… it's not like I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Ethan…”

“Virgil, I mean it!” Ethan shook his head in distress. “I’m the one who, I didn’t do anything. I just let Jared take you,” he locked eyes with Toby. “and I didn’t do anything. I’m a shit brother, we already knew that, but I was right  _ there _ . I could have done… something, at least. But I didn’t, and then I was freaking out because of it, and I really don’t even have the right to be that protective of you, and I could have made a lot better choices a lot of times to prevent all this.”

“You didn’t let him do anything,” Toby said irritably. “He just did. That’s not your fault - God, of course, you didn’t stand up to him! He looked at you, he looked at his own son, and he told you to die!” Ethan looked at the ground, shoulders falling. “That’d throw anyone off, especially after he’s done so much to you already.”

“This guy pisses me off.” Remy declared, getting to his feet. “Where the hell is he?”

“Sit down.” Logan grabbed him, pulling Remy back onto the other couch with him. Remy huffed unhappily but stayed. “We don’t need you getting kicked out of any other Starbucks.”

“Wh- Logan!” Remy sputtered, offended.

“He’s not gonna bug us anymore.” Toby rolled his eyes. “He’s not gonna bug you, anymore.”

“Maybe not in person,” Ethan mumbled under his breath, his father's voice returning to the back of his mind. “God, do you know how long it took to forget all the crap he told me the first time this happened? It's like I have to start all over again, just with fewer hospital visits.”

“I don’t think,” Logan spoke slowly, carefully. “That forgetting it will help you.”

“Oh, thanks.” Ethan’s heart sank. “What, so I should remember it? What the heck will that do for me?”

“Not…” Logan sighed, rubbing his forehead. “I mean forgetting it before working through it. You didn’t really forget it, Ethan. You repressed it.”

“Fahm, why aren’t you a therapist instead of a computer nerd?” Remy asked incredulously. Logan ignored him.

“I don’t know if you noticed,” Ethan squinted over at Logan. “But I repress a lot of things.”

“Yes, you do.”

A beat of silence followed the statement. Ethan shook his head.

“I keep trying to tell you guys this,” he finally spoke. “I’m just not like you. I can’t… I can’t be honest like you all are with each other. I want to be, but it’s impossible.”

“Impossible?” Remy scoffed. “Babes, you’ve been getting way better at that. Just because this thing happened, and you don’t want to talk about it, it doesn’t take away any of the progress you’ve already made. It’s just another obstacle. You don’t have to talk about it - but you already have. Right? Just now. That’s you being as honest as you can be, even if you have some bias.”

“You all need to stop being nice to me,” Ethan complained, flopping back down into the couch cushions behind him.

“Never.” Roman declared, dramatic as ever. “My deepest apologies Ethan, but I’m afraid that we will never be cruel to you for the eternity of our lives! That, my love, is the truly impossible thing.”

“Take it down a few notches there.” Virgil laughed. 

“I give up.” Ethan declared mournfully. “I’m just gonna sit on this couch forever.”

“I mean, that’s a fucking mood,” Remy said. “But I dunno if you’ll manage to do that.”

“Watch me.”

“You’re stalling.” Logan pointed out. “All of us are, truthfully. But you know you need to address this, Ethan.”

“Right now?” Ethan couldn't help but feel like a child as he asked the question, looking up at Logan with wide eyes. Logan sighed.

“I suppose not. But you have to promise you’ll talk to us.”

“Sure.” Ethan shrugged grudgingly. “Not like I really have a choice.”

“Ethan-” Toby cut himself off, shaking his head. Ethan looked over at him, that familiar guilt twisting in his chest. His eyes skated over the bruises on Toby’s face and arms, standing out as if to taunt Ethan’s failure in his face.

“You two should talk first.” Virgil realized aloud. “A lot… a lot has happened that you two need to work out.”

“I suppose.” Ethan agreed softly, getting to his feet. He winced, but the twinge of pain in his knee faded soon enough. “Tobes, let’s-”

“We can leave, you don’t have to-”

“There’s two of us, and four of you.” Ethan shook his head, pulling Toby to his feet. “We’re just gonna sit outside for a minute.”

“Take it easy on your knee,” Virgil warned. Ethan nodded, trying his best to seem like he was concerned about the injury. 

They found themselves out on the deck, looking over at Romans garden. Green rows of plants had sprouted, carefully organized and weeded. Toby didn’t say anything, and Ethan finally looked over at him.

“I’m sorry.” what else could he say? Toby looked at him like he was insane.

“You? I’m the one who should be sorry!” he protested. “I should have warned you about him. I mean, I didn’t really understand what happened or why you left and never spoke to us again, but I had some theories! I could tell it was a touchy subject, and I knew you didn’t have those scars before you left. I let dad come to the museum, and he hurt you.”

“He hurt you too.” Ethan pointed out. “And I recall you saying earlier that our parents insisted on visiting. You can’t really stop them from doing something like visiting a museum.”

“You were listening for a while.” Toby seemed impressed, though obviously not happy. Were any of them happy right now?

“I left you.” Ethan continued softly. “When you were a kid, and I left you yesterday. I should have done something, but I was so focused on myself that I didn’t. I didn’t until I realized what could happen to you if… what he could do to you.”

“You didn’t have a choice when I was eleven!” Toby snapped. “Hell, I don’t even know what you would have done. You vanished off the face of the earth, probably due to whatever gave you those scars, and you had to take care of yourself first. Yeah, I was confused and a little hurt, but I was a kid. When I got older, I started to understand. I’d have left the house earlier if I was able to.”

“I could have-”

“No.” Toby shook his head. “You couldn't, Ethan. There was no way you ever could have done something. I’m sorry, but that’s just the truth. I don’t know what’s gone on in your life, but I know enough to know that you weren’t in a great place until recently. Heck, I worked with you for six months before realizing you were my brother.”

“You noticed before I did.” Ethan pointed out.

“That has nothing to do with it.” Toby sighed in irritation. “You’ve been through hell, and I don’t know how to tell you that it's not your fault. It just happened. It's just life.”

“Why are you so smart?” Ethan complained. 

“Born that way.”

“Pfft- I beg to differ!” Ethan rolled his eyes. “You were the most dumbass kid I ever met, Tobes. You know that.”

“Oh, shut up.” Toby scowled, looking back at the yard before them.

“Never.” Ethan grinned, and the two fell into a comfortable silence. Ethan couldn't say that he didn't feel guilty about what happened, or even that he felt better about anything at all. But he felt, maybe, hopeful. That sounded stupid and cheesy, but it was true. 

“What the hell are we supposed to do now?” Toby laughed after a few minutes.

“As if I have any idea,” Ethan said dismissively. 

“In that case, I vote we go get snacks.” Toby stood up, holding out a hand for Ethan to grab. Ethan took it, stumbling to his feet. “We can figure the rest out later.”

“Right.” Ethan smiled, unable to shake the low wistfulness that filled him. “later.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awwww see? everything's okay! *coughs* I mean, d'you really think I was gonna kill someone in the second to last chapter? pfffft as if I'd ever do that. *hides all my TMNT fics from a few years ago under the couch*
> 
> Anyway, as I said, this is the second to last chapter!!! I have a few more one-shots lined up, but I'm not sure which to post first. One is the story of how Logan and Virgil met, and the other is some scenes from THIS book from Remy's POV. Let me know which you want to read most!
> 
> Love you all,
> 
> -Coby


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> LAST CHAPTER HOLY SHIT!!!!!!! This is actually... one of my favorite chapters in the entire series so far. I'm just really proud of it and the fluff!!! I hope I wrapped everything up well enough for ya. And there are still gonna be the one-shots!!!!
> 
> WARNINGS: Unsympathetic Patton, injuries, doctor's office, police officers, mentions of prison, conflicted feelings about abuser, mentions of depression, mentions of eating disorder, possible food mentions, talk abt snake digestive system, sickening fluff.
> 
> Yeeee I can't believe this is the last one!!!

“Good news and bad news.” Dr. Carson said, sitting down across from them. Ethan sighed, burying his face in his hands. Roman leaned against him comfortingly. “The good news is that your new insurance will cover this.” well, that actually was really good news. Ethan had too much medical debt already. “The bad news is that your knee will never function properly again without assistance.”

“Great.” Ethan muttered into his hands, then moved one up to pull at his hair. “Awesome. Fantastic. What kind of assistance?”

“Just what you’ve already been giving it,” Dr. Carson said. “A brace - maybe an updated one, but you’ll need to get in touch with your physical therapist about that. And a cane, at least when you’ll be on your feet for a long time. We can get you a prescription for painkillers, but you should really only take them when you absolutely need to.”

“Yeah, I don’t wanna add addiction to my list of problems.” Ethan sighed.

“Just take it as easy as you can, heating packs should help with swelling.” Dr. Carson forced a smile. “And we’ll see you in two weeks for a follow-up, right? Just to make sure your weight really has stabilized.”

“Sure.” Ethan sighed, reaching to pull the brace back on. He stood up gingerly, accepting his cane from Virgil. “You’re all too nice to me.”

“Deal with it.” Virgil chuckled, walking next to them as Roman led the way from the office, walking backward to face them. “You’re gonna fall, Ro.”

“I’m great at walking backward.” Roman scoffed, waving a hand. “Just-” he gasped, stumbling slightly over a step in the hall. “Oh.”

“I told you.” Virgil rolled his eyes. Despite this, Roman kept walking backward. Virgil shook his head, then glanced at Ethan and offered a hand. Ethan took it, smiling when Virgil’s thumb traced the scar on the back of it. 

They were all so odd, he mused. The scars truly didn’t bother them, and he had no idea why. They bothered him so much. Though, they’d never met him without the scars. That might be part of it. Also, they might just be amazing people.

“Can I drive?” Roman asked, finally turning to face forward when they got to the parking lot. 

“But then the seat’s gonna be pulled all the way forward,” Virgil complained. “I’ll get stuck if I forget.”

“I’ll put it back!” Roman promised, playfully swiping the keys from Virgil’s pocket. “I promise!” Virgil snorted but didn’t stop him from darting ahead once again to start the car.

“You’re gonna freak out the whole way home,” Ethan noted. Virgil shook his head, then brushed the hair from his face.

“Roman, please don’t kill us.”

“I’d never kill us!” Roman insisted.

That didn’t stop Virgil from gripping the armrest in a panic the entire way home.

“...what’s that?” Ethan squinted, leaning forward as they turned onto their street. A police car was parked outside of the house.

“That’s weird.” Roman pulled up behind it, dramatically sliding the seat back as far as it would go before he scrambled out.

“What the fuck?” Virgil tapped his fingers anxiously on his thigh, helping Ethan out of the car with his other hand. “What the fuck? Do you think… what if… where’s Logan?”

“Probably inside.” Roman said, already on the porch, opening the door. “Besides, maybe they just parked here for no reason.”

“Maybe not.” Virgil muttered, holding Ethan’s hand tighter than usual. Ethan didn’t say anything about it, following Roman into the house.

Sure enough, they found Logan inside at a table with two police officers. It didn’t seem like anything was very wrong.

“What’s going on?” Roman demanded, glancing between them and Logan worriedly. He went to Logan’s side, opening his arms, and Logan nodded. 

“Ah, you’re Roman Tower?” one of the officers asked. Ethan glanced at Virgil, who was chewing anxiously on his lip.

“The one and only!” Roman agreed, smiling widely. Ethan took the moment to admire his acting skills - because he knew Roman was scared out of his mind right then.

“We just came by to talk to the four of you,” the other officer messed with a small stack of papers before him. “About Mr. Steele.” Ethan’s brows furrowed, but a glance around at the others showed they knew just who that was. Wait, he recognized those looks. Of course. Patton.

Logan sighed, reaching up to adjust his glasses.

“What about him?” Virgil asked harshly. 

“He’s in prison.” the officer said. “He will be for about eight years, at least. And due to his history, we thought you all should be made aware.”

“...what?” 

Ethan wasn’t sure whose face to look at. Logan, who must have already known, just stared at the table. Roman was pale, but he didn’t seem terrified. Virgil’s mouth had actually dropped open.

“Just to give you a feeling of ease,” the officer replied. As if Virgil had been questioning why they were told. “It can’t have been comforting to know-”

“He’s in prison?” Roman interrupted softly. “Why?”

“What do you mean, why?” Ethan asked incredulously. “He should have gone to prison after what he did to you, years ago! You know that, right?” 

“His actions caught up to him.” the officers stood. “That’s all we can really say, sorry about this. Not a very pleasant topic, I know. You all just needed to be informed, due to the restraining orders and stalking incidents.”

“Thank you for telling us.” Logan finally spoke, voice incredibly soft. Before Ethan knew it, the officers had gone and the four of them were all just standing there.

“Am I dreaming?” Roman was the first to break the silence, running his hands through tangled red hair. “What… are… holy shit…” he pressed a hand over his mouth, leaning into Logan’s offered embrace. 

Ethan wasn’t sure how to feel. He’d barely known the man - nothing like the other three - but he hated Patton more than anything else on the planet.

“We’re alright.” Logan hummed, closing his eyes. “It’s alright, Roman. You’re allowed to feel whatever you feel about this. Even if you’re upset, and even if you’re happy.”

“J-just…” Roman’s shoulders trembled, and Virgil gripped Ethan’s hand that much tighter. “I don’t know… I don’t know, Logan. What… what if…”

“Sit down.” Virgil suddenly turned away from the other two, pulling Ethan toward the couch.

“Wh- what?” Ethan stumbled a bit, looking at him like he was crazy. Virgil just shook his head. “Virgil, I’m fine!”

“Shut up.” Virgil sat next to him, face in his hands. “Sorry, sorry. I love you. I’m just… he deserves it. I know he does. I know that.”

“Right.” Ethan leaned his forehead on Virgil’s shoulder, realization dawning on him. 

Of course. He knew how complicated their feelings were about Patton. They’d all dated him, for years. They’d all cared about him. It wasn’t the same as Ethan felt because Ethan had hated Patton ever since he learned the name. That must be awful.

“Logan’s right,” he mumbled, taking Virgil's hand again. “You all… you’re allowed to… uh… be conflicted.”

“I know, it just pisses me off.” Virgil grumbled.

Ethan had no idea what to say. What could he say? He bit his lip, watching as Logan and Roman found a place on the other couch, Roman still crying softly. Why did he always cry so softly? Ethan’s heart ached for them.

“Would you like a distraction?” he finally asked, at a loss for what else to do. “We could… watch something, or, um…”

“Talk about snakes.” Roman requested, hiccoughing slightly. “Please, Ethan.”

“Alright.” Ethan thought for a moment. “Well, all snakes are exclusively carnivorous, but they can’t chew. So they swallow their food whole.”

“Gross.” Virgil muttered though he didn’t seem very disturbed.

“And their skulls have a lot of smaller bones and joints.” Ethan continued, smiling slightly as Virgil played with his fingers. “So they can open their jaws wide enough to swallow huge pieces of prey. And to digest, most snakes have to go dormant, because it takes so much energy to digest, especially when the prey is bigger than they are. So they just have to hunker down and sit there until they’ve digested it.”

“Like Logan after he eats too much jam.” Roman teased softly.

“Exactly.” Ethan agreed, despite Logan’s offended face. “Not only that, but all the snake's organs are lined up one after the other, almost single-file. Because of their weird shape.”

“Why are you only talking about how they eat?” Virgil wondered, amused.

“I could talk about the difference between venom and constricting if you like.” Ethan shrugged. “Just thought you wouldn’t want to hear that right now.”

“I think you’re just hungry.” Roman accused, shaking his head.

“Hm, I might be,” Ethan chuckled. “Speaking of which, did you know that there are only a few cultures that eat snakes? I believe there’s a Cantonese cuisine, snake soup, but they only drink that when it’s cold. And in the midwest of America, people eat cooked rattlesnake meat.”

“Fuck that shit, I’m glad I live in Florida.” Virgil snorted.

“Then in Asia, some cultures drink snake blood because…um… they think it heightens their sex drive? I might have to fact check that, but-” he trailed off sheepishly when Virgil laughed. “Sorry, maybe I should think before rattling off facts. Um… they mix it with alcohol, though. To improve the taste.”

“Where the fuck do you learn all this?” Virgil chuckled.

“I was born blessed with snake knowledge.” Ethan said. “I’m half-snake, remember?”

“I seem to recall debunking that hypothesis.” Logan mused. Ethan flushed, rolling his eyes.

“Just because I don’t have fangs doesn’t mean… you know what, nevermind.”

“Thank you.” Roman sighed, drawing Ethan’s gaze to him. Ethan frowned. “For talking about snakes so much.”

“It’s my job.” Ethan pointed out. 

“Thanks anyway.” Virgil elbows him playfully. “Stop being so humble!”

“I’m super humble.” Ethan agreed. “Want me to keep going, or…?”

“I think I’m okay for now.” Roman rubbed his eyes. “I was just… surprised, y’know? I didn’t expect…”

“None of us did.” Logan hummed, stretching before he retrieved the remote. “But it happened. Now - what documentary do we want?” Ethan leaned back, letting Virgil rest against his shoulder. 

He was still never sure what to do when the topic of Patton came up. He’d barely interacted with the guy and - despite those interactions being not great - he wasn’t sure if it was his place to have an opinion. He had one, of course. Patton had hurt the three people he loved the most, and Ethan hated him for it.

He was just glad that he’d been able to help, somehow.

* * *

“Hey, Vee?” Ethan hesitated, hovering in the doorway. Virgil looked up from his journal, eyebrows raised, and pulled off his headphones. 

“What’s up?” He smiled, and Ethan forced himself to focus and not get distracted by how pretty he was. He joined Virgil on the bed, sitting cross-legged as he fidgeted with his cane.

“Y’know how you said you couldn't be the only reason I take care of myself?” Ethan asked softly, not looking up at Virgil’s face.

“Well… yeah, I said that Ethan.” Virgil cleared his throat unhappily. “But I was stressed out, and obviously you taking care of yourself is more important than the reasons you do it. I mean, who the hell am I to tell you what to care about? I really am sorry…”

“Oh, I know.” Ethan waved his hands, face warming slightly. “Uh, that’s not what I meant…” god, this was going to sound stupid, wasn’t it? “Y’know, nevermind. I dunno what I was gonna say, so-”

“Ethan,” Virgil leaned forward, holding a hand over his shoulder, but not grabbing it. God, Virgil was so good, wasn’t he? “You can talk to me.”

“I mean yeah.” Ethan ran a hand through his hair, twisting the strands around his fingers. “I guess… I know that, but I’m… it sounds stupid in my head, so might as well not say it. Y’know?”

“Nah, you’re not stupid.” Virgil shook his head. “You’re smart, remember? Go ahead and say it, whatever it is. You’re gonna stress me out.”

Ah, shit.

“Sorry.” Ethan buried his face in his hands. “I didn’t… I didn’t wanna make you anxious, I just-”

“I’m always anxious.” Virgil chuckled. “But you can talk to me. What’s on your mind?”

“A lot.” Ethan sighed, shoulders slumping.

“Alright.” Virgil set the journal aside, moving to mirror Ethan’s cross-legged position on the bed. “Well, start with what you said a second ago. Taking care of yourself?”

“Right.” Ethan hesitated. “I… it's not fair for me to… place all my worth on the fact you three care about me…” Virgil just raised an eyebrow, though Ethan could tell he wanted to speak. “It's not fair to me.” he clarified. “I guess I just never thought…” 

Where was he going with this? Ethan sighed, rubbing his eyes. 

“Everything is connected.”

“Switching gears a bit, but sure.” Virgil nodded slowly. Ethan took a deep breath, closing his eyes.

“Everything is connected. Everything depends on something else. Muscles depend on bones and ligaments, and brains depend on nerves and electrical signals, and stomachs depend on chewing and swallowing… that’s the way the world is. That’s the way everything is.”

“I can see that.” Virgil nodded again.

“So it doesn’t make sense.” Ethan tugged at his hair again. “For me to take care of myself for nothing. Before… before I met you guys… god, I took care of myself because the snakes needed a caretaker. And because there was a possibility I’d… die in an interesting way. It was never about me, right?”

He laughed sadly, looking up at Virgil, who just watched him and nodded to continue.

“But…” Ethan sighed, a smile crossing his face. “But then… if everything is connected, right? Everything has a reason. I started to… attempt to take care of myself because of you all.”

“Yeah.” Virgil sighed softly, reaching out to take one of Ethan’s hands. Ethan let him, tilting his head back and forth as he wondered how to phrase this.

“But if everything has a reason,” he finally mumbled, brows furrowed. “I guess that means there was a reason you guys stuck around. But… I didn’t see it like that, and I thought I was crazy, and I had no idea why… why any of you would even want to wait for me to become better.” 

“Ethan.”

“I’m getting to the point, I promise!” Ethan flushed, looking down at the blankets. “I’m just… maybe not everything is connected after all.” Virgil hummed, running his thumb over Ethan’s knuckles. “Which bugs the heck out of me, because things only have value if someone decides they have value… but maybe everything just has value. Right?”

“I’d say so.” Virgil smiled again. Ethan sighed. “So what’s the consensus, here?”

“Just…” Ethan’s throat tightened and tears pricked his eyes. He’d been so confused and he’d been thinking about this for so long - but he’d never ever said it aloud. “Maybe. I… am… maybe I have value.”

Yeah, he’d been right. It sounded stupid, and so incredibly pathetic. But he looked up at Virgil, not bothering to wipe his tears away, to see that his boyfriend was also tearing up.

“Can I hug you?” Virgil asked softly. Ethan nodded, trying his best to control the rush of emotions he felt. Virgil hugged him tightly, but Ethan could feel him shaking.

“I’m sorry.” Ethan mumbled, closing his eyes. “It's… it's such… it's such a depressing thing to say, y’know? But I just want…”

“Ethan,” Virgil’s arms tightened around him. “I’m… I’m so freaking proud of you. You have no idea… do you have any idea how happy I am to hear you say that?”

“I-I thought you might be.” Ethan laughed, wiping his tears away. “I wanted… I wanted to tell you… I wanted to say it.”

“Then say it.” Virgil sat back, beaming with tears in his eyes. “Say it, Ethan Lyde.”

“Wh- again?” Ethan sputtered. “Are you trying to make me completely fall apart?” Virgil grinned. 

“I’ll hold you together, now say it!”

“Fine,” Ethan felt another sob well up in his chest. “Maybe I’m… I’m worth something.”

“Fuck yes you are.” Virgil whispered, gripping Ethans shoulders tightly. “Can I kiss you?” 

“Yeah.” Ethan laughed through his tears, surging forward to wrap his arms around Virgil’s shoulders. 

“You’re worth so much.” Virgil said, pulling back after a moment. “I know you might not agree with that, but god, I want you to.”

“I’m worth _ something. _ ” Ethan rested his head on Virgil’s shoulder. “And that’s enough for me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHHHHHHHHHH FEELS I literally cried while writing this so yeah I just want my bois to be happy.
> 
> AND THAT'S A WRAP, FOLKS!!!!! Final Chapter is up and all we've got are a few one-shots! Still not sure which I'll post first, but I have two finished. Remy's POV and Logan and Virgil's origin stories. Vote in the comments! Again, BOTH will be posted, this is just for the first one you want to be posted. ^-^
> 
> Love you all,
> 
> -Coby <3

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah. A bit faster paced, but that's just what the plot required! I hope you enjoyed and please feel free to comment!  
Love you all,  
-Coby


End file.
